A DIFFICULT BLOGGING DAY July 25, 2007
Posted by kprsjohn in Uncategorized.trackback
today is a difficult blogging day for keepers. Not because we have nothing to say but because we have so much to say and no idea how to say it. You see, in the last twenty four hours, something has happened that has triggered keepers. No, our system was not thrown into an actual abreaction. That seldom happens to us any more. Instead, old feelings were brought back to the surface and keepers have found ourselves trying to cope with upset stomachs and intense anxiety without having the courage to explain to anyone what is happening. In a very real way, keepers are very embarrassed because all of this is going on simply because we have been presented with having to deal, briefly, with a woman who has a particular first name. Keepers are, actually, spending today trying to sort out what is happening and attempting to deal with our feelings so we can handle the upcoming situation with grace and dignity.
Just thinking about this particular first name sets off all of keepers alarm systems and sends us into readiness mode. You see, it was the first name of keepers birth mother and it was the first name of the therapist who diagnosed our multiplicity. Neither relationship holds even one positive memory for keepers. In fact, keepers felt so judged and threatened and even sold out by both of these women that just hearing the name throws keepers into a readiness that we would much prefer to never have to experience again. Still, here we are–trying hard to cope and face dealing with that name associated with a woman again when we have no idea how to do either one.
Simply hearing this first name predisposes keepers to feeling like we are the bad ones and that we have done something wrong. It brings out our deepest hurts and magnifies our deepest fears. The very name alone makes keepers feel weak and powerless and at the mercy of something horrible. It’s very sound causes our little keepers to run deep inside and hide from ever having to hear its echo ever again. You see, this name has the ability to resound within our system much like a bell ringing in a tower. We hear that name and it automatically feels like someone sucked all of the oxygen out of the air and like nothing about this body has the strength to move in any way. Needless to say, this is an experience that no keeper can adequately deal with.
Still, keepers know that we have to get this under control so that we can move on with our work here at KEEPERSKORNER. We need to be vigilant with our yoga–threading it throughout our days so that the blood in this body keeps flowing. We need to fill the air with the scent of vanilla because that will calm us as it is far away from any memory concerning this name. We need to focus on things that keepers know we are capable of doing–like writing our blog for today. We need to focus on the body inhaling and exhaling normally in order to keep ourselves from slipping back into panic breathing. We need to constantly remind each other that there is absolutely nothing for keepers to fear in today.
Keepers know that it is downright ridiculous for the sound of a woman’s name to throw us into such a state. Yet, that name has such awful connotations for all of us and it does not feel silly to sit here wondering what awful experience that name is about to bring us. Only by acknowledging our fear of that name can keepers deal with it and stay one step ahead of it overwhelming us. Only by working with the pain this name causes our system can we stay in control of how badly we feel. Only by respecting our own limitations with women who bear this name can we move beyond them. To us, this feels like a gigantic undertaking. To us, it also feels like an undertaking we must face head on.
For keepers, this world has always been a place where triggers are like land mines that we step on before we realize it. Once set off, all keepers can do is try to cope with the fallout and make every effort to stay on track. This is where keepers are today. Writing a blog on a day when it is difficult. Moving from moment to moment while trying to soothe what this name causes. And telling ourselves that this too shall pass which we hope it does quite soon.
Also, keepers are beating up on ourselves for allowing something as silly as someone first name to throw us into such a tizzy.
peace and blessings,
keepers
we also have the same problem with some names and we understadn this so well takes good care fo yourselves and as you sid it wil pass.
I don’t think it’s silly at all Keepers. I think it’s very understandable. What I would do is keep reminding yourselves that this is a whole different person from the others. That just because the name is the same doesn’t make the person the same. I would do this over and over. You have all my support and the support of many others.
it’s not silly it makes perfect since.. if you don’t stop beating yourself up im gonna come over there and tickle you silly so you laugh so hard you forget to beat yourself up over a perfectly sensible trigger. for real dude
you have had to many people put you down over the years you do not need to follow int here foot steps for having a perfectly reasonable experience.
hugs
that last word was supposed to be
response
ie
you have had to many people put you down over the years you do not need to foll in there foot steps for having a perfectly reasonable response to a painful memory
naner naner
Hi Keepers,
There’s no need to justify your response to a name which surely has nothing but evil, hurtful connotations for you.
A few years ago I was wondering aloud what one of my alter’s name was. My friend, thinking to be helpful, suggested a name. I could hardly believe my vehement response. As far as I know I’ve never known anyone by that name, yet when it comes up I just want to hit the roof.
You’ve been so abused, as Shade pointed out, that your response makes sense. Not responding to that name wouldn’t make sense!
Take care,
Beauty
Dear JIP
Seems most multiples do this doesn’t it? I guess we are in good company!!
thanks for reminding us we are not alone in this either
peace and blessings
keepers
Dear Shade
you will have to find the ticklish keepers first!!! but just in case we will try harder to do as you said!
peace and blessings
keepers
Dear Beauty
thank you for being so understanding also, when things like this happen we forget we are not unjustified in how we react, thank all of you for telling us that!
peace and blessings
keepers
lol when will we learn to type lol
I don’t think it’s silly. I get very triggered by names as well. I think it’s become almost hard-wired, like a sound or a smell. It’s very difficult to push it aside. I think you are handling it well…as well as can be expected.
Hey, I “put up” a post answering your questions about hosting a blog carnival, but Blogger is messing up again and my last post of 7/25 just keeps appearing, so I guess Blogger will get it up there when it’s good and ready.
we totally understand keepers.. we are thrown also by names.. specially when it comes to the same name as our birth mother.. just hearing or someone having the same name as it throws us off also.. so we can totally relate to this..
((((((((((((keepers))))))))))))))))
K n all (Dreaming2Fly)
John and keepers,
I pray its not my name causing the pain. I am now beside myself for I never use my 1st name on nothing. . I always go by Katie. I have sent you e-mails and messages on yahoo praying you all are ok with no response. Please please give all my love. . I love you all so much hon.
Dear Katie
no it isn’t your name!! and we hope we didn’t make anyone else go through this fear!! john is looking in his emails and messages on yahoo and will send you information about what he finds! We have been very worried about you since you hadn’t blogged in over 2 weeks and with your heart problems we were getting very concerned. how is your health? please let us know when you can.
peace and blessings
keepers
Dear Marj
just another symptom of being multiples we guess, names that trigger us, scenes, words, tones, you name it. different triggers for different alters, different systems,
peace and blessings
keepers
Dear Kat n all
sorry to hear that names trigger you also! we have said this before, it is quite amazing how often the mothers and their names invoke such terrible and horrific reactions in multiples.
peace and blessings
((((kat n all))))
keepers