As keepers work together to begin writing this blog, we are all scared out of our wits. First, because our JM has no idea that these words are about to be published which may hurt him since he has worked so hard for our ministry at KEEPERSKORNER. Second, we are scared that people will think we are somehow full of ourselves for speaking about what goes on with our ministry. But, the truth is, that keepers are feeling deep humility as we come forth with what we have to say here. We are doing this here on our blog because we are hoping to get some constructive feedback from the people we respect the most–our sister survivors from all over the world.

You see, today is a time when keepers are reevaluating our ministry at KEEPERSKORNER. We are trying to decide if it is a worthwhile endeavor to continue with KK as we have been or whether it would be better to remove KEEPERSKORNER from the net and just begin donating the funds we have available to research on MPD/DID on a monthly basis. Internally, keepers have been debating this for a good month now without coming to any conclusion that makes us feel like we are doing the right thing.

It was just over a month ago when keepers were having a conversation with someone who said “I still believe that KEEPERSKORNER could have done some good for multiples”. Hearing these words made keepers sit up and take notice because we saw them as implying that KEEPERSKORNER had already had its chance to make a difference and that keepers somehow blew it. These words really hurt our system because they came from someone who we had once considered a very dear friend. We began evaluating what KEEPERSKORNER had done and given within this relationship. Months ago, this person had requested a digital camera from KK to help with her artwork. KEEPERSKORNER supplied the camera as a gift from us to her. This person’s statement left keepers feeling like our efforts in doing this had made no difference at all in this person’s life. If that was of no value to her, perhaps, keepers support and encouragement with her artwork was also of no good to her. And if that is true, perhaps, the waterfall and the prints and other things we had sent upon her request made absolutely no difference in this woman’;s life at all. Then, keepers began thinking that if this is true in her situation perhaps it is true in all situations.

To be very honest, keepers take pride in our ministry at KEEPERSKORNER. We see our ministry as special and unique because it is dedicated to those who live in multiplicity and to other abuse survivors. For the last eighteen months, keepers have found great satisfaction in doing the busy work that keeps our ministry afloat and we have found great joy in giving from our hearts. Keepers have worked very hard to develop consistency and dependability within our system. What I mean by that is that keepers have resolved that if we make a promise to another multiple–we will go the distance to keep said promise. If keepers say we will call at a certain time–we make sure we do that. If keepers say a requested item will be shipped on a certain day, we make sure it is done. We do our very best because keepers believe that what we do is important and that other multiples deserve only the very best treatment.

Truthfully, our ministry at KEEPERSKORNER has been a tremendous learning experience for both JM and keepers. Since we are just a mom and pop ministry, JM and keepers have had to learn new budgeting skills so that our finances will cover KK as well as personal expenses. We have had to learn a lot about people who are just out to burn us and how to handle those situations. We have had to learn to evaluate needs and know where to go for help with those needs. We have learned that the limitations of KEEPERSKORNER can be expanded by our networking with other ministries who come through when we make a call. We have learned how to keep those who visit our website and blog safe from those who raise red flags inside of our system. We have also learned how to put our own issues aside and focus on what needs to be done for KEEPERSKORNER. So, for us, KEEPERSKORNER thus far has been very worthwhile because it has taught keepers a tremendous amount of new things.

The things that we do through our ministry are varied and adjusted to each individual situation. However, there are certain rules that keepers always follow. Our first rule is that we never ever interfere with the therapeutic relationship while we try very hard to be a good support system for our sister multiples. Our second rule is that when we are told in one way or another that a system is feeling suicidal, we do all that is humanly possible to contact the therapist in that situation so that he/she can take over in protecting the multiple. Our third rule is that when a therapist contacts keepers with questions on how we have healed our multiplicity, we share our experience with candid and truthful answers. And our fourth rule is that KEEPERSKORNER never ever asks for anything in return for what we do.

KEEPERSKORNER does things like make daily phone contact with multiples who live alone. We have smoothies on IMing with little alters. We read stories to little alters both on the phone and through our webcam when applicable. We give away things like our massagers and our waterfalls and our prints of artwork to those who live in multiplicity. We man our toll free number(1.888.752.9070) from 7:30 am until midnight each day of the week. And on holidays like Thanksgiving we man our toll free number from Wednesday evening until Monday morning nonstop. At Christmas, we man the toll free number from Dec. 23 until January 2 24/7.

I want to share with you the more serious things that KEEPERSKORNER has helped with. Not to brag about what we do or to come across as full of ourselves but so that you have an understanding of how great we see the need for our ministry as being. Perhaps, your feedback can let us know if we are wrong in our perceptions.

At one point, a multiple came to KEEPERSKORNER wanting to know if we could help her find a good yoga teacher in her area. At that time we had someone on staff just for the purpose of locating such things so KEEPERSKORNER said we would be happy to do a search. A quality yoga teacher was found and that multiple is now in a yoga class that she loves.

At another point, a therapist was about to retire and could not find another to take over with her multiple upon her retirement. She asked KEEPERSKORNER to do a search and find a list of therapists she could work with in establishing new therapy for DID patient. Keepers did the search ourselves and found only one therapist that seemed qualified. The first therapist has now retired and the multiple says she is very happy with her new therapy situation.

KEEPERSKORNER often gets phone calls from multiples who are in need of financial assistance in some way. Our dream is that someday KEEPERSKORNER will have the funds to take care of some these request on our own. However, right now, we forward those requests to Pastor Don Brown of Save Our World Ministries. He makes contact with the person in need and evaluates how much help his ministry can be. Sometimes, he can be a huge help. Other times, there is little he can do but he always does his best to be of assistance when these calls come in.

Right now, there is a multiple whose apartment flooded last week. There has been water standing in her closet for days now. Mold is growing up her wall and her carpeting has mildewed. She has a letter from her doctor saying how dangerous this is for her as she has asthma. However, the apartment complex has done nothing to straighten this situation out. KEEPERSKORNER has maintained contact with this lady several times a day for a while now as she lives alone. This afternoon, keepers went to Pastor Don Brown who is already at work trying to get this DID patient moved to a motel where she will have better conditions in which to live.

Another DID patient that KEEPERSKORNER has an ongoing relationship with suffers from MS. She too lives alone and spends a great deal of time by herself. Her system is fighting depression and despair as her MS has taken a severe turn for the worse. This hit her system at a time when they were doing very heavy duty therapy. Keepers try to spend at least a couple of hours each evening on the webcam with this lady just showing her that we really do care and that she is not alone.

Then, about a year ago, a multiple contacted KEEPERSKORNER in search of a safe house for her system. Again, we turned to Save Our World Ministries for help. KEEPERSKORNER worked with them to establish a safe house where this system could go. It turned out that the multiple decided not to accept the safe house after all but KEEPERSKORNER made sincere effort to supply what was needed.

There are a multitude of other stories that I could share but these give you a general idea of the kinds of work KEEPERSKORNER has been doing over the last eighteen months. Aside from the person at the beginning of this blog, we have not one complaint about the quality of work we have done or our attitudes in doing the work. In fact, KEEPERSKORNER has received so many thanks that we thought our ministry was a worthwhile thing until those words were said to us. Now, we are just not sure any more.

We at KEEPERSKORNER would appreciate your input as to whether or not you think our ministry here is worthwhile and if we are making a difference from your point of view. One way or another, KEEPERSKORNER will still be dedicated to helping to improve the quality of life for multiples everywhere but we if we are just spinning our wheels with what we do, we will go to donating to research instead of doing what we have done the last eighteen months.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Dreaming andBelieving

The above painting is entitled Cliff Side Castle by Wolf baby. It was a gift from Wolf t0 KEEPERSKORNER that arrived a couple of weeks ago. The medium Wolf used was acrylics. She sent this piece to KEEPERSKORNER as a personal gift from her to us. Sea Cliff Castle means so much to keepers because it is her sharing her own unique gifts with us. To see more of Wolf baby’s work, just click the above link and it will take you to her blog.

The eighteen months that we have been doing our ministry at KEEPERSKORNER have truly been the most amazing time of our lives. Not only have keepers grown through our doing for others and giving from our hearts but we have learned that a huge part of giving is receiving with grace and dignity. So many wonderful gifts have been sent to KEEPERSKORNER over the last year and a half. There was a time when these gifts would have meant so much to each keeper but all we would have managed to respond with was our head hung low and a thank you that could barely be heard. We were like that because keepers never thought we were good enough to be given gifts and we always felt ashamed when someone gave us something that keepers thought was wonderful. But through our work at KEEPESKORNER we have learned to say thank you so much from the standpoint of feeling deeply grateful for each and every gift we are given.

The decor here at KEEPERSKORNER has become a true honoring of survivors everywhere. WE have our WALL OF WONDERFUL which holds the photographs of our cyber friends who have become keepers and JMs cyber family. We have artwork done by several different survivors. Each piece hangs in a place of honor so it can be shared with anyone who visits here. We also have handmade butterflies and even a keepers family tree made of copper wire which were also gifts from our sister multiples. And our book shelves are full of story books sent to us from all over the world. We read these stories to little alters (by phone of course) throughout our days. Adding Cliff Side Castle to the walls of KEEPERSKORNER is a huge honor–not only because it was a gift from Wolf’s heart but also because it is such a beautiful piece of work.

Each morning, keepers take a moment to look around and remember how very blessed we are to have such precious cyber friends. Feeling so blessed always makes keepers feel very humbled because the people who reach out to KEEPERSKORNER for this or that somehow wind up becoming not only friends but family in some special way. It is so special for keepers to take time each morning and remember what a wonderful experience our doing KEEPERSKORNER has been and how it has truly made keepers much better people than we ever were before.

Thank you, Wolf baby, for Cliff Side Castle. For the last couple of weeks, this painting has been positioned on our desk in the office of KEEPERSKORNER. That is because we wanted time to treasure it before we wrote our blog and hung the painting on the wall. So, tomorrow night, our JM will hang this awesome painting in the place keepers have chosen for it to be. We will always look at it and think of you.

Someone once told keepers that we needed to hang a sign just outside our office saying NO NEGATIVITY BEYOND THIS POINT. Keepers have often planned to hang that sign but never got around to it. Now, as we walk through KEEPERSKORNER and the positive and loving mood here, we know that there is no need for a sign because negativity has nothing to do with KEEPERSKORNER at all. Instead our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER is full of life and love and hope. Nothing could be more positive or inspiring for keepers than that.

peace and blessings,

keepers

In adulthood, keepers feel like our spiritual lives have a very eclectic basis. Over the span of many years, keepers have taken a bit of almost every faith and put it all together into a belief system that works for us. Actually, after years of searching for what God means in our lives, we have found a sense of peace with the beliefs we have come to hold dear.

However, keepers were reared in the Catholic Church. We believe our Catholic upbringing was much more extreme than most childrens. This is because our mother always taught at the Catholic School we were attending. Her only friends were nuns of various orders. Our weekdays were spent in class with nuns. Many of our evenings were spent in the company of nuns and Saturday afternoons were spent at a convent where the cloistered sisters were all dear friends of our mother. As a grown woman, I look back on those years, and I can see that keepers feared these nuns much more than any of us respected them.

After being brought up so intensely Catholic, it is very difficult for keepers to turn away from all our childhood teachings. It is true, however, that keepers no longer follow any organized religion and our prayers are most often this keeper or that one simply talking to God about whatever is on his/her mind. In actuality, keepers relationship with God has worked well for us and it has brought tranquility to our system in many ways.

Part of growing up Catholic meant keepers developing a strong belief in patron saints. In our childhood, we were considered the poorest of the poor so keepers often prayed to St. Martin De Porres (the patron Saint of the Poor) to help our family from a financial stand point. At times, we even prayed to St. Anthony (the patron Saint of Miracles) when keepers were in desperate need of Divine Intervention. But, keepers always saved praying to St. Jude (the patron Saint of Hopeless Situations) for those times when all hope seemed to be lost and our hearts were filled with nothing more than despair. In all honesty, as keepers have moved forward on our healing journey, we have lost touch with our childhood prayers and our beliefs that patron Saints are there to help when all else fails.

It was a little over a year ago when keepers were curled up on the couch (very late at night) watching television. Marlo Thomas was doing an interview on a cable show. At one point, she was speaking about how St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital came to have that name. It seems that her father (Danny Thomas) was very down and out at one point in his life. His wife had just had a new born baby (Marlo) but Danny did not have the money to get his wife and new daughter released from the hospital. He did not know what he would do. One Sunday morning, Danny attended Church in his parish. The Homily that day was about St. Jude and his work with hopeless situations. As the collection plate was passed, Danny dug deep into his pockets and put every penny he had into the plate. I think he dedicated his giving that day to St. Jude. The very next morning, Danny received a call to do a radio that would pay the exact amount to bring his wife and baby girl home from the hospital. When keepers heard Marlo tell this story, we began remembering how many times St. Jude has given keepers hope when all we could find on our own was despair. And, now, over a year later, keepers can see how we have carried Marlo’s story in our hearts and saved its message for the moment when we would once again reach out to St. Jude to help keepers.

A few days ago, keepers began a Novena dedicated to St. Jude. (It is our first Novena in a great many years). This particular Novena consists of a series of formatted prayers. The entire series is to be said each day for 9 days and then keepers are to make public our devotion to St. Jude through this Novena. Truthfully, keepers are not far into the Novena yet but we are praying to St. Jude with the full trust of our little keepers that he will come to our aid and act on the behalf of our entire system. Each of our little alters (and our big ones, as well) have full confidence as we pray our Novena each and every day.

When keepers turned away from the Catholic Church, we honestly thought we were turning away from the beliefs as well as the people we had known. In fact, I think we vowed to never again return to those beliefs. But, these last few months, keepers have come to see that these beliefs truly have taken root in our minds and hearts because now we are turning back to the prayers that saw us through an extremely abusive childhood. These prayers have been added to our conversations with God where we share our thoughts and feelings. They are not a substitute for our spiritual way of living but an adjunct to what we have found to work for keepers.

They say that desperate times take desperate measures. The truth is that keepers feel quite desperate to have our motherhood healed in whatever way God deems best. Through our Novena to ST. Jude, keepers are asking for of keepers as mothers but the how and why of the healing are left in God’s Hands. At this point, keepers know full well that all of us in here lack the wisdom to know how to bring about healing in our motherhood. So, like we did as little girls, we turn to our beloved St. Jude and ask him to speak with God about granting us the healing we seek. Experience has shown keepers that we can trust St. Jude implicitly when we reach out to him through Novena. So, keepers as mothers can come to peace now because we have turned this all important part of our lives over to our Higher Power through St. Jude.

We have every confidence that healing of our motherhood is in the offing. Thank you St. Jude for acting on our behalf. Thank you, God, for hearing the prayers of both keepers and St. Jude.

peace and blessings,

keepers

The Pink Dress

There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park.

Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.

Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by.

She never tried to speak.

She never said a word.

Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.

The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see if the little girl would still be there.

Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.

Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl.

For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone.

As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl’s dress.

It was grotesquely shaped.

I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no effort to speak to her.

Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if you make a step toward assisting someone who is different.

As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my intent stare.

As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more clearly.

She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.

I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk.

I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, “Hello.”

The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a “Hi ” after a long stare into my eyes.

I smiled and she shyly smiled back.

We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty.

I asked the girl why she was so sad.

The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, “Because, I’m different.”

I immediately said, “That you are,” and smiled.

The little girl acted even sadder and said, “I know.”

“Little girl,” I said, “you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent.”

She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and said,
“Really?”
“Yes, you’re like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all the people walking by.”

She nodded her head yes, and smiled.

With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her Wings to spread, then she said “I am.”

“I’m your Guardian Angel,” with a twinkle in her eye.

I was speechless — sure I was seeing things.

She said, “For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here is done”.

I got to my feet and said, ” Wait, why did no one stop to help an Angel?”

She looked at me, smiled, and said, “You’re the only one that could see me,” and then she was gone.

And with that, my life was changed dramatically.

So, when you think you’re all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you.

Thank you Pastor for sharing this with us, and now we gladly share with our visitors, to say this touched us would be an understatement. We have no idea where on the internet this originated but we are glad it found it’s way to us!
Peace and blessings to all

Keepers and JM

A couple of weeks ago, keepers wrote a blog about how strange calls have been coming in on our personal number from two different hospitals.  On September 18, 2007– a phone number showed up on our caller Id which had the name St. John’s Health Center listed with it.  However, the person that called left no voice mail.  This call did not seem so strange to keepers as we are still trying to settle our emergency room visit there from last spring.  We thought it was strange the billing department would not leave us a message asking that keepers return their call but we were not really upset by this one incidence.

Then, on September 24, 2007 another strange call came in from a different hospital.  This call came in from the Mayo Clinic (at least that is what appeared on our personal caller ID).  Keepers did not get to the phone in time to answer it but we did call the number back within only moments.  What we got was a recording stating that there was absolutely no way to tell which extension the call had been placed from.  Now, keepers were beginning to get worried that a family member might be in the hospital and trying to contact us for some reason.  We called our JM at work and asked him to call the number that showed up on our personal caller ID.  JM called the number and got the exact same recording keepers did.  Also, this recording did identify that this number was coming from the Mayo Clinic.  So, JM looked up another phone number for the Clinic and placed a call to see if we find out what was happening.  The lady with whom he spoke was a receptionist of some sort and very nice.  She tried hard to be helpful but could not track down where the call originated from within the Mayo Clinic.

After this second event, keepers put up a blog entitled STRANGE HAPPENINGS AT KEEPERSKORNER which spoke of each of these calls.  We wrote the blog in case some family member was trying to reach us so that person would know we were concerned and here to help in any way we could.  However, no family member contacted us after that blog went up so we kind of chalked it up to some kind of weird coincidence and tried to let it go.

Then, on October 13, 2007 another call like this came in from Alexian Brothers Hospital here in St.  Louis.  Again, no message was left but this call was a point of concern for us as we have a family member who would always go to Alexian Brothers for treatment.  So, keepers returned the call to the number on our caller ID.  We got the central switchboard type of place in the hospital.  Again, we were told that there was no way to track the call back to the extension from which it was placed.  So, out of frustration, keepers hung up the phone and tried to let this call just go as well since we have evidence that a loved one is ill and dealing with hospitals.

Now, this morning, yet another call came in while keepers were too busy to pick up.  This call said UNKNOWN CALLER and had a St. Louis phone number keepers did not recognize.  We waited for a voice mail to show up from this call but none ever did.  So, we contacted our JM again who called the number.  The call came from St. Anthony’s (another hospital in St.  Louis).  This time, the person who answered told JM that the number is simply the general one for the entire hospital.  She went on to explain that St. Anthony’s has over 4,000 extensions and there is no way to track down which one the call originated from.

Now, keepers are extremely concerned about these calls since there are several family members who could be in serious physical trouble.  Since these people are scattered all over and we are out of contact with many of them, it is impossible for us to know who is ill (if anyone) in our family.  Each of keepers perpetrators from childhood is either permanently confined somewhere or gone from this earth so we are not concerned that it might be one of them.  But we are deeply worried that these calls might be coming from one of our external children who we would go to the ends of the earth for no matter how bad our relationships had become.  But, I am sad to say that keepers still have no idea who is making these calls or even whether we should be taking them this seriously or not.

In trying to find answers to why these calls keep coming in here at KEEPERSKORNER, we have had one person suggest that it is just simply some kind of computer generated call that has no importance at all.  Still, keepers will not rest easy until we put an end to these calls by either making contact with the family member who needs us or by getting the glitch out of the computer which is generating the calls.

Someone also made the suggestion that a hacker could have gotten into the hospitals computers and are trying to hack in to our computer to see if they could get information.  I am told that this would not be a personal attack on us but a hacker just do it on a broad basis which happens to include our computer.  Again, this is a very worrisome possibility since KK has already dealt with identity theft and hackers (twice).  So, our JM is contacting our phone company for assistance.  He also put in a call to our webmaster for advice on how probable this is and what to do about it.

Anyway, keepers want to reiterate that should this be a family member trying to reach us, we are here and hoping to make contact with you soon.  It matters not if the family member is a sibling or an external child, we would do all we can to help and to be here for you because that is what family is all about.  But more and more it looks like this is a case of something else rather than a patient trying to reach us so keepers are trying to turn it over to the phone company and our webmaster in the hopes that they can figure it our and put an end to these troublesome calls.

Until we figure this out–keepers are keeping on keeping on and KEEPERSKORNER is business as usual each and every day.

peace and blessings,

keepers

**The above pictures really are of keepers dressed up as clowns. The room we are in is what used to be our family room but now is our art studio here at KEEPERSKORNER**

Every year on Valentine’s Day the private school our external children attended had an event which they called MISSION CARNIVAL. The name came from the fact that all proceeds from the day always went to various missions around the world. For the children, MISSION CARNIVAL was the biggest day of the year as far as school went. The entire gymnasium was transformed into games and carnival events for children from kindergarten to eighth grade. Each event cost less than a quarter to participate in and the entire year was spent collecting awesome prizes for the children to win. No child ever left MISSION CARNIVAL without a bag of neat prizes to take home and sort through.

In all honesty, I can not remember how it was that keepers became the clown for MISSION CARNIVAL.  Doing something like this was not in keepers nature at all.  It is true that keepers always tried to carry our fair share of the work for special events at the school and, in emergencies, would do things like be on of the attending parents on a field trip but that was very different than being the clown for the carnival which would occupy an entire day and more for keepers.  However, I do remember sewing the clown costume and stitching the red yarn into the cap for the clown’s hair.  But, I could have sworn the costume was being made for another mother more suited to playing clown for the children.

However it came about, keepers did play clown for MISSION CARNIVAL.  Perhaps, it was the white makeup or our being covered from head to toe but I do remember that keepers had an absolute ball being clown that day.  And I know that our internal littles were so happy to be a part of MISSION CARNIVAL in this way.  I remember how much fun it was to laugh and play with the young students.  I remember our joy at seeing little faces beam from ear to ear when keepers, the clown, handed out balloons.  I remember having sooooooooooooo much fun and leaving the carnival completely worn out at the end of the day.

The grade school that our external children attended was a place where keepers were very blessed to have friends and fit in.  The truth is that there were a multitude of times when keepers could only do the background work (like making signs or cleaning up after an event or sewing together costumes) and not even attend the actual event.  But the other mothers were always very understanding about keepers limitations which made us feel more comfortable and more able to participate.    Had it not been for the awesome kindness of the other mothers, I doubt if keepers could have ever found the courage to do things like be the clown for MISSION CARNIVAL.

This was one of those experiences where the outside of keepers appeared normal and in control (as much as any clown can be these things) while our internal landscape was full of chaos brought on solely by excitement.  As this day wore on, our little keepers were through the roof in terms of having fun doing something they had never experienced before.  Others only saw the shy smile of the clowns face as the day unfolded.  What I got to experience was the giggles of internal little girls and the even the internal guffaws of Terrence and his twin brother Patrick as they horsed around with external children.  Keepers knew that everyone knew whose mom it was behind the white painted face but somehow keepers felt a freedom to just have fun doing this which made it an experience keepers will always remember and cherish.

It is kind of sad because the school where our external children attended has been closed for a while now.  The children have all grown up and have families of their own in today.  But every once in a while an invitation arrives inviting this adult child or that one to the tenth or twentieth reunion of their particular class back then.  The fellow mothers that keepers once knew as friends have all moved on to new phases in their lives.  They have become people keepers remember fondly but have lost touch with over time.

Still, digging through our bin of pictures and finding keepers in our clown outfit brought back to us a time when life seemed to fit together so much better than it does now.  Seeing us standing in what was our family room all decked out ready to head off for the MISSION CARNIVAL brought a tear to keepers eyes and helped each one of us to remember how much fun we had taking on this experience so many years ago.

peace and blessings,

keepers

The woman in the above picture is keepers as we looked in the year 2000.  Actually, this is a picture of Terrence (our 7 year old boy alter).  To the left is our John Michael in the red baseball cap.  For the life of me, I can not remember the names of the two baby tigers that we are holding in our arms.  However, I clearly remember that the cubs were two months old and feisty as can be–especially the one Terrence was holding.  Not shown are our daughter and her then boyfriend (whom later became her husband) holding two other little tigers.  This was one of the last afternoons we got to spend with our daughter before she moved to the west coast.  That alone made this day very special for keeper.

But the fact that JM and keepers got to have such close up contact with both cubs and adult lions and tigers was an experience that was awesome in every way.  As you can see, we had lots of fun holding the cubs.   In fact, all keepers were so enthralled that every one of us seemed to be paying attention that day.  But, the close up encounters with the adult lions and tigers was the most remarkable experience ever.  All that stood between them and us was chain link fence.  The adult big cats were in cages made only of chain link fence.  Some were in huge cages that gave them plenty of room to move around.  Others were in smaller cages that allowed less movement for the animal but enough that they were not unhappy of overly confined.

One of the smaller cages held an adult female tiger who had been abused by a man when she was just a cub.  In adulthood, this female tiger reacted quite viciously if a man even approached her cage.  For this reason, JM had to stay further back but keepers could get much closer to the tiger.  It was interesting to hear how only a woman could enter this tiger’s cage to feed her or clean up after her.  I guess even in the animal kingdom abusive experiences affect the animal on a lifelong basis which breaks keeper’s hearts.

Then, there was Zeus–a full grown male lion who weighed in at 700 pounds.  Needless to say, Zeus was in a very large cage that gave him plenty of room to roam and play.  The owner told us how it turned out to be impossible to breed Zeus as he was so arduous with female lions that he wound up killing them in the throws of passion. While the owner was telling us about Zeus, we were standing right next to the chain link fence of his cage.  All of a sudden, we heard the roar of this gigantic lion.  We turned around to see Zeus at the other end of the cage and charging toward our John Michael.  Thank heavens for the strong chain link cage because that was all that stopped Zeus in his tracks!!!!!!!!!!!!

In our lifetimes, keepers have had some experiences that were just awesome for us.  Most of these were while our external children were growing up. Keepers tend to remember only how we fell short as mothers and to forget the magnificent experiences we had during those years.  Recently, someone suggested we bring back those good memories to the forefront for keepers and let the rest go.  That is why keepers are going back and sharing some of the neat things we have gotten to do over the years.  It is helping us to find a balance where we can let go easier and begin to focus on the future with more hope.

Tomorrow, keepers are going to share with our experience of being a clown for Mission Carnival at a local church.  That was a lot of fun, too, but I will tell you all about it in my next blog.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Yesterday was the day that JM and keepers traveled to meet Wolfbaby halfway between her home and our home.  First, we went into the restaurant and had a wonderful dinner while we chatted about everything under the sun. Then, we went outside to get some pictures for keepers to bring home and always remember how nice it was to actually meet this dear person we had met months ago through cyber space.  Wolf and keepers were sitting on the bench and JM was our photographer.  He swore he was getting pictures of our face but what came out were pictures of our feet.  The feel on the left are keepers and on the right is WOLFBABY.    We will always treasure this momento of us sitting on the bench together.

The picture above here is the next one JM took.  Thanks, Honey, for actually getting our faces in this.  Of course, the one in the white top is keepers (Actually, Polly is the one out in this photo) and the one in the grey shirt is Wolfbaby.  To be honest, keepers feel in love with Wolf’s T Shirt as it had a beautiful picture of a wolf on the front.  And you will notice that Wolf is good heartedly giving rabbit ears to Polly as JM shoots the picture.  These are the kinds of little things that made our afternoon with Wolfbaby so much fun for JM and keepers.

But, the very best part of this picture, is the smile on Wolfbaby’s face.  She says she hates her smile but it was one of the things keepers loved about her.  We could tell that she smiles from her heart and that she has one of those smiles that just simply lights up the world.  Ten years from now, if someone asks us what we remember about the day keepers met Wolfbaby, we will surely say that keepers remember her beautiful smile

The guy in the above picture is none other than our JM.  The lovely lady is, of course, Wolfbaby.  Keepers were glad because they seemed to have a good time together as well.  Of course, I can not speak for Wolf, but keepers and JM are soooooooooo glad that we drove the distance and got the chance to meet the person we consider to be our cyber daughter.

To be honest, meeting someone new is something keepers would have never done as recently as a year ago.  All of our lives, keepers have always drawn far away from new situations and new people.  So, the just the fact that keepers were able to show up for our first meeting with Wolfbaby tells us that we really have come a very long way and that we do not have to live in deep seclusion any more.  Keepers have finally learned that our family may judge and reject keepers but there are people out there in the world who are willing to be our friends and to allow us the freedom to be ourselves.  For us, this is a huge thing to realize since there has never been a moment when keepers thought our having friends or chosen family would ever be possible for any of us.

Wolfbaby was, admittedly, very nervous meeting keepers.  Keepers were extremely nervous meeting W0lf.  But, from our perspectives, our afternoon together went very well and showed keepers how good it feels to go out to dinner with a dear friend.  As the afternoon wore into evening, keepers became more comfortable being there.  And as we said goodbye, keepers felt very thankful that Wolf has come into our lives.  Then, on our two hour ride home, keepers enjoyed allowing yesterday to become a sweet and wonderful memory in keepers minds.  Yesterday will be one of those happy memories that keepers will always treasure.

peace and blessings,

keepers

***The above picture is of Becca ( a 6 year old alter in the system known as keepers).

Recently, I (as a big keeper) have had some experiences that have caused me to take a serious look at my attitudes toward our little alters. In fact, these experiences have been profound enough for me to climb up in the closet and dig out the small picture bin which contains photographs of our children keepers way way back when. ( In all honesty, I have never done this before totally because I could not bear to look at the many little people who share my body even in today. ) As I sat and sorted through the images, I found that there were so many things I wanted to say. And I realized that this is the time for me to say those things.

Early on in keepers therapy, our T suggested that I go to a school yard at recess time and watch the little girls playing happily on the playground. Actually, our external children were in grade school at the time and keepers were spending much time at the school as room mother or brownie leader or cub scout leader. So, what I did was take time when already at their school to sit out on the steps and watch the children playing during their after lunch recess. But, to be truthful, doing that did little to make me feel better about our child alters. After all, the little girls running around on the playground all seemed to happy and free in some way that I could not relate to so distance from that period of keepers life seemed all I could feel as I heard the girls giggle and run about. The bottom line was that I felt like I was watching normal little girls doing normal childhood things which was so foreign to me that I could not identify in any way.

I have always had very clear cut concepts about our little alters. Concepts that I have always been very unwilling to allow to change–as if holding on to my old judgments of our littles was my way of punishing them for ever having come into existence. Even internally, I have never been able to look at little keepers because the very sight 0f them so easily reminded me of all that happened way back in our childhood. The more that therapy was unearthing about our past–the more I needed to turn away from my own internal littles. And I have always been very deeply ashamed of the fact that each little keepers exists in any way. After all, I have been a grown up for a very long time (I have raised three external children of my own and now have grandchildren) and I truly felt like I must be soooooo e*il totally because I could not make these little girls and boys (who should not even exist anymore) go away so that I could be the mother my external children could be proud of. In all honesty, I have spent my life running away from things like our recent day at 6 Flags because I greatly feared my little alters would come out and want to join in the fun. For me, reality will always be that there have been many miniature golf course experiences or school picnics or swimming pool afternoons when I could not contain my little alters and they would come out to play or have fun despite my need to come across as totally a grown up. This has always been a part of life that I have always hated because I always felt like I needed to hang my head in shame for not containing those little keepers.

One of my problems with little keepers has always been how I perceived them to be bad or different in the world of children. I had always bought into what I was told about them. Little keepers were the ugly ducklings and so very fat. Little keepers were stupid beyond belief. And worst of all, I always saw our little girl keepers as bi*ches and wh*res. As awful as that sounds, those were the words our own parents used in terms of the little keepers when they lived in our childhood home. Something in me just accepted our parents view of little keepers as true and I never questioned that any further.

In therapy, I had always seen our little keepers as the ones who were beyond hope or help. This was especially true after our 17 years with our former therapist who was convicted in our case. The more he made keepers separate from each other, the less I could relate to littles and the easier it was for me to blame them for the way our lives have turned out. As the papers say, our former therapist focused totally on abreactive work which meant I was continually looking at little keepers who were suffering so badly and all I could feel was reminded of what each one had been through so I kept on allowing our T to separate us from one another just to protect myself from ever having to get to know these awful little keepers.

Several years have passed since keepers have left therapy and so much has changed in those years. Without a therapist, keepers have learned to work together and to see ourselves as a true internal family. I think that I began to accept the little alters more and more on some superficial level. Our JM even got me to the point where I could back off some times and let my little alters just come out and have fun. But I still felt a great distance between them and me. I still could not bear to look at Becca or any other little because it simply hurt way too much.

This afternoon, I was digging through the bin of pictures and I was amazed at how different my feelings have become about little keepers. I came upon the above picture of Becca and I picked it up. I have no idea how long it was that I sat there looking at the face of this little girl whom I have always denied the right to exist. It was not the picture of a 6 year old monster that I was holding. It was simply a photograph of a 6 year old girl who was trying to smile pretty. She really was just like the little girls who played on the playground during recess when my external children were in school. The only difference was that people had stolen her ability to be just another little girl playing happily at any time in her life. I think that I shall always remember today because–for the first time ever–I saw the little girl in Becca and I accepted that she is truly a part of who I and all keepers have become.

Coming to appreciate our little keepers has been a very difficult part of our healing journey. So many outside people have used them just to get what they wanted. And so many outside people have criticized and abandoned and even rejected them for this reason or that one. But I am beginning to see and know that what people on the outside say about our littles really does not matter because the look in Becca’s eyes tells me that she was nothing more than a little girl who was being harmed very very badly. Maybe having come to see that in her face will enable me to appreciate little keepers on a whole new level.

I do not know if this will really become reality for me but I certainly do hope it does because the little girl in the above picture deserved to be loved as much as any other little girl.

Thank you for reading.

Sara Christine (a keeper)

As recently as the year 2003, many people (including several therapists) considered keepers non-functional. (Please note that I did not say severely dysfunctional. I really did say non-functional). Unfortunately, this term defined our system quite well. We could not work together enough to even wash dishes or run the vacuum. Physically, our posture had become so bad that it took too much energy for us to shower and wash our hair. Our panic breathing had worsened to the point where keepers made no attempt to deal with stairs. We were heavily self-medicating through abusing prescription drugs and alcohol. In fact, keepers had reached the point where our entire system spent 99% of our time in our bedroom and far away from all other people. Life for keepers was not a pretty site and we felt no hope that things would ever get any better.

Now it is 2007 and keepers are considered highly functional in almost every way. We have quite a few loving relationships. We work hard from the time we wake up in the morning until we crawl into bed late at night. Psychiatric drugs are no longer a part of our lives and an occasional beer is all the alcohol we desire to consume. We never ever spend a whole day in our bedroom and we often find ourselves multi-tasking with relative success. Each and every day, keepers make sure we have the time to do those things that keep us in this better place because we never want to slip back to where we were just four short years ago.

I really wish that keepers could take credit for the evolution that is taking place within our system. Oh, I suppose that there are some things we can take credit for. Things like our commitment to our yoga and to our eating right and even for the clarity of mind that has come to us since we stopped drugging ourselves out every moment of every day. But the truth is that these things were only minimal forces in keepers going from being non-functional to highly functional. Something else has happened that keepers have never fully been able to define. In fact, whenever someone asks us what brought about such great change in keepers, we have to reply that the question is one which will never have any real answer.

All keepers really know is that we went to bed one night feeling completely and utterly beaten. We had gone beyond feeling bone tired to just simply hoping we would not wake up the next morning. Our emotional pain had reached new depths that none of us had ever experienced before. It was then that keepers began to realize that we had failed completely as mothers. And that was the point where keepers gave up on therapy for forever because we all felt like failures at that as well. That night, keepers had heard our JM say that a great chasm had opened and was swallowing all keepers. Our self-hatred was cutting into us like a knife that kept on penetrating deeper and deeper into our spirits.

Anyway, as keepers lay down to try and sleep that night, we felt no hope at all for a better day ever coming our way. As we closed our eyes, keepers all joined together in saying a very simple prayer. We simply said. “God, we can not live like this any more. Please either take us from this earth or begin to change our lives into something bearable.”

That night, while keepers slept, we had a dream that only today could we adequately describe. All keepers were crammed into this car. Each one of us (from the oldest to the youngest–except maybe Baby) were fighting over who was going to drive this overly packed vehicle. Then, at some point, keepers heard a strong yet gentle voice (that was not attached to any alter) which told us all to move over because the owner of the words would be driving for us from now on. At that point, keepers woke up and bolted upright in bed. I have no idea how long we sat there but eventually our body laid down and fell into a very restful sleep. The next day, keepers spoke with our new therapist on the phone and relayed this dream to him. His reply was that it was good that keepers could see this as just a dream and nothing more.

After this strange dream, the world around keepers did not change at all. People were still the same in how they saw us. We were still fighting the monumental battle of trying to deal with the empty nest syndrome. Menopause was still hitting us hard and making us miserable between the hot flashes and night sweats. The world around us did not change one little bit. And every alter which existed the night before was still accounted for the following morning.

But something in keepers had changed drastically even though keepers have never been able to figure just what is was that changed within us. We began moving forward with a life that we never ever dreamed we would have. Pieces of our lives began to fall into place and keepers were able to do little things like figure out the remote control for our tv or learning to write our own emails. We began listening to this inner voice which would tell us what to do and how to do it. We were on our way to a whole new life even though we had no idea at all how it actually happened.

Since then, keepers have learned to share this story with great caution because many treat what we say with disbelief. But, there have been moments when we are telling this story and the other person looks at keepers–telling us that this or that is what keepers need to do from here. One of these instances was when keepers related our story of having had it to Pastor Brown. Less than five minutes after hearing what he had to say he looked us in the eye and said “It’s time for keepers to start their ministry at KEEPERSKORNER and for keepers to  know God is taking care of everything else” That was a year and a half ago. It was also the very day that our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER became a reality instead of a dream.

Keepers now have an inner voice that all of us listen to at all times. Over and over again, that voice has spoken to keepers and told us where to go or what to do. Several times, keepers have been out of the house for the entire day. At some point, keepers know we must go home. Not out fear or because keepers are upset but simply because we need to be at home. Every time this has happened, within fifteen minutes of getting home a phone call has come from a family member who is on their way to the hospital or something. At other times, keepers simply know that we need to pick up the phone to call this person or that one. When we do make the call, the person on the other end is astonished that keepers knew to call just exactly when that person was suffering somehow. The change that came to keepers that night is something we could never ever describe. All keepers really know is that our system did a lousy job trying to be the drivers on our journey through this life. We are so very glad that someone or something told all keepers to move over and leave the driving to a power much higher than keepers.

If I were sitting back and reading this blog, I would think that keepers had taken leave of their senses and were employing magical thinking way too much. But having lived it and having experienced keepers going from being non-functional to being highly functional in just four short years leads me to believe that whatever happened that night when keepers turned it over will always be a question that just simply has no logical or rational answer.

peace and blessings,

keepers