I don’t know the actual statistics but from what I have read, most multiples, if married, end up divorced. Considering that we have been married for 33 years, we not only have bypassed the average length of marriage for multiples who have married but also so called “normal” couples. Most of what I have realized has come later than sooner, but some of it pretty much started when I found out my wife’s diagnosis and began to understand what she was going through. Each of you will have to consider your own marriage or relationship before utilizing any of what follows. What may be good for one couple may not even be necessary for another. The number of keepers (alters, personalities) will vary, this comes from the perspective of our situation, my wife has well over a hundred and fifty keepers, while your partner may have as few as 2 or 3 or somewhere in between.

My first realization was to not take things personally. When in an abreaction I am not me anymore, I am someone else to whoever is having the abreaction. I cannot react as if they are seeing me, I cannot react with anything except for understanding even it means saying nothing and doing nothing. It is not me they are cringing from or yelling at or trying to get away from, it is someone else from their past. Remember, if you are tempted to react personally, tell yourself, they are not seeing me, they are not angry with me, it is someone else, one of the perpetrators from probably long, long ago.

Next, I think, is to see their individuality. We went through a weekend of questioning keepers for names, identities and made their own “family tree of keepers” It began with the core baby and went upward from there, with other older babies, toddlers, infants, youngsters, teens, young adults and adults with at least one senior in there. They each “became” for a purpose, many still exist and come out on a regular basis while others come out seldom and some hardly ever. All it takes is that one special trigger to bring someone to the surface or near the surface. Some may not want you to know who they are, fear and trust are still big issues for them, others may shyly offer their names, while others may surprise you with their zest and desire to be known and able to communicate with someone who understands or at least doesn’t chastise or ridicule or hurt them in some way or another.

Interact with them individually or as groups. My wife’s littles love to play games, some are games for the 1-4 year olds, like Candyland while others enjoy Sorry. Every Christmas both Santa and I make sure the little ones get several gifts, maybe a game or building blocks or dolls or matchbox cars. I had known of baby for quite a while, I had held her at night sometimes, but not until several years ago did it dawn on me, she never had a soft baby blanket, never. So I bought her one, she sleeps with it every night and she sleeps better than she ever did before. She is not the only one to enjoy the baby blanket, there are toddlers and little ones who so very much love how soft it is and the fact that they have one. You cannot take away the hurt they endured but you can give them some of what they never had, love, caring and small things we take for granted that they did not have, like a baby blanket.

When you are not sure what to have for dinner, ask if anyone has a suggestion, you might be surprised when someone pops out and says spaghetti or pizza or beanies and weenies. They have likes and dislikes, each of them, Emily Anne loves to have scrambled eggs, turnovers and bacon with chocolate milk, so we have breakfast for supper some nights. Remember to call out whoever made the request if you make their choice for dinner/supper so they can enjoy it. Being on the outside and eating the food you chose is not the same as being inside and having someone else eating it.

Clothes. Different keepers like and need different clothes. Several young ones may share a pair of shoes or a dress or a sweater. Teens need different clothes, while older adults prefer other styles. It is not always easy to outfit multiples, once they have clothes they consider theirs don’t be surprised to see littles shoes with teens dress and sweater. Then there may be a few of the opposite sex, my wife has several boys, one of which is out way more than the other boys, he likes his blue tennis shoes and baseball caps and overalls, none of which the girls appreciate at all. But, having clothes they can call their own is very important to all concerned.

TV and movies, we have gotten pretty much away from television, oh there are some we watch, like Friends and Smallville, the teens love both of the-and that guy who plays Clark Kent is so cute! Little ones have Monsters Inc as well many other Disney flicks, littler girls love the Shirley Temple movies, the boys like anything with Arnold Schwarzennegger in it and so do many of the adults, along with Mel Gibson or Sly Stallone. We have some old TV shows on DVD like Red Skelton and Lone Ranger, shows from their childhood they can now enjoy.

Be considerate and use common sense. If you have a good idea or know what circumstances brought about their keepers, don’t view movies or shows that deal with that, you may be triggering all sorts of abreactions. If your partner reacts with embarassment or surprise when you walk in the bathroom or bedroom and their modesty is compromised you probably walked in on a teen or younger, not your partner whom you consider to be your husband or wife. This brings up a situation that cries out for understanding, if sexual abuse was used in their past, you cannot just walk up from behind and cup a breast or caress their backside because the one you are touching may not be who you think it is. Be sure, before you touch or say anything of a sexual nature, of who is there. Yes, spontaneity is removed but so is the chance of triggering an abreaction or simply horrifying someone who never would expect such a touch from you because of it being inappropriate.

You may have to distance yourself and your partner from people who by their actions and attitudes make your partner feel much the same as their abusers made them feel, such as unimportant, insignificant, and what I mean here is people who treat them badly, whether intentional or not, if it is brought to their attention and they continue to do things that hurt your partner then they are now a part of the problem and the only way to keep them from having a negative influence on your partner is to stay away from them. We have had to distance ourselves from children, grandparents, brothers and sisters because they refuse to acknowledge the multiplicity or treat them as though their feelings are “silly” or “stupid” or they should “just get over it” or they “should be in control”. Intolerance and ignorance is not what your partner needs and neither do you.

Abreactions and body memories can be so distressful and can make you feel helpless, you know it is a horrific memory but you still wish you could help somehow-you can, sometimes at least.

During one of keepers abreactions their body was being burned with bleach, the young girl could not stop the pain so I called poison control and they told me to bathe her in baking soda water and then to use antibacterial ointments and creams, I did and it helped her. She was able to get relief for the body memory because to her the pain was now, not then, so treatment could help.

Our children have had pets that became family pets, and the girls had cats they took with them when they moved out of the house, and when our youngest daughter moved out we were without a cat. Although I’m pretty sure our 13 year old dog, Shakespeare, wasn’t terribly torn up about it, the little keepers were. We talked about it and I promised them they could get a kitten. Off to the humane society we went, looking for kittens. Well we found some brothers from the same litter and we ended up bringing home 2 kittens! I also found out my wife had never had her own pet, the dogs and cat her family had were either the boy’s dogs or the families cat so when we came home with 2 kittens and they belonged to little ones, they were ecstatic. The kittens have provided uncountable hours of joy for the keepers, little and big, and even poor old Shakespeare has livened up quite a bit with the two of them around. So pets that are theirs, something they never had before, but can have now, is another way you can help as the partner, by letting them have their own pets, to interact with, to love, especially their little ones.

One other thing, and I know that sometimes the partner knows things the MPD partner doesn’t, because sometimes their keepers don’t talk to each other, but all in all, rely on their intuition and decisions, especially regarding therapy, they know way more about their situation than you do. You may have read a lot, heard a lot, been through a lot, but it is nothing compared to what they have learned over the years, and experienced, and they have to make those hard decisions. You cannot make them for them. They had no power as children, to decide what was best for them, now they can and must, for their own wellbeing and recovery.

I’m sure that Many Voices and it’s readers would be grateful to hear from other partners about things they’ve done to help make their relationships work. Like any relationship, partnership with multiples is a two way street, if they had not let me into their lives, had not let me move past the point no one has been before, I could not do what I have done, I would not have had the opportunity to not only help in some small way but to be a part of all of their lives. For that I am thankful.

John W