It was in 1972 when keepers first worked intensively with a psychiatrist.  We were living in California at the time–married to our JM and our son was just a baby then.  Keepers first went to this psychiatrist because we were trying to live the life of a military wife and it was not working for us at all.  To be honest, I have no idea if Dr. S. even saw our multiplicity but I do know he saw our vulnerability in this world. He helped our JM to be released from military service through a Humanitarian Discharge so that he and keepers could be together on a more regular basis.  I remember the last few appointments we had with this psychiatrist.  He was adamant that keepers not return to our home town and be around our family of origin.  Time and time again, Dr. S. told us that the people in our family would destroy us in every way.  Still, after leaving California, we found ourselves heading home to be with the people who had already done us so much harm.

Keepers came back home in spite of Dr. S. warnings simply because we knew no other way.  Our parents had created a huge dependency in us on them by constantly beating us down and telling us how inept we were.  The world we had always lived in consisted mostly of family members which meant keepers nothing else of life beyond our abusive childhood.  Somehow, we had accepted the sickness of our family as the norm of the entire world.  We thought all mothers bounced checks the way our mother did.  We thought all fathers drank their way through their work days.  We thought boys were a thousand times better than girls.  We accepted that keeping family secrets was the only way to show love for its members.  We honestly believed that everyone followed sitting in Church on Sunday morning with going home and kicking the dog.

Keepers mother was a teacher. She always taught at the schools we attended which meant she was ever present force in our lives–no matter where we went.  We were taught that our teachers were always right which fed into Mama always being right.  Her friends were all nuns which put her in high esteem to others because the sisters were well thought of.  So, keepers came into adulthood with a totally distorted and unreal view of a mother who was–in truth–selling out her own children for financial gain and staying so present in our lives merely to keep us quiet.

Now, it is over thirty years since that psychiatrist told keepers to never be around our family again.  I am so sorry that we failed to hear his words of wisdom when were in our twenties.  The cost of that has been phenomenally high for everyone concerned.  Yet, keepers can look back and see that we were doing the only thing we knew how to do which was to follow the family and be what we were expected to be.

It was not until the night of our mother’s death that things began to change for keepers.  I can not explain what happened when our mother passed but something changed almost immediately.  We began to realize that–by her very existence–our mother was keeping us bound to our own self destruction.  Only when she was removed from the equation completely were keepers set free to begin what would be our beginning our own personal healing path.

One of the problems keepers always faced in live was that we trusted the wrong people.  Keepers continually placed our trust in people who were much like our parents.  This was true even in therapy which we learned from the former therapist who did us so much harm.  Only after leaving his treatment did we see that trusting him was natural for us because his ways were as dishonest and purposefully hurtful as those of our family of origin.  We began to understand that keepers saw people who only used us as our friends because that was the way life had always been for us.  We realized that keepers trusted people who criticized and humiliated us because that was what we thought we deserved.

But even after our mother was gone–keepers did not sleep at night and were still struggling hard with addiction problems.  Our life was changing slowly through yoga and socializing more but we were still not at peace enough to sleep or be clear minded.  for us, those things only came as keepers realized that doing the right thing is extremely important–not only for others but to give keepers the peace of mind we deserved.

Speaking out or doing the right thing sounds like a good way to go.  But keepers have learned that it is a very unpopular and extremely hard way to go–especially since we live in a family that rares up in anger at people who do the right thing.  But, to tell the truth, keepers know it is better to accept our aloneness than to feel haunted over the safety of young ones in our family today or to worry about who our former therapist is going to victimize next.  At least now, keepers can look in the mirror without feeling unbearable shame and we can sleep through the night without guilt eating away at us.

They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Looking back on our lives, keepers know we made mistakes.  Our greatest one was disregarding our psychiatrist when he told us that this family would destroy keepers.  In essence, they did destroy us almost completely.  It was only after their power and control was gone from keepers that we could learn what it means to follow our own hearts and how good it feels to do what keepers know is the right thing to do.

peace and blessings,

keepers