The above picture is of keepers art studio here at KEEPERSKORNER. It occupies the area that was once our family room. However, after the empty nest syndrome hit so hard for keepers, changing our home to suit our needs in today seemed the appropriate thing for us to do. Our studio is also where our computer system is as keepers have spent so much time in here and having the computers in the studio means we can do IMing and other things while Ellen or Maggie is working on a painting or Beth is occupying the drafting table while getting lost in one of her drawings. In the background is our Wall of Wonderful where the faces of all our dear friends and sisters are always smiling at us and encouraging us to keep on keeping on. One thing keepers very much wanted in this picture is not shown. It is a large pink butterfly that hangs from the ceiling off to the left of what is show. This beautiful butterfly was a gift from Sarah–a 9 year old alter in one of the systems that has become so dear here at KEEPERSKORNER. The butterfly hangs just in front of the doorway into our studio from outside and has KEEPERS LADY written on it. This is our friend Sarah calls us and a name we have loved so much that we have adopted it when speaking about keepers to others.

The above picture is of our new office for KEEPERSKORNER. Where our studio is in the back of the house and away from the hurry scurry of life–our office is in the front of the house and always ready to greet stoppers by. Several of keepers paintings hang in the office as a way to introduce people to our artwork and a reminder that keepers really are good at something. KEEPERSKORNER desperately needed an office where we could keep hard copy records of things we send out to multiples who request them and to keep track of meetings or speaking engagements that come our way. Keepers have envisioned our office for KEEPERSKORNER for a very long time now. John and keepers both want to thank Monsanto for selling us our office furniture so cheaply ($20 for the desk and $20 for the file cabinet.) Otherwise, our office would have had to wait much longer to become a reality. The rocking chair at the forefront of the picture is in honor of our grandbabies for whom we bought this rocker but never got the chance to sit in it and hold one of our precious little grand daughters. This way, they are a part of KEEPERSKORNER in spite of being absent from our lives.

This is another picture of our art studio with our cat, Max, lying on top of the freezer where he thinks he is ruling all that happens. Actually, though, both Max and Owen are wonderful company for keepers throughout our day. Max really does like to perch on the freezer and supervise our activities whenever possible. Owen, on the other hand likes to lie under the drafting table in the studio or under the desk in the office so that he can be close while maintaining his secrecy. Owen is wonderful for soothing keepers feet, though. We simply rub our feet over his soft fur and feel much better at any given time

And last but definitely not least, the above picture is of God’s Inbox that sits atop the file cabinet in our new office.  Not only is this inbox full of requests for God to help KEEPERSKORNER with this or that but it also full of our little buddy, Max.  Now, God’s inbox is no bigger that 9×12 which means our Maxer really has to scrunch to get his whole body in there.  But, to be honest, Max is a very small cat and seems to like being all scrunched up–as long as he is in a place where he can supervise that goes on here at KEEPERSKORNER.  As you can see, the corner of God’s Inbox seems to be a perfect resting place for Max’s little head.  Keepers love it when Max chooses this as his supervisory place simply because he purrs his little head and keepers love the sound of our cats purring.

So, there you have it–a cyber walk through of KEEPERSKORNER.  We hope you enjoyed the tour and we sincerely hope that you will stop by for a visit should you ever be in the area.  However, thanks to our attacker, advanced notice of visitors is necessary because keepers must stay safe at all times.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Sometime in the next week, John Michael and keepers will have our ceremony where all of our alters will become family with JM. We just have to wait for Pastor to let us know what day he will arrive here at KEEPERSKORNER to officiate for us. We have told Pastor that the day does not matter to us because we have no one to invite and the only celebration to follow the ceremony will be us taking him out for a good dinner. We are even doing the ceremony here in the office of KEEPERSKORNER because it seems only appropriate for us to have the ceremony in the place where keepers spend all of our lives now.

Big keepers have known for years that our little alters wanted so much to have this ceremony and actually become a part of JM’s family with big keepers. Even though our bigs married JM nearly 40 years ago, our littles always felt on the outside of the family as it has been around here. However, up until a few years ago, little keepers thought they had three very special people who were their family and that made little keepers happier than they had ever been. These three people turned out to not be family at all and that left our little keepers suffering greatly and feeling more alone that most people can even imagine. So, we came up with idea of doing our renewal of wedding vows and the unification of all keepers into the family a while back. It has taken us this long to find a minister with enough open mindedness and caring to perform this ceremony for us.

To tell you the truth, I do not think I have ever seen our little keepers on as big a high as they are right now. Not only our littles but our teens as well. I think the excitement may, partially, be due to the fact that JM and keepers never had a real wedding with all the trimmings. We were married by a judge in his chambers and without much fanfare. So being able to plan this ceremony (small as it may be) is kind of keepers having a moment when we all stand together in becoming family with our John Michael. To us, this ceremony is far more important that any wedding we might have had years ago because all keepers are aware of what is happening and how much it means to our system.

I have spent the last few days with our teens discussing what they should wear. JM finally told them that they could change clothes up to 4 times during the day that day so that each teen gets to wear what she wants for a little while. And our Saturday shopping this morning will include looking for candles to use in the ceremony and flowers for our littles to place in the vase provided for them. Then, bigs need to get things like having our hair color freshened before our big day and getting the office clean and shiney for when the ceremony takes place. So, this weekend is full of things for us to get done in preparation for our big day.

It is really kind of strange I guess–nothing has ever meant more to keepers than family. But every time we have had what we thought was a family–it turned out to be only an illusion of something we all wanted but could not find. The people in our family tend to look at keepers as something that should be hidden away behind lock and key instead of someone who should be cared about and respected. Still, keeper’s most treasured dream has been for us to be a part of a real, true family.

Before long, our little keepers will see our family with our John Michael as very real and very official. Bigs are sorry that it took us 38 years to get a ceremony done where everyone can feel like part of one big family both internally and externally. Still, we are glad that it is happening now and we are thankful that we made it through all the bad times so that our little keepers could truly relish in this ceremony as it comes to fruition.

Our family with JM may be a little tiny family full of many children who were never meant to grow up. But we look at this family and we are overjoyed that we have it. As someone used to say, this family may be tiny but it truly is mighty. The might in this family comes from the unending love that exists between its members. Love for our John Michael and love for each other in our system.

Now I really do wonder–could keepers possibly be more blessed?

peace and blessings,

keepers

We here at Keeperskorner made a boo boo and deleted a blog we did not mean to so we are presenting it again.  We have a new friend, Dreaming2fly, and she has a forum we would like people to visit and see if they would feel comfortable there.  We know at least one of our  visitors is a member there and once you visit you may want to also. So her eis Dreaming2fly to tell you all about her forum:

hi everyone.. my name is Dreaming2Fly.. id like to take this time to share about my website and its forum, Wings of Hope.. i created Wings of Hope August 21st 2006.. it covers a wide range of things.. like:

Multiple Personality Disorder / Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Autism, Adoption, Abuse Issues, Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain, Addictions, Self-Injury, SRA/RA, Relationships, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Depression, Memories and Flashbacks, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Eating Disorders, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Coping Skills, Mental Health & Disability, Grief and Loss and other things too..

i created Wings of Hope Forum and its Website in August of last year.. my purpose for this was to be able to reach out to others.. i am a survivor of different types of abuse.. i understand the scars that it leaves in your life.. when i first came on the internet for my first time.. i wanted to find a place who would understand what ive been through and would be supportive.. it was hard for me to find a place like that.. one forum would have one subject i could identify with and another place would have another one.. it was hard trying to keep up with different places.. so i decided to build Wings of Hope where everything is covered in one place..

Wings of Hope has grown over the time its been open.. im always adding new things and new faces of members will show up.. thats always pleasent to see.. the members are encouraging and supportive of one another.. it has been nice to sit back sometimes and think of how this site just blossomed and how the members care so much about one another..

if you would like to join Wings of Hope it would be great to see you there..

Wings of Hope Website

Wings of Hope Forum

if you have any questions or concerns.. you can always email us at the Wings of Hope address: woh_org@yahoo.com

NOTE: Please do not use Wings of Hope Website, it’s Forum or Wings of Hope E-Mail for spam use! Thank you…..

Dreaming2Fly

Yesterday morning, our John Michael woke keepers up shortly after 7 am. While we were eating breakfast together, he told keepers that someone had drowned in Truman Lake some five hours away from us. Then, he quickly interjected that the victim was not anyone that keepers know. This was an important thing for him to do because keepers know quite a few people down around Truman Lake here in Missouri and our first thought was–naturally–whether or not this drowning had taken the life of our brother or of a nephew who lives down near the lake. Keepers were sad that someone had drowned but so very thankful that it was not someone keepers love very much.

Then, this morning, the news was on as our John Michael was making it through his getting ready for work routine. We heard the anchorman say that a St. Louis cop was shot and killed during the night. This caught keepers attention because we have a loved one who chose being a policeman as his career. Keepers were very thankful when the name of the slain officer was given pretty readily. All of us breathed a sigh of relief and set out to begin our day. Of course, we were saddened by the death of another officer in this area but we could not help but give thanks that the victim was not our loved one.

The morning is the only time that news is ever on here at KEEPERSKORNER. Even then, it is usually up to our John Michael to watch and see what is happening both locally and worldwide. After her has been brought up to speed, he usually lets keepers know anything that we might have to deal with. Then, keepers let the world outside go for the next 24 hours simply because the news is little more than one horror story after another which is not something need to be dealing with.

Keepers know that it is important for us to be informed about events happening in the world. We do this as best we can but being inundated with tragedy after tragedy or crisis after crisis over which keepers have absolutely no power or control does very little to make life bearable for us. So, we let our JM gather what is necessary for us to know and trust him to keep the rest at bay from keepers. Even at that, our JM only pays attention to the news at the beginning of his day and lets it go until the next morning rolls around.

To say that this is a cold, cruel world is saying too little about the way people treat each other. Just riding down the highway, keepers see so many instances of road rage. They are behaviors that scare us to death. Even in our John Michael’s cube at work, there hangs a sign about office rage and how to prevent it. This same sign hangs in every cube at the behest of the higher ups in this corporation. Here in our own neighborhood, an angry resident once walked with the streets with both a pistol and a shotgun in hand. The police had to be called in to bring this man away from our homes. Break ins are getting more and more common in our neighborhood. So many older residents have been abandoned by their children and speak often of how hard it is for them to just get daily chores done.

Here at KEEPERSKORNER, life has changed a great deal over the last few months. In some ways it has reverted back to being the way it was when we tended our Nana. Mostly. our shades are closed on every window to keep us safe from our attacker who has threatened our lives. We peek out every now and then. Not to see what the neighbors are doing but to check and see if a patrol car is sitting outside or driving by as promised to protect keepers from this attacker. Every thirty minutes one still drives past our home and occasionally sits across the street keeping a watchful eye on KEEPERSKORNER for us. We have posts up against each door to make them impossible to open from the outside. Keepers carry a phone with us everywhere just in case we need to make that dreaded call to the police.

Keepers hear what is on the morning news and we really wonder about the world outside our door. Keepers look at our lives now and really wonder about the morals of the person who has caused us to live this way.

But, in spite of all the horror stories on the news and what has been unfolding for months here at KEEPERSKORNER, we know more than ever that only part of this world is cold and cruel. Yes, that part of the world is something keepers must stay far away from because it scares us so much. But, keepers also need to remember that the cold cruel part of the world is only one aspect of human nature and has little to do with the life that keepers are now living.

Keepers do not go out into the world a whole lot any more. We do go out but only to places where keepers feel safe and only to see people who are truly our friends. You see, keepers have learned that it is far better for us to just have one or two people in our lives and be at peace with how things go than have a life riddled with many who are angry and hurtful to those around them. Keepers have had to choose the life of simplicity and safety over popularity. For us, that was the only decision we could make.

Keepers find it very sad that the morning news is so full of tragedy that it is too much for us to see or hear. We also find it very sad that our own personal world has become so dangerous that our local police have to check on us and we can not have the freedom to even sit on out front porch. Still, that is the reality in which keepers have to make our lives.

I remember the days we spoke with the police concerning our attacker. The officer always read all the comments and emails. Each time we were assured that disturbed person in all of this is the one writing to us. Each time, the officer would say I REALLY WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I DOUBT ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN BUT THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE SOMETHING MIGHT. Every time we heard these words, keepers would cry at the thought of someone hating us enough to put us in this kind of danger. But, the truth is that this is not about us at all. This kind of thing is on the morning news every single day around here. We were just lucky that we brought the authorities in on this before something actually did happen.

The morning news always tells the tale of how cold and cruel the world really is. Keepers own lives tell the tale of how cold and cruel our own personal world has become.

Keepers have never done well out there in the cold, cruel world.  For us, it is a very frightening place of which we are reminded by the morning news at each 7 am.  We have learned that it is so much better to keep our system safe than to risk having to deal with the repercussions of taken a foolish chance.  You see, keepers now want happiness in our lives a whole lot more than we want to prove to everybody how much we can handle or how very strong we are.  At this stage in our lives, keepers are just happier without the hassles of trying to function in a world where people are so mean and intolerant of each other.

peace and blessings,

keepers

The above piece of artwork has always been one of keepers most precious treasures–although the artist looks at me in wonderment when I say that. It is a piece of art that has always hung in our family room which was turned into our art studio when the empty nest syndrome hit hard for keepers. This piece of art is also the foundation for KEEPERSKORNER. It always has been and always will be the cornerstone for our art studio and not for profit organization. However, this beautiful piece that was given with so much sweetness many years ago has changed in what it represents here and for us. Back in 1981, this picture represented family ties in keepers minds. Not unhealthy bonds but our being part of a loving family once removed from our family of origin. Then, this picture represented sweet memories from long ago as keepers aged and our lives changed drastically. Now, in today, this same piece represents growth and life in its purest form which is always full of changes around here. This beautiful painting done by our youngest daughter when she was only 6 years old now becomes the foundation of a new beginning for little keepers as John Michael and bigs let them know that they, too, are truly part of what family is all about.

Next week, Pastor Brown (our dear friend from Save Our World Ministries) is making the five hour (each way) journey to KEEPERSKORNER so that he can perform a ceremony customized to unite John Michael and all keepers as one big family in the eyes of God. First, John Michael and bigs will renew our wedding vows which is a very important thing to do right now. Then, John Michael will do an adoption ceremony with each of our littles so that they become one with us as a real family. We will have a unity candle which John Michael and keepers will light together. Surrounding the unity candle will be many small candles–one for each little keeper–so that they too can participate in the lighting of our unity candle. Hopefully, each little keeper will also get to place his/her favorite flower in a vase among the others. The importance of this is to represent each little keeper bringing his/her own beauty into our new family unit.

This ceremony has become very important for us to do for little keepers. First they felt the rejection and judgment of our family of origin which crippled them in many ways. Then, they watched our family with John and keepers external children fall apart which our littles took as more judgment and rejection of them. They thought this was their faults since they were the ones who were never really wanted by our external children and they are the ones who always brought embarrassment to the same people. Still, all our little keepers ever wanted was to be loved and accepted as part of a family. Lately, things have been so hard for our littles that JM telling them that they truly are his family does not reach them on any real or deep level. So, we took it to the next step and discussed the possibility of doing this ceremony with Pastor officiating. Once the ceremony is over, all keepers will be family with John Michael–even in the eyes of God so our littles will have finally found a home and a way to know that they are truly loved.

Big keepers would like nothing more than to have some special people around as this event takes place in our lives. We would love to give our littles a fine and happy party following the ceremony. But in the real world keepers have not one person to invite and our cyber friends all live too far away to be with us on this special day. So, the ceremony will happen in the afternoon and then we will take Pastor to a grand dinner at a place where little keepers can also have the food they love. That will be our celebration following the ceremony.

I can not say for sure, but I truly think that our John Michael is as excited about this ceremony as keepers are. It brings to full resolution the issue of who is family and who is not. The ceremony will let our John Michael know he is loved by all keepers and it will let our little keepers know they finally really have a home here with our JM. We are doing the ceremony just before our wedding anniversary so that everyone can join in when we celebrate that 38 years of our lives together.

This ceremony may seem like a silly idea to most people. We know it would to our family members. But to keepers it is a beginning of our living more in unity and sharing life as one big happy family. And to our little keepers it is the end of a life where they called themselves vagabonds that nobody wanted or could love. To all of us here at KEEPERSKORNER this ceremony literally is

THE BEGINNING

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers greatest struggle in life has always been to accept ourselves as women.  That is because keepers grew up feeling totally rejected and sold out by our own gender.  That had caused us huge issues with the women in our lives.  These issues became critical to keepers when we found ourselves raising two beautiful little girls.  You see, keepers wanted so much to do our very best for our daughters from the moment they were born.  In many ways, this is what led to keepers long saga of our years in therapy.  We knew that keepers needed help if we were going to pass on pride in womanhood to our two little girls.  Unfortunately, keepers were so hard wired against women that a female therapist was something we could not relate to and a male therapist had no concept of what keepers were going through.  Thus, keepers were left struggling with our own womanhood with no one to help or even understand.  For years, we thought this was the worst that could happen to us.  Now, we know that it had to be this way because there were so many parts of keepers that keepers had to discover on our own.

More than once, keepers sat in a therapy session and spoke about how we saw ourselves as more masculine than feminine.  We were sure that our men’s jeans and our very short hair and our oversized shirt somehow enable us to come across as more masculine.  Each time, the therapist would sit there and disagree with us by telling keepers that we are very feminine in almost every way.  The T would point out that our little girl alters are very much little girls who like little girl things and our teen alters are very much young women who only needed a chance to grow in the right direction and us adult keepers were very feminine in every way.  Usually, these therapy sessions ended in disaster because keepers could never see what our therapist was telling us was true.

Keepers mother was a woman who never should have had daughters.  Her attitudes toward the female sex were twisted and turned beyond belief.  In fact, I remember listening to mom talk about how she just could not bear to even touch her baby girl (keepers) at any stage of life.  We had already learned in therapy that mom’s inability to touch us had led to our failure to thrive tag that was attached to us by a pediatrician while this body was still in its infancy.  We remember feeling humiliated in our back yard by our mother.  She was angry because this body threw like a girl.  We remember feeling ashamed when our mother made fun of us in the school hall because a keeper fell in love with another little girl’s pretty pink dress.  We remember the lavender apron keepers bought our mother for Christmas one year.  She threw it in the trash on Christmas Day because it was too girly.  But mostly keepers remember how she would refuse to touch us because we were little girls.

From early on, keepers thought being a woman meant being like our mother.  She had ice cold hands and cold hard facial features.  She hated pets of any kind.  She did not believe in things like hugs.  She literally sold out her own daughter for her own financial gain.  She was known for bouncing checks and stealing money.  But the greatest thing that keepers remember is that our mother never did a kind thing for anyone.  Still, we knew her blood was in us and we thought that growing into womanhood meant we were destined to be the same type of person–which was the last thing keepers ever wanted.  For keepers, the bottom line was that we never had anyone to teach us anything about being girls and then eventually women.  In fact, keepers went through life desperate to be anything but the females that we were.

For years, our John Michael complained because keepers always dressed like nuns–with high neck collars and skirts down to our ankles or pants that were way too baggy.  We wore no makeup and we kept our hair very short.  Then, keepers moved into a phase (that lasted a good ten years) where this body wore nothing but baggy old sweats with no shape or design to them at all.  Our daughters were a little older then and they did all they could to get keepers to dress in something else but their efforts were always in vain.

One of the most devastating moments for us was the time when our youngest daughter (then 17) pointed out that keepers were large breasted and that keepers may as well stop denying that fact.  Her words cut us to the quick because she was pointing out a feature that identified us as women at a time when keepers were fighting so hard to get away from our being women.

They say that time changes all things.  For keepers on this issue that is more than true.  It has taken a lot of pain and a lot of our system enduring the tortures of the damned for us to move away from our hatred of being women.  In fact, I have no idea when it actually began to change for us.  I only know that is had been in the last five or six years.  But I do know that keepers have slowly laid down all the baggage we once carried about our own womanhood and began to feel lighter and freer within our own femininity.  In fact, most of us now wear a bra that accents the size of our chest instead of doing all we can to deny its existence.

Most little girls grow into womanhood in a natural way that is marked by things like first dates and party dresses and red roses.  This was soooooooooo untrue in keepers lives.  Our personal journey toward relishing in our own womanhood was very long and very tedious in almost every way.  We all had so much to overcome and so many sick concepts to release back to the universe before keepers could stand tall and proud of being women.  But, somehow, keepers made it to the day when we are thankful that this body was born female and we are grateful for the blessings that are for women alone on this earth.

In today, keepers love wearing sun dresses and we enjoy giggling like school girls and we are passionate about things like motherhood.  We actually feel our femininity and we thank those therapists who pointed out to us that it was there.  For us, being feminine is a balance between feeling deeply and thinking actively.  It is a blend of our need to protect and to be protected.  And it is a wonderful mixture of keepers loving others while others love keepers.  Only by coming to understand what our womanhood means to us did we gain the knowledge that being good enough for our mother was never what our lives were all about.  Keepers lives were only about keepers being good enough for keepers.

These last months have proven to keepers that being a woman is very hard work.  We have been down in the trenches–battling our own grief and sorrow.  We have struggled with difficulties that we were certain would do us in.  But, when all was said and done, it was the feminine part of keepers that saw us through and kept us strong.

For the first time in our lives, keepers are truly dancing the dance of our own womanhood.  The most precious part of this experience is that we are never dancing alone.  We are dancing with our sister survivors and with our fellow mothers and even with one or two little girls who come along and join in the dance as beginning of their own womanhoods.

To Beauty and Wolf and JIP and Marj and Kat and Katie and Meadow and Mini-mes and all the rest of you–thank you so much for showing keepers what an awesome thing it is to be a woman.

love always,

keepers

Soon, John Michael and keepers will celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary.  To us, that is a very big deal–partly because this has been such a long hard road for the both of us.  But, also, because we see our lives together as having been a successful union between a singleton and someone who lives in multiplicity.  Still, it would be a grotesque lie to say that the last 38 years have been easy in any way.  They have been so very taxing on both JM and keepers while always being worth the struggles in order to maintain our marriage.

Needless to say, when JM married one of our alters, he got much much more than he bargained for.  Still, he readily admits that he knew quite early on that something was very different about this woman he took as his wife.  In fact, when JM and keepers are out there in the world talking to people about multiplicity, he often regales them with story of how he first realized the truth about keepers.  This is a long story that leads into other stories so we will save it for another blog at another time.  Suffice it to say that our multiplicity was obvious enough that JM picked up on it within the first couple of weeks after our wedding.

Before going on, I need to state clearly that our marriage has lasted 38 years.  Not once in all that time has JM ever mentioned divorce.  Not once have he and keepers lived anywhere but in the same home and not once has JM ever strayed in any way with another woman.  Not once has he stopped in a bar after work and not once has he ever raised his hand to any keeper in any way.

In all honesty, keepers came into this marriage with several issues that (in hindsight) we know should have made it impossible for us to survive as husband and wife.  In today, keepers believe that these crippling issues were only overcome because JM approached everything with attitude that if he was not part of the solution–he was definitely part of part of the problem which he was always determined not to be.  Also, because JM and keepers felt such great love for each other that love really did become enough to see us through anything.

First, this body was a whopping twenty years old and had absolutely no ability to trust anyone for any reason.  Our system was very good at faking trust in others while living in total fear of everyone and everything.  But, the truth is that we had great love for the man we married but not one bit of trust to give him.  For thirty years, keepers lived every day expecting that to be the one when JM would either throw us out of his home or just disappear from our lives.  Keepers never believed him even though he told us millions of times that he would never ever leave us.  Time and time again, he was put in the position of proving to keepers that he was telling us the truth because keepers were very hard to being told lie after lie.  Still, for reasons keepers will never understand our John Michael hung in there and kept on trying to gain our trust.   I am sad to say that it was only after our mother passed back in 2001 that keepers could open our eyes and actually experience trusting our husband of so many years.

2.)  From the onset, keepers were basically non functional as we moved through our lives as adults on this earth.  We have never really held a job and keepers have only driven a car once or twice in the last forty years.  Yes, we do have a driver’s license but keepers have an absolute phobia about getting behind the wheel of a car.  Largely, because keepers have seen the harm that can be caused in an automobile accident.  Our system has always agreed that we would rather walk or stay home rather than take the chance on making a mistake and causing someone else that kind of harm.  But our lives have always been based totally on JMs income and that is all.  Also, JM has always had make work concessions to drive people in this family where it was important for us to go.  Not an easy life for a man trying to make a living for a family of five.  Over the years, our phobias about working and driving have gotten worse instead of better.

Keepers made a commitment to being stay at home moms before our children were even born.  Partly, this was because we were unable to work but also because there was no one else keepers trusted to take care of our babies.  However, keepers tried hard to be very active in our children’s lives.  We were room mother for each child at school for one year.  We were assistant cub master for our sons cub scout troop for several years.  We were assistant pixie leader for each of our daughter’s brownie troops.  We did volunteer work at their school’s carnival.  We taught courses in calligraphy and crafts at their school when asked to do that.  So, it was not like keepers were uninvolved with our children when they were young.

3.)Keepers came into this marriage with absolutely no self-esteem.  What made that worse was a world that saw our John Michael as the perfect human being.  Keepers own parents told us daily how perfect he was and how unworthy keepers were.  Therapists often said to us POOR JM–HE HAS THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING MARRIED TO KEEPERS.  Our external children saw him as the favorite parent–the parent that could do not wrong while keepers could do no right as mothers.  Then, there was JMs family where he was not just an only child but and only grandchild.  Both his parents and his grandparents absolutely worshiped the ground upon which he walked and continually made it clear to him that he could have done so much better in choosing his wife.  The further we went in the marriage, the worse keepers felt about ourselves and the lower our self-esteem sunk.  To be honest, it only made things worse that it hurt our JM as much as it hurt keepers for us to be seen in such a poor light while he always shined through as the perfect one.

4.) Keepers were very hard wired to protect ourselves from things we saw as imment and grave danger.  In fact, there were certain trigger behaviors that caused keepers to react with instinctual self-protection.  For example, as our son became a teenager, he developed the habit of grabbing keepers by both wrists when he was angry with us.  This triggered a keeper who would wrench her wrists free and lash out like a cornered animal.  After the second time our son did this, he was told to NEVER GRAB KEEPERS LIKE THAT AGAIN because it triggered gut instinct self protection.  Our son chose to disregard the warning.  Thus, every time he grabbed keepers by our wrists, he wound up with scratches on his face.  Also, whenever someone comes up behind keepers and puts his/her hand on our shoulder, our right hand automatically clenches and we turn around ready to belt the person in the jaw with all of our might.  Never once did we actually hit anyone but that gut instinct came out as soon as anyone came up to us from behind.   Needless to say, this was not an easy situation for our JM either.

5.)  For the first thirty years of our marriage, keepers were never physically healthy.  We did have spinal surgery at one point and we had our blood clot surgery and we had a c-section for one of our children but–other than that–the physical pain and difficulties that haunted us went without resolution or help because no doctor could accurately diagnose what was wrong.  Only much later would JM and keepers come to see that our physical problems were body memories and that our doing the abreactive work was the only thing that could bring relief to this body.  Between our learning to work through abreactions and keepers learning to do yoga on a daily basis, we are now pain free and very healthy.

6.) Keepers were diagnosed with MPD at a time when there was no understanding of this phenomenon.  In fact, Frank Putnam of NIMH once wrote to us telling us that we needed to understand that anyone treating us was probably dealing with their very first case of multiplicity.  So, even in the mental health community, keepers were not getting anything that helped and we were never feeling understood by our therapist.

7.)  Keepers were given their first drink of bourbon when this body was 3 years old.  We remember being set on the kitchen counter and having that awful substance forcefully poured down our gullets.  Besides, we came from a family of major alcoholics so self-medicating through drinking was the only way of coping we had ever learned.  Unfortunately, keepers became quite good at mixing the booze with prescription drugs just to take away all consciousness.  This was a way of life for keepers over the span of twenty years.

Now, to be honest, our John Michael brought issues to this marriage as well.  He has always had a temper which has terrified our littles to death at times.  For years, he had a real tendency to minimize what was happening to keepers which just made us feel even crazier.  But the hardest thing for keepers was the fact that our JM always followed the way our therapist was treating us and treated us the exact same way.  For example, our first therapist always accused keepers of faking our multiplicity so JM accused us of the same thing in our own home.  Then there was the time when keepers had a broken tooth that was literally shredding our tongue.  Our former therapist kept on saying that the broken tooth did not need a dentist because it was abreactive so keepers sat for weeks suffering with it before we got JM to take us to a dentist.  Then, keepers once bled profusely for six weeks.  Our former therapist told JM this was abreactive as well so keepers were just left bleeding like that.  By the time we got to a doctor keepers had to have a cervical biopsy and were put on prenatal vitamins because our blood counts were so severely low.  Then, when keepers knew we were in menopause, our former therapist claimed that our symptoms were abreactive and told JM to pay no mind which is what JM did.  Eventually, we had the blood test results in hand which our former therapist disputed the validity of but our JM began to take notice of keepers telling the truth about our physical well being.  To keepers, our JM did what he was supposed to do–listen to and trust our therapist.  Unfortunately, it took us 17 years to realize how untrustable our therapist was.

Back in the early 1970’s keepers saw our first psychiatrist for our problems.  JM was in the military and gone from us a great deal and for extended periods of time.  This was something keepers could not handle–especially since this body was pregnant with our first child.  The psychiatrist we were seeing was a good man and set about helping keepers get JM out of the military on what is called a Humanitarian Discharge.  But the psychiatrist put one condition on doing that–John MIchael had to promise that keepers would never again be around our family of origin because–according to the doctor–those people were literally destroying his patient.  However, when the discharge came through, Sara Christine (our alter who was always too attached to our family of origin) came out and just had to come home to be with the family that we had been warned to stay far far away from.

Keepers brought many unhealthy baggage with us into our marriage.  We brought a mother who stole money constantly from her children.  We brought a father and uncles who never did stop their abusive ways.  We brought out own inabilities and disabilities into a relationship that deserved so much better.  `

John is the father of each of keepers external children.  These children became very wise very quickly on how to manipulate keepers.  One keeper would tell our daughter no on something and her response would be OK. I WILL JUST WAIT FOR MY OTHER MOTHER.  Our children learned that keepers had no ability to say no to them.  So, whatever they wanted they asked keepers to ask their father to do.  Keepers were always stupid enough to comply with this and each of the children got whatever they wanted because not one of them ever had to come face to face with daddy to ask for what they wanted.  Only in hindsight do keepers see what a huge destructive force this was between JM and keepers.

Even after 38 years of marriage and of raising a family, our little keepers still see themselves as having no family.  After all, JM married a big keeper and the rest of us just kind of came along for the ride.  The only blood family our littles have is our external children but they turned away from our littles long ago.  JM and keepers have this plan to have a spiritual ceremony where JM and each individual keeper actually become family members in the eyes of God.  Pastor Brown has agreed to officiate this ceremony for us but when it will be I have no idea.  Until then, though, our littles wander this life with no sense of belonging to any family anywhere.  That is a sad thing for them in so many ways.

On top of all of this, JM and keepers have dealt with much as husband and wife.  Keepers mother stole the money we were to live on once JM was out of the military which made that transition almost impossible.  We have had our home gutted from a fire when keepers were five months pregnant with our youngest daughter.  JM lost his job through downsizing when we had a houseful of young children.  For over ten years, he had only temp jobs and worked a second job to make ends meet as best he could.  We have dealt with the suicide of a family member.  We have dealt with eating disorders in one of our children and perpetrator behaviors in another.  Keepers have separated from our family of origin only to have them resurface after many years and wreak havoc with our marriage once more.  All in all, keepers would say this marriage has had to survive way more that the average marriage sees in a lifetime.

But, as our 38th anniversary approaches, keepers look at all that has been and sit in amazement that our marriage was strong enough to get through all of it.  We sit in aw e of the fact that all of this bad somehow turned into something good when we opened KEEPERSKORNER as a charitable organization to help other multiples. But, mostly, I think keepers bow our heads in thanks that we were given a marriage based on love and perserverence so that we could walk into our 39 th year hand in hand as husband and wife.  John Michael and keepers look at each other and smile because we all know we made it in spite of the people who so freely predicted failure for our marriage from the onset.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Right now is an excruciatingly hard time for keepers.  In fact, we find ourselves sitting over coffee in the morning needing a reason to live through that particular day.  Feeling this way is culmination of the last year of keepers lives.  So many things have fallen apart for us and so many questions (that should have been answered ages ago) still have us in limbo.  In many ways, keepers feel a huge void where hope should be thriving inside of us.  As our son would say–IT SUCKS TO BE KEEPERS RIGHT NOW.

The above picture is the writing on the outside of an envelope that has adorned the top of keeper’s drafting table for the last six years.  That actual envelope is over thirty years old and was tucked away in keeper’s jewelry box for most of that time.  It contains two tiny little baby teeth that–those of our little girl so many years ago.  I still remember helping her write the words in bold black letters (she wanted to make sure the tooth fairy knew it was from her) before she tucked it safely under her pillow and climbed into bed for the night.

This envelope and it’s contents found a home on our drafting table because it has so many meanings to us.  This tiny piece of the past reminds keepers of how time passes with barely a notice.  This little bitty envelope reminds keepers to allow ourselves to feel our grief over having lost our daughter’s love.  This now fragile bit of paper is also the only actual part of our daughter that keepers still have with us.  But, more than anything, this old and worn envelope sits on our drafting table to remind keepers that life is SO INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS and the we are committed to living each and every day to the very best of our abilities–regardless of what is happening in our lives.   In fact, having this envelope and the two tiny teeth ever near us when we are in our studio is what always gives keepers a reason to live.

Keepers often wander around looking for a big reason to live.  We look to our art work for that reason and we look to KEEPERSKORNER for that reason.  We look to our John Michael for that reason to go on.  But the truth of the matter is that it is never the big things that make life worth the living–it is the million tiny little things that enable us to keep on keeping on no matter what is happening around us.

This tiny little piece of life that happened so many years ago will alway sit on top of our drafting table–in a place where it is the first thing to catch keepers eye.  It is there to always remind us that LIFE IS WORTH THE LIVING and that keepers are fully committed to going on in spite of everything.  I know how hard it is to understand how such a silly little envelope containing two baby teeth can matter so much to someone and can inspire life in so many ways.  I know how hard this is to understand because keepers can not even fully comprehend the importance of always having this piece of our motherhood right there where it can be seen.

For keepers, having a reason to live is never about the outside world.  That reason to live can only come from what stirs within our system.  Looking at this envelope each and every morning before we begin working somehow inspires keepers to go on living and to go on trying.  For us, that is enough of a reason to live.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Several years ago, keepers external son sent John Michael an email telling him that KEEPERS REALLY SHOULD HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER OUR ALTERS than we had at that time.  At the time, our sons words were devastating to all keepers.  He had lived in this house for a great many years and watched keepers fight and struggle to control and maintain our system in a manner that was suitable to each of our external children.  Yes, he saw us fail time and time again at trying to maintain that control but he also was seeing how very hard keepers were trying.  In all honesty, when he wrote these words to our John Michael, keepers very nearly gave up on everything.  We were so sure we had reached the end of the road.  But as time passed and keepers grew, we found that our son’s harsh judgments of us were little more that a turn on the path we had always followed.

Keepers are survivors of abuse.  Our abuse was quite severe and was repeated over the span of about twenty years.  Because of this, keepers came into adulthood feeling plagued by desperate needs we knew we had to fulfill for ourselves.  First and foremost, we wanted to make the hurt and shame and guilt go away.  In essence, keepers felt frantic to find ways to help us feel better.  For us, that meant we needed to be in control of our system and in control of our environment.  Obviously, keepers were not doing well at controlling either one in our lives.  If we had succeeded at controlling either one, our son would have never written those words to his father.   Still, his email brought keepers face to face with how we could be what our loves mandated keepers should be.

As keepers have aged, our vision of who and what we are has changed greatly.  We have learned many lessons that have altered our reality drastically.  One of these lessons was that keepers fighting to maintain control only caused our system to be more out of control.  The only other option keepers could see was releasing all control and letting a power far greater than ourselves take over for us.  To be honest, keepers saw this as the most frightening and difficult thing we could ever have to do.  After all, God had not stood by us when we were children and being harmed so badly which made it extremely difficult for us to place trust in God during our adulthood.  Still, we had no other choice because our trying to maintain control had never really accomplished anything good.

Shortly after our JM received our sons email back in 2001, keepers began trying to LET GO AND LET GOD.  In fact, those words became our mantra for a very long time.  Time and time again we would pause and all of us together would say the words LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD.  What keepers did not realize (on a conscious level) was that we were talking the talk without walking the walk.  Yes, we were saying the words to give God control over our lives.  But, then , without being aware of it we were telling God how to do what we needed done or making it clear what we wanted the outcome to be.  Keepers even sat in silence late at night and told God what a mistake He had made by doing this or that in our lives.  The truth of our LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD was that we trusted his Divine Power as long as God was doing things keepers was and according to our time table.  After a few months of our LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD mantra keepers had lost all trust in our Higher Power simply because things were not working out as we thought they should or would.

Then, Pastor Don Brown (Save Our World Ministries) told keepers that LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD really meant turning it over to our Higher Power without our putting even one single condition on what God would decide was best for us.  Nor could we put even a tiny little suggestion on how God should do things.  Pastor Brown told us that truly giving it to God meant doing just that and trusting God to take care of things from there.  He also told us that LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD meant keepers do not think or worry about it for even one second after it was turned over.

Following Pastor’s guidance on LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD was very difficult for keepers.  Our natural instincts had become staying in control even after we turned it over.  It is true the we did better with turning it over to our Higher Power once we began learning from Pastor but we were still far from truly LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD.  Our nature was to continually give God advice on how things should be done in terms of keepers.

Keepers had to learn that it really is Ok for us to feel anger at God at times.  Anger is our God given reaction to feeling pain or hurt in some way.  But what keepers were doing wrong was using our anger as a means of controlling God and getting Him to do what keepers thought was best.  Keepers had to learn how to say “God, keepers are really angry with you”and let it go at that.  Keepers had to learn that God cares if we are angry with Him but God is never controlled by that anger in any way.

Keepers also had to learn that it is ok to ask God for what we want and that we should be very specific in what we pray for.  But once we sit in prayer and ask for what it is we think we need or want, keepers have to let go of it and trust that God will provide for both our needs and our desires in the ways God deems best.  Keepers had to stop telling God how to give us what we pray for and even when to give it to us.

Keepers have come to see that we are not always the best judges of how things should be or when things should happen.  We base our needs and desires on how we are feeling in the moment and often forget the long term vision.  Keepers live a life where we are hard wired to protect ourselves from being hurt any more.  We live a life where keepers have always been too concerned about suiting other people and living up to human expectations which is not a good place to be for LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD.

Somewhere along the way, keepers did learn how to really LET GO AND LET GOD.  Yes, we still pray for what we want and we still share our anger with God.  Often, we write all of this down and drop it in God’s inbox here at KEEPERSKORNER.   Then we simply walk away and know that this or that is now in God’s Hands and something keepers no longer need to concern ourselves with.  It may be hours or days or months or even years until we go back to the Inbox and retrieve one of the papers placed there because God has given us our answer.  But keepers have learned to not worry about the time as it passes but to look at the date on the request when we remove it and give thanks for God’s timely response.

Keepers still live life from the standpoint of being survivors of severe abuse.  That is part of our essence and probably will never change.  But as keepers have learned to truly LET GO AND LET GOD we have gained the control we needed over our system;  we have found great happiness in many things we used to take for granted; we have found a true purpose in this world and we have come to peace with ourselfs.

What we have now is so much better than what keepers had when our system was fighting so hard to maintain control over our system and our environment without God’s Help.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Yesterday was a big day for both John Michael and keepers.  Every once in a while, the company that JM works for sells off their used furniture.  JM has been watching the website where their furniture is shown for the last few months now.  He had found a desk; a file cabinet and two executive chairs that would be perfect for our business office here at KKEEPERSKORNER.  The total of all this came to $40 which we considered very fair since the desk is solid wood and in excellent condition and the chairs are like new and the file cabinet is sturdy and in very good shape.  So, anyway, yesterday was the day we were assigned to pick up our purchase.  So, we rented a U Haul pick up truck and headed off to the warehouse which had our items waiting for us.

At the warehouse, two very hefty and muscular men were trying to put the items in our truck.  The 102 degree temperature was making things difficult for them but so was the massive weight of the desk and the awkwardness of the file cabinet.  Both JM and keepers knew we were going to have difficulties moving these things all by ourselves once we arrived back here at KKEEPERSKORNER.  But we figured the two of us could handle it because JM has muscles and is quite strong while keepers have been working out for a long time and are in pretty decent muscular shape now.  However, upon arriving back at the studio, we discovered that even working together JM and keepers could not make that gigantic and heavy desk even budge.

Catty-corner across the street from KEEPERSKORNER lives a family that has been our neighbors for a great many years.  It is a very nice family with two grown sons.  I think both sons are in their early twenties.  In fact, keepers external children all babysat for the two boys from the time they were babies and as they made their way through childhood.  So, basically, keepers have known these two boy the whole of their lives.  However, our relationship has always consisted of waving as we pass each other on the street or yelling hello from one yard to the other.

Well, the youngest of these young men suddenly appeared in our front yard when he saw the trouble we were having trying to unload the furniture from the U Haul.  A (the young man) asked our JM if he could help unload the truck.  Our JM just stood there and shook his head yes.  Keepers climbed down off the truck and A climbed up and the moving was begun. Even A (with all of his young muscles) had trouble with the weight of that desk but they finally got it into KK and had it set in no time once it was inside.

After getting this furniture inside, John and Keepers went to buy a small freezer for our kitchen.  Again, a rather hefty item for JM and keepers to move all by ourselves.  Again, A made his way over and helped JM with the unloading and moving of the freezer.

Yesterday was not the first time this young man who are neighbors of ours have come to the aid of JM and keepers .  He was the person who helped out the night that our dear Shakespeare (our dog of 18 years) passed away.  Come to think of it, A seems to appear whenever JM and keepers need assistance with one thing or another.

A. is a young man who is making a huge difference in the lives of JM and keepers.  I think he must have noticed that his old babysitters are never around to help us with anything so he has taken it upon himself to come to our aid when necessary.  A. is a busy young man who works and attends college and has a busy social life but he always takes time to offer us a helping hand and he always treat JM and keepers with kindness and respect.

Sometimes, keepers sit here in our studio and begin thinking about how alone JM and keepers are in this world.  In some way, that perception is very accurate but in other ways it could not be more wrong.  Even people like A. care enough to show kindness and to understand how very much both JM and keepers appreciate all that he does for us.

Thank you A. for your help yesterday.  You, truly, are a young man who is making a real difference to people like us.

Keepers will post pictures of KEEPERSKORNER’s business office soon–after we get is set up just the way we want it.

peace and blessings,

keepers