***TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE AND IT SHALL FOLLOW, AS THE NIGHT THE DAY, THOU CANST BE FALSE TO ANY MAN*** William Shakespeare

For the fifty years of life for keepers, we spent every single moment twisting and turning ourselves to be what others said we should be. We have always been so desperate to feel loved and accepted that we were willing to give up our authentic selves to find that sense of emotional security that keepers have always yearned to have. In fact, keepers had come to believe that we were people who had no concept of goodness or truth because so much of who we were was based on the beliefs of others. Keepers had come to accept that we were idiots because that was the mirror image others reflected back to us.

For the entire half a century that keepers parents were on this earth, everyone in our system sought to be what we were taught we should be. So much so was this that keepers failed to see that we were perpetuating our desperation to please our parents even after they were gone. By that, I mean, that not even our home was truly ours. You see, keepers father was a successful interior designer who was obsessed with the color green. Each of the seven rooms in our home has always been green. Not because keepers like green at all but because that was what our father had mandated for our home. And for a great many years, the clothes keepers wore and the furniture in our home and the attitudes keepers presented to the world all came from our parents and not from keepers. Even the faith that keepers chose to raise our external children to follow was the choice of our parents. The schools our children attended were mandated as well by our family of origin. That is how important it was to keepers to feel accepted–if not loved–by the people who brought us into this world.

Then, keepers carried on our need to be what other people said we should be during our years as mothers. We tried very hard to shape and mold ourselves into what the nuns at our children’s school would see as proper and dignified. We rearranged our beliefs and our style of dressing and even the words we used so the we could fit into the click of mothers at their school as well. And when one of our external children said keepers should be this or that, we would stress ourselves completely out trying to transform our system into what our external children thought their mom should be. But worst of all, keepers tried time and time again to transform ourselves into the mother our former therapist (the one who has been convicted on five counts in our case) said we should be. We thought that since he had the degree on his wall he knew far better than keepers did. Unfortunately, it would be way too late when keepers learned the truth of that situation.

In essence, keepers spent the first fifty years of our lives bending over backwards or standing on our heads or just whittling our authentic selves away in order to be what others said we should be. Unfortunately, keepers parents had a different view of what we should be than did the Catholic Church. The Church’s view was very different than what our external children thought we should be and their view was very different from what our former therapist thought we should be so keepers spent half a century getting nowhere and feeling perfectly awful because we were trying to please everyone and be what each wanted us to be. Only now do keepers understand what an impossible situation this had become for us.

For all of those years, keepers lived our lives believing that it was better for us to be in relationships that made us miserable than to have no relationships at all. Keepers lived a life of indebtedness. (Please note that I said indebtedness and not gratitude. There is a huge difference between the two). We lived a life where we kept horrendous secrets because others would not love us if we told. In fact, for the whole of that half a century, keepers were constantly slumped over with our heads hung in shame because everyone criticized everything about us. To be honest, what keepers had was a life not worth living.

The paradox in keepers lives is that we grew up hearing this quote by William Shakespeare every single day of our lives. Our father spoke these words to everyone he could at every opportunity that presented itself. In fact, at our father’s funeral, people stood around commenting on how this man definitely did it his way. Unfortunately, his way was starting every day with a bloody mary and drinking until he passed out in his chair late at night. His way was molesting his daughters and sodomizing his sons. For many years, keepers hated this quote from William Shakespeare because of the man who drove it into our minds.

Several years ago, keepers began doing our yoga practice as a part of our daily lives. We started our yoga from the standpoint that it would be a physical workout for us but nothing more. However, the more we worked with yoga and the more we learned about doing yoga, the more we understood that the practice is truly a spiritual journey as well as a physical workout. For keepers, as our posture straightened and our breathing became normal, we found that everyone in our system was becoming more and more in touch with our authentic selves. As this happened for us, the above quote from William Shakespeare, took on a whole new meaning for us and keepers began to understand that keepers could only be true to others by first being true to ourselves.

Before I go any further, I need to point out that keepers waited until the empty nest syndrome had overtaken our lives before we set out in search of our authentic selves. In many ways keepers think this was a mistake because our external children never got the chance to know who their mother truly was in spite of her multiplicity. But in many ways keepers think waiting until our external children were grown and gone was the only thing we could do because as a family home, this house had to reflect the likes and dislikes of many. Only now that it is just JM and keepers do we feel free to be true to our own selves in a way we have never even dreamed of before.

For keepers, being true to ourselves could not happen until our environment reflected our authentic selves. This has happened for us over a period of several years. First came our need for this body to be an easy place for all alters to live. That happened as our posture straightened and our breathing became healthy. Not only did we free ourselves from unnecessary pain but we opened a door to keepers enjoying life in a way we never thought possible before. Then came keepers finding a hairstyle that suited all of us and learning to dress in ways that made each of us feel both presentable and comfortable. Our system has always had a tremendous desire to be feminine since this was denied us in our childhood so keepers do wear dresses and skirts much of the time. After that came changing Keeperskorner from being a family home to being a place that suits the tastes and lifestyle of JM and keepers. This has been a long slow process but the painting we are doing now is obliterating the green from our lives. (Our kitchen will still be green but a very different green than our father would have chosen) and casting out the furniture that was chosen by others. Slowly but surely, Keeperskorner is becoming authentically Keeperskorner and that makes keepers very happy.

Over the last several years, keepers have faced three separate situations where we had to make a choice between doing the popular thing by keeping quiet on certain situations or following our own beliefs and speaking out in an effort to protect others. One of these situations was reporting our former therapist which we are glad we did since he has been convicted on five different counts in our case which means he will never have the chance to harm another client the way he did keepers. The second situation came when keepers were made aware that our worse perpetrator in childhood was still sexually abusing children and had passed on this tradition to his adult son. Again, keepers are glad we spoke out through proper channels because our uncle has been removed from his home and placed in a home where he will never be around children again. And third involved reporting another family member which turned out to be a good thing because our words were heard and we have been told this family member is seeing a professional about his problem.

To be honest, keepers live a very lonely and difficult life in today. But the way our lives today are truly based on choices that keepers have made. Each one was a very painful choice for keepers to make. We did not make them with superficial thinking in any way. We always thought things through and we always spoke with a multitude of people who had valuable input into the decision we were making. Each time, keepers went into our speaking out knowing full well that reporting a therapist would damage our chances of another therapist being willing to work with us and we went into reporting family members knowing full well that our action would lead to our being rejected on all levels which has turned out to be true. Knowing full well what the cost of our speaking out would be does not make keepers reality easier to live with or any less painful but part of our healing through our Novena to St. Jude is keepers coming to remember that we freely chose to do the right thing which is why we are where we are in today.

However, many good changes have come from keepers speaking out. First, keepers were very blessed because the authorities continually listened to us. That helped keepers a whole lot because the belief that no one would ever believe us disintegrated into nothingness. Second, the state of Missouri validated the truth of our multiplicity in the matter of public record papers concerning our former therapist which gives keepers a validation that will stay with us forever. Third, keepers were found to be credible witnesses which means we can trust what we see as true. In fact, the entire experience of the last few years has shown keepers that we can trust our own gut instincts and that we are right to listen when spirit speaks from within us. We have learned to follow our own beliefs even when the cost is painfully high to us. All in all, keepers have come to understand that we can only be true to others when we are true to ourselves.

In doing KEEPERSKORNER, we have many people we turn to for advice and opinions. Among these are our John Michael and Pastor Don Brown and others that we consider dear friends who we see as simply far wiser than keepers. The one statement that we have constantly heard is that keepers are literally KEEPERSKORNER. For a long time we have rejected that statement because we see our ministry as being a conglomeration of people working together to improve the quality of life for multiples everywhere. But now we understand what our mentors are saying to us. Keepers are KEEPERSKORNER because we are the ones putting ourselves out there and placing our beliefs on the line. And keepers always listen carefully when our mentors speak to us but the final decisions are always keepers to make simply because we live in multiplicity so we are the ones with first hand experience on what KEEPERSKORNER needs to be.

Keepers have come to know that doing our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER means we must be true to ourselves and our beliefs in order to be true to the people who reach out to us. That means keepers have the responsibility for maintaining both our site and our blog as a safe place for other multiples to come and to reach out to. So, keepers are learning that when a situation feels dangerous in some way to keepers–it will also feel unsafe to those who visit us. Keepers always have to remember now that those who will bring harm to keepers will freely bring harm to others too. We learned this through our former therapist and through our own perpetrator. It is never only keepers that someone will harm and being ever vigilant of that is important to maintain KEEPERSKORNER as authentically us.

Several months ago, KEEPERSKORNER was hit by a vicious and cruel attacker. The vengeance of our attacker went on for months and eventually got so threatening to keepers lives that we went to the police and after that to the INTERNET CRIME COMPLAINT CENTER. As we went through this experience, keepers were of the belief that we must have been doing something bad for this to happen to us. But everyone from Pastor to the police to others told keepers that we are doing a good thing with our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER and that there are people who do not like it when good things are being done. ( Also, there are people who do not like the fact that keepers, who were once very weak and vulnerable have become strong enough to be true to ourselves and to follow our unique path.) Time and time again, keepers were told that our attacker was doing so because KEEPERSKORNER was doing good work and whoever was attacking did not like that. This was a lesson keepers should have learned long ago because many people have always been out to sabotage keepers whenever we tried to heal and have a life of our own. Unfortunately, it has only been since our attacker that keepers have learned the truth of how much people are out to sabotage each other.

Today is Monday, November 12, 2007. KEEPERSKORNER website and blog are still here. There are changes in the works solely because we need a format where updates and changes can be regular events. But KEEPERSKORNER is and always will be based on keepers beliefs and will be run from the standpoint of keepers being our authentic selves. What this means is that our ministry will always be run from the standpoint that keepers want to give to this community of survivors far more than we take. It means that keepers give from our hearts at all times and ask only for common courtesy in return. It means that keepers always offer our story from our perspective and know full well that people will believe only what they want to believe. It means that keepers know, too, that when all is said and done–KEEPERSKORNER can be here and offer what we offer but the final choice on reaching out to us is up to each individual system of alters.

In keepers personal lives, we also have come to be true to ourselves. We are married to a man that keepers love and believe in to the fullest. Being survivors of abuse, we watched carefully as he fathered our children and keepers are very proud of his parenting over the span of many years. As far as other family relationships, keepers have come to know that being blood related does not obligate us in any way. Only when family members treat keepers with caring and respect will keepers respond with the same. Other than that, it is best for those family members to seek their own companions while keepers do the same.

“To thine own self be true and it shall follow as the night the day, thou canst be false to any man.” Keepers find it very ironical that our system grew up hating these words because of the hypocritical way they were taught to us only to come full circle and see that (when put in a proper light) William Shakespeare was sharing the wisdom of the ages when he wrote these profound words.

Gotta go. Lots of painting to do this evening.

peace and blessings,

keepers