***The above picture is of Becca ( a 6 year old alter in the system known as keepers).

Recently, I (as a big keeper) have had some experiences that have caused me to take a serious look at my attitudes toward our little alters. In fact, these experiences have been profound enough for me to climb up in the closet and dig out the small picture bin which contains photographs of our children keepers way way back when. ( In all honesty, I have never done this before totally because I could not bear to look at the many little people who share my body even in today. ) As I sat and sorted through the images, I found that there were so many things I wanted to say. And I realized that this is the time for me to say those things.

Early on in keepers therapy, our T suggested that I go to a school yard at recess time and watch the little girls playing happily on the playground. Actually, our external children were in grade school at the time and keepers were spending much time at the school as room mother or brownie leader or cub scout leader. So, what I did was take time when already at their school to sit out on the steps and watch the children playing during their after lunch recess. But, to be truthful, doing that did little to make me feel better about our child alters. After all, the little girls running around on the playground all seemed to happy and free in some way that I could not relate to so distance from that period of keepers life seemed all I could feel as I heard the girls giggle and run about. The bottom line was that I felt like I was watching normal little girls doing normal childhood things which was so foreign to me that I could not identify in any way.

I have always had very clear cut concepts about our little alters. Concepts that I have always been very unwilling to allow to change–as if holding on to my old judgments of our littles was my way of punishing them for ever having come into existence. Even internally, I have never been able to look at little keepers because the very sight 0f them so easily reminded me of all that happened way back in our childhood. The more that therapy was unearthing about our past–the more I needed to turn away from my own internal littles. And I have always been very deeply ashamed of the fact that each little keepers exists in any way. After all, I have been a grown up for a very long time (I have raised three external children of my own and now have grandchildren) and I truly felt like I must be soooooo e*il totally because I could not make these little girls and boys (who should not even exist anymore) go away so that I could be the mother my external children could be proud of. In all honesty, I have spent my life running away from things like our recent day at 6 Flags because I greatly feared my little alters would come out and want to join in the fun. For me, reality will always be that there have been many miniature golf course experiences or school picnics or swimming pool afternoons when I could not contain my little alters and they would come out to play or have fun despite my need to come across as totally a grown up. This has always been a part of life that I have always hated because I always felt like I needed to hang my head in shame for not containing those little keepers.

One of my problems with little keepers has always been how I perceived them to be bad or different in the world of children. I had always bought into what I was told about them. Little keepers were the ugly ducklings and so very fat. Little keepers were stupid beyond belief. And worst of all, I always saw our little girl keepers as bi*ches and wh*res. As awful as that sounds, those were the words our own parents used in terms of the little keepers when they lived in our childhood home. Something in me just accepted our parents view of little keepers as true and I never questioned that any further.

In therapy, I had always seen our little keepers as the ones who were beyond hope or help. This was especially true after our 17 years with our former therapist who was convicted in our case. The more he made keepers separate from each other, the less I could relate to littles and the easier it was for me to blame them for the way our lives have turned out. As the papers say, our former therapist focused totally on abreactive work which meant I was continually looking at little keepers who were suffering so badly and all I could feel was reminded of what each one had been through so I kept on allowing our T to separate us from one another just to protect myself from ever having to get to know these awful little keepers.

Several years have passed since keepers have left therapy and so much has changed in those years. Without a therapist, keepers have learned to work together and to see ourselves as a true internal family. I think that I began to accept the little alters more and more on some superficial level. Our JM even got me to the point where I could back off some times and let my little alters just come out and have fun. But I still felt a great distance between them and me. I still could not bear to look at Becca or any other little because it simply hurt way too much.

This afternoon, I was digging through the bin of pictures and I was amazed at how different my feelings have become about little keepers. I came upon the above picture of Becca and I picked it up. I have no idea how long it was that I sat there looking at the face of this little girl whom I have always denied the right to exist. It was not the picture of a 6 year old monster that I was holding. It was simply a photograph of a 6 year old girl who was trying to smile pretty. She really was just like the little girls who played on the playground during recess when my external children were in school. The only difference was that people had stolen her ability to be just another little girl playing happily at any time in her life. I think that I shall always remember today because–for the first time ever–I saw the little girl in Becca and I accepted that she is truly a part of who I and all keepers have become.

Coming to appreciate our little keepers has been a very difficult part of our healing journey. So many outside people have used them just to get what they wanted. And so many outside people have criticized and abandoned and even rejected them for this reason or that one. But I am beginning to see and know that what people on the outside say about our littles really does not matter because the look in Becca’s eyes tells me that she was nothing more than a little girl who was being harmed very very badly. Maybe having come to see that in her face will enable me to appreciate little keepers on a whole new level.

I do not know if this will really become reality for me but I certainly do hope it does because the little girl in the above picture deserved to be loved as much as any other little girl.

Thank you for reading.

Sara Christine (a keeper)