It was  many years ago that keepers made the choice to not see integration as a goal for us.  Actually, we were under the care of our former therapist at the time.  We thought we were making our own decision on integration.  Now, we know that our therapist was willfully and purposely preventing keepers from healing and discouraged us from integrating because that is seen as the ultimate healing for a multiple.  Our choice may have been very different had we been with a therapist who followed traditional thinking on treating MPD/DID and had keepers best interest at heart.  But that is something keepers will never know since our therapeutic journey ended several years ago and traditional healing has been laid to rest for our system of alters.  Still, integration is a subject that keepers think about from time to time–not because we would seek it as this point but because it is something that has become beyond our reach and therefore an issue that fascinates us.

This body is nearly 60 years old.  For as long as any of us can remember this has been a one body/many people situation.  In fact, the thought of living a singular experience literally boggles this mind.  It is something we have never experienced and and something that keepers have a difficult time grasping as a way of life.  In fact, keepers have always experienced life in bits and pieces that we always seemed to scatter here and there without any congruency between our individual experiences.  And time is something keepers can only see as broken and shattered beyond repair for us.  But, still living in multiplicity is the life we have always known and the life we have learned to maneuver with relative comfort.

For us, there have been many points where keepers have thought about integration.  We have had the usual fears of becoming integrated feeling like death to our alters.  We have worried about losing abilities when this keeper or that one no longer exists as a separate entity.  But, I think our greatest fear was that keepers would integrate and begin living a more singular life when some sort of trauma or tragedy might hit which would cause the resurfacing of our alters in order to cope.  To us, the thought of that makes us feel like we would have to experience the greatest discouragement we can imagine.  Integrating only to fall back on dissociation when the going gets really tough.  That is something keepers do not know if we could handle so we have decided it is better for us to not even face the possibility.  Of course, keepers have no real idea how many of these concerns our former therapist planted in our minds to prevent keepers from seeking true healing of our multiplicity.  We know that he sabotaged us very badly so the possibility of our attitudes towards integration may well be another form of mind control by him over keepers.

Still, keepers know that we will live out our lives in multiplicity.  We feel like we have learned to do that relatively well.  We have learned to take the scattered pieces of our experiences and bring them into unison by writing a multitude of notes to each other as we pass through each day.  We have found journaling as our means of bringing a sense of having common ground to each and every keeper.  Through using timers that sound and using daily calenders–we can and do handle understanding time with much greater ease than ever before.  And keepers have learned to trust each other which has brought our internal walls down which has enabled us to develop loving relationships with each other.  We have discovered that our system works best if we just sit back and allow each alter to do his/her job without interference from the others.  And we have found that taking care of the needs of every keeper sets us up to cooperate with each other much better than we ever have before.  Keepers are well aware that it takes an awful lot of work to make many people/one body a good way of life but we have found the ways that work for us.

Keepers have been very fortunate with our multiplicity because we have a few very dear people who have good relationships with individual alters.  I really think our JM has known Terrence and Emily Ann and even me as individuals for so long that he would feel true grief if one of us were just no longer there in our individual form.  And keepers have friends who love to regale us with stories of Terrence’s latest antics or Beth’s way of reaching out or whatever.  Within the safety of these relationships, one body/many people does not seem so far away from the norm.  For us, it is a matter of relating to those people who can accept that different and bad have two very different meanings.

Our matter of public records on our former therapist stated that he treated our littles as if they were real children who would never grow up.  Thinking about that statement over the last few months has brought keepers to see that we will probably always see our littles that way.  Our former therapist had tremendous power over us for 17 years and influenced greatly how we perceive our system.  But, in many ways, keepers are just too tired to change all of the falsehoods he implanted in our minds.  For us, it is better to just accept that the damage has been done and move forward with our lives seeing our littles as children who never will have the chance to grow up.

Many therapist have told us that keepers are text book MPD/DID–varying very little from what is written about multiplicity.  For us, that is a very sad thing because multiplicity has such a good prognosis for complete healing which is something that was stolen from keepers.  We will always look at how traditional our multiplicity was and wonder if we would have chosen to strive for integration in a healthier therapeutic situation.

But the truth is that keepers will never know because much of our future was shaped during those 17 years of destructive therapy.  So, keepers will always give ourselves permission to wonder about integration while we get on with the business of living life from the standpoint of our being one body/many people.  Thankfully, it has turned out to be a pretty good life for all keepers.

peace and blessings,

keepers

For most of our lives, keepers have lived in this world seeing ourselves as nothing more than victims with no rights or power at all. In fact, we had a whole list of mantras that we repeated to ourselves when hopelessness was all we felt. Internally, keepers would tell each other that we were just getting what we deserved. We would comfort ourselves by talking to one another about how this is just the way it was meant to be. But, worst of all, we would convince our entire system that there was no point in saying anything because no one would ever listen to us anyway. And we just knew that keepers would turn out to be the ones at fault if one of us did say something. So, keepers spent over fifty years suffering from so many situations where we were being harmed totally because we had allowed people to convince us that we deserved no better than we were getting.

However, just a few years ago, things began to change for keepers. We were no where near strong enough to act on our own behalf in anything. But other people did start becoming advocates for keepers. First, of course, there was our John Michael who began doing for keepers things that we were not ready to do on our own. Second, the State of Missouri turned out to be tremendous advocate for keepers in many ways. And one or two therapists acted as advocates for us before the end of our therapeutic life. then, finally, keepers began to trust that even our local police and organizations like the ICCC would act on our behalf when we needed them to do that.

While the last few years of our lives have been unfolding, keepers have been learning a lot about acting as our own advocate and even acting as one for others. We have learned how crucial it is to keep notes on events that happen. We have gotten to know the appropriate steps for speaking out. We have learned to have as many people as possible to stand behind what we are saying. And we have learned how to approach the proper authorities in an effort to get action when it is needed.

For keepers, the most amazing thing that has happened in the last few years is that we have learned that people do listen and pay attention if they are handed the appropriate information. Keepers have even learned to trust the government in many ways–largely because they have done so very right by keepers over the last few years. Of course, a lot of their listening and acting on our behalf was because keepers could give them hard copy evidence of what we were saying and a list of names of those people who validate our story. Still, looking back at how untrusting and defeated keepers once were feels like we are seeing someone very different from who keepers are today.

Keepers owe a great deal to everyone who has acted as an advocate on our behalf over the last few years. These people have shown keepers that we do matter on this earth and that we have as many rights as anyone else. And keepers are very lucky because the situations where others stood up for us all turned out quite well. Not only have these people shown us that there is nothing wrong with living in multiplicity but they have also pointed out that keepers have been the victims in almost every circumstance and that our being revictimized throughout our lives is a natural characteristic since we learned all too well how to be victims in our own childhood.

KEEPESKORNER has expanded greatly in what we are able to do since the birth of our ministry some nineteen months ago. Fortunately, our list of resources to help others has grown right along with us. And keepers have become quite knowledgeable about when a sister survivor needs someone to act as an advocate on her behalf and what the proper ways are to do what needs to be done. Had it not been for those who acted on keepers behalf, our system would still be lost in understanding the rights of human beings and knowing how to attain appropriate treatment in a given situation. But those people did come into our lives and change our perspectives while teaching us the proper ways to get people to listen and act appropriately to help someone in an difficult or unfair situation.

2008 already looks like a year when KEEPERSKORNER will grow in learning how to be an advocate for others. The process is new to us and–at times–can feel overwhelming. But keepers are learning more and more about being advocates to help our sister survivors with housing difficulties or finding a safe house or even simply having legitimate needs met on a daily basis in their lives. Of course, this is a whole new aspect of KEEPERSKORNER and one we are just beginning to work with effectively but both JM and keepers are excited about how this is unfolding for us and all we are learning is possible to help with.

As others have acted as advocates for us, keepers began gaining in strength and we started to feel empowered and we began having much more faith in mankind than we ever had before. Since keepers know the benefits of having someone who would stand up for us under bad circumstances, we have come to know how much it means for someone to do that during difficult times.

Very often, when we are on our toll free number (1.888.752.9070) we ask the person on the other end WHAT CAN KEEPERSKORNER DO TO HELP? Mostly the person will say that she has no idea how we can help and we let it go at that until something comes to mind that keepers can do to make a given situation better. But, the truth of the matter is that our question is never asked lightly. We truly want to know how KEEPERSKORNER can help or–in some situations–how we can act as an advocate for our sister survivor.

Of course, there are situations where KEEPERSKORNER can not do much to help but listen and care. But these situations are far fewer than one would think. Each day we are learning more and more about how to best employ our resources and fall back on other ministries with their help. We are gaining knowledge about what action to take when and how to approach management or authorities when that is necessary.

KEEPERSKORNER is nothing less than a tremendous learning experience for JM and keepers. With each new lesson, we feel like we have grown to be more able to make a difference. Our journey here at KK is full of twists and turns but with each passing day we find ourselves more and more able to do things that make a difference in the quality of life for some of our sister survivors.

peace and blessings,

keepers

For keepers, making New Year’s Resolutions never works.  We used to try making one or two at the end of each year but living up to them always proved impossible for us.  We have found that our system contains too many alters for things like resolutions to ever be successful.  Somewhere along the way, keepers would find ourselves perpetuating our own sense of being failures by making resolutions that were not realistic for all of us to follow through on.  So New Year’s Resolutions are not and never will be a part of keepers lives.

Keepers have found that having structure in our lives is a very important part of our healing process.   We need the structure of doing our daily routine in healthy ways but forcing that routine to be something now feels very unnatural to keepers.  This may be true for us because we have spent so many years putting into place the things that work for us.  We do our yoga because we already know the benefits of such a workout.  We meditate because we know the sense of inner peace it has already given us.  We eat a more healthy diet because those are the foods we like now.  And when we want a McDonald’s Hamburger–we give ourselves permission to have one.

But keepers feel the need to say 2008 is about something for us and for KEEPERSKORNER.  The only thing that feels right to our system is accepting that this new year is all about our “going with the flow” both personally and in our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER.  What “going with the flow” means to us is that we work with whatever happens and believe it is somehow for the good.  We do our best in any given situation and then move on to whatever else there is to deal with.  In a way, this is a whole new approach to life for keepers.  To us, it is a huge step forward because it means that keepers know we do not have to maintain control over things for them to turn out okay.  It means that keepers are–finally–comfortable putting our lives in God’s Hands and trusting that His Wisdom to guide us through whatever is to come.

Being survivors of severe abuse left keepers with a strong need to have control–more over ourselves than control over others.  Control to keep our system safe both physically and emotionally.  For over half a century, keepers could not see how even letting God having control was a good idea for us.  We believed that God had let us down so badly when we were children and that God would never protect us in today.  We blamed God in so many ways for all that had happened to make keepers who we were.  In fact, keepers struggles with our Higher Power have been long and difficult and painful.  We were somehow convinced that keepers had to stay in control because nothing good would happen in our lives otherwise.

2007 was a year that truly changed the way keepers live our lives.  Last year–so many things happened where the outcome was truly beyond keepers control in every way.  We learned that fighting to maintain control only seemed to weaken us and make us more vulnerable than any of us needed to be.  We learned quite well how good it feels to simply LET GO AND LET GOD.  Keepers were amazed to discover that things turned out much better for us when we stopped trying to control and simply allowed things to unfold the way they are meant to be.  I can not say that everything turned out perfectly in 2007 but they did turn out better than keepers ever dreamed and we gained a much better view of life than keepers have ever had before.

This is the beginning new year–which brings with it a whole new beginning with no mistakes in it yet.  That means keepers have a brand new canvas on which to paint our lives in 2008. For us, it is best to paint the next twelve months with the belief that our consciousness has changed focus and that our new view of life will take us in the right direction with each and every turn.  We have learned that LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD will always be the right thing for us to do.  We can fail with resolutions and we can make unhealthy decisions by trying maintain control but if keepers turn it all over–there is nothing left for us to do but sit back and enjoy the ride we are on for 2008.

peace and blessings,

keepers

I’ve been tagged for a meme by Katm at Finding the Light in the Darkness.This is our first one so here goes.

Rules of the “Survivor Needs” Meme:

Please link back to the originating meme at Survivors Can Thrive, so people can see its origins, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes.

• List 25 needs and 5 wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your list can be anything…you want!

• Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this holiday season and in the New Year.

• Pass on this meme and tag five people to play this meme with you.

Needs:

1.) Keepers need to breathe fully and completely

2.) We need our John Michael

3.) We need to be giving love to others

4.) We need to have people who love keepers in our lives.

5.) Keepers need to stay mindful and present as much as possible

6.) We need to treat our own uniqueness and not deny who we are

7.) We need time to pray or meditate

8.) We need time for our artwork

9.) We need to just play and act silly some times

10.) We need our external children in our lives

11.) We need to have a job to do each day

12.) We need to learn something new each day

13.) We need to give a gift each day

14.) Keepers need to have a sense of humor about our multiplicity

15.) We need to be consistent with our yoga practice

16.) We need food to eat

17.) Keepers need to be a part of our grand babies lives.

18.) Keepers need to treat our system with caring and respect.

19.) We need to be involved in any decisions made about us.

20.) Keepers need to be okay with our feelings–no matter how strange they may seem to others.

21.) We need to be faithful to our calling–no matter whaat

22.) We need accentuate the positive more

23.) Keepers need to forgive ourselves more

23.) We need sunlight

24.) Keepers need to stay safe

25.) Keepers need our coffee

5 WANTS KEEPERS HAVE

1.) Keepers want to continue our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER for forever

2.) Keepers want to have another puppy dog

3.) Keepers want to finish the painting we are doing on KK and our home

4.) Keepers want to have some kind of social life

5.) Keepers want to win the lottery

Now we want to tag:

Katnall

Wolf

Silverylizard

risingrainbow