It has been well over 6 years since keepers filed our complaint against our former therapist with our state licensing board.  In less than two weeks, it will have been eight months since we testified in court against our former therapist.  For our internal bigs and teens and even our littles–it was a red letter day when we sat there and listened to judge find our former therapist GUILTY on five counts in our case against him.  He was found guilty of gross neglect in his acting as our therapist of record.  He was found guilty of establishing inappropriate boundaries in our therapeutic situation.  He was found guilty of  continually being counterproductive in our therapy (this means that in the 17 years he was our therapist of record) he did nothing but harm keepers.  I do not remember the actual legal term for this but he was also found guilty of sabotaging keepers healing and making every effort he could to keep keepers sick.  The fifth count on which they found him guilty is not one keepers really understand so all we can say is the our former therapist was convicted of charges of non professional behaviors in his treatment of us.  To be honest, it felt very good for keepers to sit in a courtroom and hear the testimonies of experts on MPD/DID testify to the harm this man had done to keepers.  But, it felt even better to hear the judge declare that our former therapist was guilty on five different counts.

Now, to be honest, our former therapist was supposed to be in court for the hearing.  However, he chose to not even make an appearance.  You see, he had hired two different lawyers over the course of five years (while our complaint was being investigated and our case was considered ongoing).  I have been told that both of these lawyers said to our former therapist that he had absolutely no chance of winning in our case and that he should plea bargain with the state Attorney General.  It speaks clearly of this man’s ego that he, then, took on being his own lawyer and refused to come to an agreement with the AG’s office.  But all that really matters is that our former therapist failed to show up in court the day of our hearing which did not look good for him in any way.

It has now been 4 long months since the judge has handed her decision on disciplinary action down against our former therapist.  We were told that keepers would know the judge’s decision shortly after it was handed down.  Somehow, everyone forgot to mention that there was yet another lengthy step to be taken before the judge’s sentencing would be released to us. The case and the judges sentencing would now move to being handled by the State Administrative Hearing Commission.  In late March, keepers were told we would hear on this by mid June and then we were told we would hear in early July.  The reason for this delay is that the state office now working with our case has such a back log that it is taking a long time to get to it.  Anyway, we are now heading into August and keepers still have no word on the disciplinary action being taken against our former therapist.  Our state Adminstrative Hearing Commission (AHC, for short)  has taken this lengthy and slow process and added even more time to keepers waiting which is something we are finding it difficult to be thankful for.

About a month ago, keepers were given a link to the AHC site which would enable keepers to visit and follow the progress of our case at this point.  However, that site has not been updated at all since early May so the link is actually useless to keepers.  Still, we check every day to see if something has been put up about our case against our former therapist.  It is frustrating for keepers to know that it has been such a long time and this complaint we made so long ago has still not come to full conclusion.

In today, keepers look back and remember the 6 different therapists who encouraged us file our complaint so long ago.  They were peers to our former therapist and yet told keepers this man is a true sociopath.  Then, we look back and remember our case manager from our insurance company telling keepers (more than once) to be very careful because our former therapist would do anything to harm keepers.  We look back and remember how this former therapist continued contacting keepers for over five years after we left him.  He did not leave us alone until the AG showed him records they had of his every contact with keepers after he was no longer our therapist of record.

Emotionally, the last six years have been so very long and difficult in terms of our case against him.  Still, keepers went into this knowing that it would be a very long and slow process with many ups and downs.  True, we had no idea how long it would turn out to be and we had no idea what a roller coaster ride our former therapist would keep us on while all of this was unfolding.  But, keepers made the commitment to see our complaint through which we have done.  Now, we just have to be patient while the state makes this slow process longer than we think it needs to be.

When something comes in letting keepers know the final disciplinary action taken against our former therapist we will find pleasure in posting it here on the blog to bring final closure to this saga that often feels like it is going no where.  We hope word will come soon so that keepers can finally lay this part of our lives to rest.

peace and blessings,

keepers

**ONE ROSE GIVEN IN LOVE MATTERS MORE THAN ROOMFULS GIVEN OUT OF DUTY**  Joan Walsh Anglund
This morning, keepers went to check our snail mail with dread in our hearts.  Sometimes, we get just plain old tired of pulling bill after bill out of our mail box.  We had no reason to think today would be any different than any other day on this matter.  However, when we reached in and pulled out to pile of circulars and envelopes,  we found a green one addressed to our birth name and with a return address that let us know this piece of mail was sent by keeper’s youngest brother.  Tears came to our eyes as we opened the envelope and found a birthday card inside that this little brother had sent to his big sister.  For a few moments, our tears flowed freely because this simple act of kindness from someone in our family touched keepers hearts very very deeply.

You see, keepers have celebrated 58 birthdays on this earth.  Mostly, this day has always passed without notice. I think the body was ten when keepers realized that no one was the least bit glad that we had ever been born.  In childhood, the excuses to ignore our birthday were numerous.  One year, we were not allowed a birthday because we had gone to the show the week before.  Another year, we were too poor to afford a cake mix.  Another year mama walked out on papa the morning of our birthday.  Each year has its own story of why keepers birthday meant nothing in our family. In our adult years, the story has been much the same.  Of course, our John Michael always makes the effort to give our littles a special day in some way.  But he truly is the only one who even notices when our birthday comes around.  We never receive even a card from our external children.  And I doubt if our other siblins even remember the date of keepers birth.  So birthdays are not a favorite of keepers in any way.  They are always days that hurt totally because they are huge reminders of how little keepers matter.

Still, keepers know our little brother very well.  He is an extremely busy man with a life too full of him taking care of others.  That makes this simple greeting card sent by snail mail even more special to everyone in our system.  It meant that this sibling who lives half way across the country took a moment to look for a card and to sign it and then took the time to mail it.  The funny thing about our little brother (who is in his early fifties now) is that keepers know he took the time and made the effort out of love and not out of duty in any way.  So, this simple little birthday card made its way into keepers hearts where we will treasure the memory of getting it for forever. And the truth is that keepers feel a little better about our upcoming birthday because our little brother cared enough to remember this year.

Keepers do know that a birthday card is a simple little thing that most people take for granted when it comes.  But, to those in our system, this card was the single rose JWA spoke of in her quote above–with one very special difference–this rose came as a card which means it will never wilt or fade away which means keepers can take it out and remember today for the rest of our lives.  It means so much to us because our brother sent it out of love and because of the childhood bonds that he and keepers will always share.  It was a kindness that no keeper will ever forget and it does not matter to us how silly that seems to others.

Keepers never wanted much on our birthdays.  We never did want to have parties like the ones we gave our external children.  Nor did we want an over fifty party like our John Michael had when he reached that milestone.  But, keepers would have given anything if people who should remember our birthday could have taken the time over the years to pause and just simply let us know they remember.  It was a few years ago that keepers knew any remembrance we received would have been out of obligation and without any love attached so it is better that they not remember but it still hurts when this day rolls around for keepers.  It has been a painful yet important lesson for keepers to learn to not even want what comes solely out of obligation.

Keepers want to thank our littlest brother for taking the time to send this card and for signing it with love.  His efforts touched our hearts deeply and changed the face of this particular birthday for all of us.  It means so much to all of us that he love us enough to remember and send this single rose that matters so much more to keepers than roomfuls sent out of duty.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Here at Keeperskorner , today is such a special day because we can announce that updates have been made to our site.

There is a new article up in our DID/MPD section, it was written by our fear friend Jumpinginpuddles who consented to letting us present it on our website.  Thank you JIP!

Also, our CHARITABLE SERVICES PAGE has been redone. It now includes Remember Bracelets by keepers little friend Sarah.  We really like the bracelets and we think you will also.  These too are free for the asking, they are reminders to remember some of those good things we all forget sometimes.  To Sarah we say Thank You!

To the Guest Gallery we want to thank Elizaworks for the new artwork there and also to Marj aka thriver and Jumpinginpuddles for the poetry they sent in to share!!

Please take the time to visit there and enjoy what they all bring to each of us to share.

Orders can be sent in via email or the contact us tab or by calling the toll free number, 1-888-752-9070.

Peace and blessings to all

Keepers

Keeperskorner

Remember Bracelets

today is a difficult blogging day for keepers.  Not because we have nothing to say but because we have so much to say and no idea how to say it.  You see, in the last twenty four hours, something has happened that has triggered keepers.  No, our system was not thrown into an actual abreaction.  That seldom happens to us any more.  Instead, old feelings were brought back to the surface and keepers have found ourselves trying to cope with upset stomachs and intense anxiety without having the courage to explain to anyone what is happening.  In a very real way, keepers are very embarrassed because all of this is going on simply because we have been presented with having to deal, briefly, with a woman who has a particular first name.  Keepers are, actually, spending today trying to sort out what is happening and attempting to deal with our feelings so we can handle the upcoming situation with grace and dignity.

Just thinking about this particular first name sets off all of keepers alarm systems and sends us into readiness mode.  You see, it was the first name of keepers birth mother and it was the first name of the therapist who diagnosed our multiplicity.  Neither relationship holds even one positive memory for keepers.  In fact, keepers felt so judged and threatened and even sold out by both of these women that just hearing the name throws keepers into a readiness that we would much prefer to never have to experience again. Still, here we are–trying hard to cope and face dealing with that name associated with a woman again when we have no idea how to do either one.

Simply hearing this first name predisposes keepers to feeling like we are the bad ones and that we have done something wrong.  It brings out our deepest hurts and magnifies our deepest fears.  The very name alone makes keepers feel weak and powerless and at the mercy of something horrible.  It’s very sound causes our little keepers to run deep inside and hide from ever having to hear its echo ever again.  You see, this name has the ability to resound within our system much like a bell ringing in a tower.  We hear that name and it automatically feels like someone sucked all of the oxygen out of the air and like nothing about this body has the strength to move in any way.  Needless to say, this is an experience that no keeper can adequately deal with.

Still, keepers know that we have to get this under control so that we can move on with our work here at KEEPERSKORNER.  We need to be vigilant with our yoga–threading it throughout our days so that the blood in this body keeps flowing.  We need to fill the air with the scent of vanilla because that will calm us as it is far away from any memory concerning this name.  We need to focus on things that keepers know we are capable of doing–like writing our blog for today.  We need to focus on the body inhaling and exhaling normally in order to keep ourselves from slipping back into panic breathing.  We need to constantly remind each other that there is absolutely nothing for keepers to fear in today.

Keepers know that it is downright ridiculous for the sound of a woman’s name to throw us into such a state.  Yet, that name has such awful connotations for all of us and it does not feel silly to sit here wondering what awful experience that name is about to bring us.  Only by acknowledging our fear of that name can keepers deal with it and stay one step ahead of it overwhelming us.  Only by working with the pain this name causes our system can we stay in control of how badly we feel.  Only by respecting our own limitations with women who bear this name can we move beyond them.  To us, this feels like a gigantic undertaking.  To us, it also feels like an undertaking we must face head on.

For keepers, this world has always been a place where triggers are like land mines that we step on before we realize it.  Once set off, all keepers can do is try to cope with the fallout and make every effort to stay on track.  This is where keepers are today.  Writing a blog on a day when it is difficult.  Moving from moment to moment while trying to soothe what this name causes.  And telling ourselves that this too shall pass which we hope it does quite soon.

Also, keepers are beating up on ourselves for allowing something as silly as someone first name to throw us into such a tizzy.

peace and blessings,

keepers

**This blog is dedicated to B–who is on her own quest for truth**

Keepers grew up in a very dishonest world where family members lied to us and made our own perceptions seem like little more than illusions that we had simply dreamed. We grew up in a family where it was never safe to question anything and it was best to accept lies as facts. Then, keepers spent 17 years working with and trusting a therapist who constantly told us that we needed to trust his perceptions because ours were always way off. In those 17 years, keepers never knew what the truth was and lost all sense of any keepers having a good, working mind. Then, keepers add to that the multitude of people in our lives that lie to get what they want simply because it is easier than dealing in truth. And keepers have dealt with both an internet predator and an attacker against KEEPERSKORNER who presented themselves as one thing when the truth was that they were something totally different. Then, there have been the times when keepers knew, full well, that others around us had the truth yet remained completely unwilling to share that with us.

Keepers life experiences have taught us that our system needs to deal in truth at all times. We do know that some truths are excruciatingly painful to handle but, even at that, the truth is easier to cope with than lies or illusions. Keepers know the damage that can be done to our system by someone withholding the truth from us or just plain out and out lying to us. Only by staying within the realm of truth can keepers remain strong and continue to thrive so truth is what keepers go to great lengths to find.

Keepers have always lived a rather reclusive and withdrawn life. This way of life started for us when the body was 4 years old and we were confined within our Nana’s home taking care of her as she passed away. Back then, days or even weeks would pass with keepers locked up in a house with doors closed and shades drawn and not much contact with anyone. We would play on the floor and watch over our Nana. This was a part of life for keepers until this body was 11 years old. What this way of life did was keep keepers out of school a great deal and kept us from learning to socialize much so a reclusive way of life seemed the natural thing for us to develop.

Instead of the abuse of our childhood making keepers less trusting and more wise about the ways of the world, keepers came into adulthood being very naiive and always trying to believe that this is the one time we can trust. With out former therapist, keepers always took him at his word and were always shocked when it turned he was only lying to us or using us. With our internet predator, keepers believed it was a good kind person reaching out to us and we were very thrown to learn how untrue that was. With our attacker, keepers tried desperately to look beyond the attacks and find the daughter we had always loved so dearly. We were very thrown to learn that this person was only using the identity of our daughter to bring greater harm to our system of alters.

Over the years, keepers have learned that knowing the truth is our responsibility. There is not one person on this earth who has consistently given keepers truth so we have learned to set out and seek it on our own. We have discovered that almost anything leaves some kind of trail. There are things like deathbed confessions that people want to keep silent but talk about in lengthy, relaxed conversations. Former teachers have huge pieces of the puzzle that come to light over coffee. Former pediatricians have even more pieces that come to light when the time is right. When reporting someone to DCFS, one may discover that there is already a long list of complaints that have been filed over the years. When filing a complaint with the licensing bureau–one may discover that the authorities may have been working on taking away this particular license for a long time. Each one of these steps adds to the trail that has been left and helps keepers put together the real truth of situations.

Keepers are very naiive about what is said to us. We tend to take it to heart and believe that it is based on truth. However, so many times we have discovered that our trust was being badly betrayed. That is why we have learned to take the written word to people who have more knowledge about interpreting what is there on paper. For example, what one person presented to us as misspellings stemming from dyslexia turned out to be something very different and very harmful. Another person came at keepers saying, initially, how proud this person was of keepers only to turn innuendos and statements that made no sense to anyone in our system. Through our eyes, keepers were left feeling frightened and confused. Through the eyes of experts interpreting that same words, keepers came to understand the truth of what was happening.

For keepers, trust is an extremely difficult thing to maintain. When someone comes to us0–giving us only part of the truth and telling us that we do not need to know the rest–keepers go on high alert for our being controlled and manipulated. When someone admits he or she has the truth but will not reveal it to us simply because the time is not convenient for him or her–keepers move into the mode of knowing what is best for our system is very low priority for that person. When anyone is talking to keepers about the truth and says TRUST ME, keepers know the chances are we are being had in some way.

For keepers, it is only harmful for us to try and deal with lies or illusions. Doing that brings back feelings from our childhood. Realizing that we are being lied to or put off only destroys our trust. These things destroy keepers sense of safety and of being able to function appropriately in this life. We see it as a cruel act to keep the truth from keepers if it is known by anyone we trust.

Because of our background, keepers have a huge need to deal only in truth. Often, our reality is that we have to go to great lengths and take huge risks to find out what the truth is. We have come to the decision that it is always keepers responsibility to gather the pieces of truth and then put them together like a puzzle with interlocking pieces. To date, keepers have always been glad that we went to the great lengths and took the risks needed to find the truth.

For keepers, having the truth is of the utmost importance.  Giving keepers the truth when others discover it shows trust in our system.  Taking the time to help our various alters process the truth shows caring about keepers as people.  But giving us the the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is what keepers need and want from those who know us.

peace and blessings,

keepers

**Listen to the MUSTN’TS, child. Listen to the DON’TS. Listen to the SHOULDN’TS,. the IMPOSSIBLES, the WON’TS. Listen to the NEVER HAVES. Then, listen close to me–Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.**Shel Silverstein

During childhood, keepers listened (attentively) to each and every MUSTN’T and DON’T and SHOULDN’T. We took to heart each and every IMPOSSIBLE AND WON’T. Our future was predetermined by the NEVER HAVES that were heaped upon us long before we could think for ourselves. You see, keepers accepted (without question) the truth of these words simply because they were our childhood teachings. Each one of us was much too young to see and know the actual brainwashing that was contained in each individual prophecy set forth by these words as they were repeated to us time and time again over the span of a great many years.

The brainwashing of keepers went something like this. Mommy says keepers MUSTN’T be prissy or act in girlish ways. Daddy says we MUSTN’T try to think for ourselves. Grandpa says keepers MUSTN’T run and laugh and play like other children do. Nana says we MUSTN’T make a bit of noise. But, mostly, Uncles say that keepers MUSTN’T ever tell. Mommy says keepers, DON’T ever think you are as good as your brothers. Daddy says, keepers DON’T expect caring or respect in this world. Grandpa says keepers DON’T giggle or put on airs. Grandma says keepers, DON’T tell me your tales of woe. But, mostly, the uncles say keepers DON’T ever let anyone know. Mommy says, keepers SHOULDN’T have a Barbie Doll. Daddy says keepers SHOULDN’T ever ask for help. Grandpa says keepers SHOULDN’T cry tears like real children do. Nana says keepers SHOULDN’T be immature. But, mostly, the uncles say keepers SHOULDN’T whine and whimper. Mommy says it is IMPOSSIBLE for keepers to learn. Daddy says it is IMPOSSIBLE for keepers the act like little ladies. Grandpa says it is IMPOSSIBLE for keepers to learn responsibility. Grandma says it is IMPOSSIBLE for keepers to be as good as our brothers. But, mostly, the Uncles say it is IMPOSSIBLE for keepers to tell the truth. Mommy says keepers WON’T ever amount to anything. Daddy says keepers WON’T ever be ladies. Grandpa says that keepers WON’T ever be as smart as our siblings. Grandma says keepers WON’T ever be mature. But, mostly, the UNCLES say that keepers WON’T ever be free. Mommy says that keepers will NEVER HAVE the brains of a bag of rocks. Daddy says that keepers will NEVER HAVE a life worth living. Grandpa says that keepers WILL NEVER have the fancy house. Nana says that keepers will NEVER HAVE a chance in this world. But, mostly, the uncles say that keepers will NEVER HAVE any proof. The truth of the matter is that keepers did listen closely as our future was laid out by the words of those who brought us into this world. Keepers listened and we learned and we believed and we allowed our lives to be shaped by all the MUSTN’TS; DON’TS; SHOULDN’TS; IMPOSSIBLES; WON’TS and NEVER HAVES. In fact, keepers took our childhood teachings so much to heart that we carried them with us well into adulthood–completely accepting that we had been cast into a life of nothingness.

Along the way through our adult years, Nana passed away and Grandpa followed. Grandma left this earth and Mommy was not far behind. Daddy was gone as well and the Uncles died off one by one. Slowly but surely, their MUSTN’TS didn’t seem to matter so much any more. Their DON’TS lost the power they once had over keepers. Their SHOULDN’TS seemed much less important. Their IMPOSSIBLES came into the light and keepers saw them for what they really were. Their WON’TS became nothing more than idle words from people who never understood. But, mostly, the NEVER HAVES showed their true colors and were laid to rest.

Keepers move forward knowing that these childhood brainwashings still exist in those who bequeathed them to us. Letting go of these teachings is a lifelong process. Some days keepers do well and move ahead. Other days, keepers remember what we were taught and buy back into the life that was predestined for us. Most of the time, it is–truly– a matter of keepers taking five steps forward and three steps back and then four more steps forward and so on and so forth. But the progress keepers have made shows in the fact that we believe in ourselves enough to be doing KEEPERSKORNER and the fact that keepers now stand straight and tall against the world.

What keepers know is that Shel Silverstein had a profound message when he wrote this poem. Keepers needed to listen to the voice that keeps on telling us ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. ANYTHING CAN BE. Who would have thought that voice would be coming from within our own system of alters? Who would have ever thought that keepers will to grow and thrive could have been strong enough to negate the brainwashings of our own childhood?

peace and blessings,

keepers

It was back in 1999 that we went live with our first edition of KEEPERSKORNER. From the beginning, keepers have wanted to put up an article on the subject of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE. However, keepers have known that we are far from experts on the subject of love so we chose to pass writing this article off to someone with much more experience and wisdom than keepers. First, we approached a good friend of ours who happened to work in the mental health field. We thought this would be a good article for her to write. She accepted our invitation with enthusiasm as soon as she had time but the article never came about. Then, keepers asked a minister who has been a good friend for years to share her musings on the subject of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE. Again, she was excited to be asked to write this but the actual article never came about. Then, keepers asked another minister to write the article. We got the same results as with the other two and decided to let go of having someone who knows about LOVE write this article. Still, for some reason, having an article entitled THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is very important to all keepers. So, here we are–setting out to write it ourselves.

The truth is that keepers know very little about LOVE. We did not grow up in a LOVING world at all. In today, love still seems to escape keepers in a multitude of ways. But keepers have always said that we have been blessed because we have been part of one of the greatest love stories ever told. All keepers love our John Michael deeply and we know he loves us with the same depth and caring. So, keepers do know a little bit about love. If we can tap into that minimal knowledge and understanding, perhaps keepers can make a worthwhile statement on the HEALING POWER OF LOVE.

Several years ago, keepers were in a therapy session with a well thought of therapist who had absolutely no experience with multiplicity. This particular afternoon, we were discussing how keepers could be of help to our daughter who suffers from eating disorders. Early on in this session, this therapist told keepers that no one could really help our daughter–not even her mother. He went on to say that this is a battle our daughter would have to fight all alone–just as every other client has to do. For keepers, this statement was a huge point of contention and one that we struggled with for a long time. –even after our fourth and final session with this therapist.

From experience, all keepers know what a healing experience it is to work with a good therapist. We know the importance of this in dealing with our own multiplicity and in being the mother of someone with major eating disorder issues. Keepers know, full well, that having a quality relationship with one’s own therapist is vital to the healing process. But keepers found that our multiplicity existed in the two or three hours of therapy we had each week AND it also existed in the the other 168 hours of the week when we were out here in the real world. So, eventually, keepers came to the conclusion that therapy–alone–was no where near enough to heal our system of alters. Also, we saw that therapy alone was no where near enough to heal our daughters problems in life.

Since keepers came into adulthood with a history of severe abuse and a mind that our external children labeled as shattered, we were not very good at having relationships. Keepers were hard wired to expect being hurt or abandoned or betrayed by anyone we loved or trusted. We focused on those who left keepers feeling this way so that we could protect ourselves from ever having to hurt like that again. Our focus on this was so strong that keepers neglected to see the people who were treating us with LOVE and were going out of their ways to help keepers stay safe. It was only as keepers could lessen our focus on those who brought us so much pain that we could actually see how many people around us were giving keepers THE HEALING POWER OF THEIR LOVE.

For nearly fifty years, the most crippling thing for keepers was our aloneness on this earth. We had dealt with therapists who told keepers that we were the only multiples who felt this way or did those things. Whenever keepers were having problems our own son would look us dead in the eye and say IT REALLY SUCKS TO BE KEEPERS. For a great many years, the only truth keepers knew was that we were all alone with both our multiplicity and our painful abreactions. For each one of these years when keepers were so consumed with aloneness, we actually did very little healing. Regardless of how hard we tried, making progress of any kind was, virtually, impossible for our system.

It was only after we had left our former therapist that keepers had the epiphany of realizing that we are not alone on earth as we journey forward. Our John Michael has always been right there–patiently waiting for keepers to be healthy enough to accept his love and caring. Once keepers were able to do that, a few other people who really treat keepers with love came to forefront and reached out caring hands to everyone in our system. Some of these people existed in our actual world. Others came to us through cyber space but it matters not how these people are in keepers lives. The only thing that matters is that their love has had INCREDIBLE HEALING POWER for all keepers.

For our system, it was never enough that love was coming in to us. We found it just as important that love was going out to others from within our system. Keepers have learned that one without the other is not giving us the full benefit of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE. If keepers only have LOVE coming in to us without our replenishing the LOVING SPIRIT–we see ourselves as nothing more than takers and that is not a place keepers ever want to be. If keepers are only giving LOVE without anyone every stopping to replenish our LOVING SPIRIT then we come to see ourselves as fools because we have allowed that good and caring part of us to be depleted and even overdrawn which causes our system to shut down from feeling our aloneness once more. In essence, keepers have learned how wonderful it is go be the person who cares so much about others AND we have, also, learned how wonderful it feels to have others care so much about us. Somewhere in those words is THE TRUE HEALING POWER OF LOVE.

Since keepers grew up learning nothing about love from those who raised us, our experiences with love have always been a balancing act. We walk the tightrope of having loving relationships and find happiness in sharing love with others. But, for us, when someone leaves keepers feeling abandoned or tricked or betrayed or even attacked in any way, keepers tend to shut down all love going in and out of us. I can not explain the whys and wherefores of this except to say our emotional pain is so great at those times that keepers fully believe we will never deal in LOVE again. Still, somehow, time heals those wounds and keepers find ourselves LOVING even more fully than ever before as we come out of our wounded spirits.

Someone once said that loving is not always easy but it is always worth it. Keepers know all too well how difficult and painful it is to take a chance on LOVING or even in BEING LOVED. There are so many pitfalls and so many ways we can get hurt. But each and every time keepers have had any relationship based on real, true, mutual love–the risks and the effort has turned out to be well worth it.

It is very true that there is tremendous healing power in the therapeutic situation. That is why therapy exists as it does in today. But it is also very true that there is tremendous HEALING POWER IN LOVING AND BEING LOVED. For keepers, it has taken both of these healing powers to make our journey to a better place possible for those who live in our system of alters.

peace and blessings

keepers

This afternoon, one of keeper’s relatives contacted us with a request that we place a call to our brother (the one with the alcohol addiction and is in a program to help him begin some sort of recovery). Like a dutiful big sister, Ellen (one of our alters) agreed to make the call at the allotted time. Almost immediately, our system became overwhelmed with feeling of fear and trepidation. And, John Michael mood was seriously altered when he realized that this call would actually be made. John Michael and keepers waited out the afternoon until 5:30 rolled around. Then, Ellen went to the phone and dialed the number on the post it note where she had jotted it down. On the other end of the line was keeper’s little brother–who is now in his fifties. The question he put before us was COULD HE MOVE BACK IN HERE AT KEEPERSKORNER and live for a while because the program he is in does not suit his needs. As he put this dreaded request before us, keepers could feel our stomach begin to turn and our knees begin to knock together. We knew that keepers could not say no to one of our siblings. For that reason alone, keepers told our brother we would talk it over with our John Michael and let him know our decision later this evening. After hanging up, the first thing keepers did was make two phone calls to our experts on alcoholism (both of whom know our brother’s story well). Each of these two people told keepers that it is best for everyone if we tell our brother NO and either allow someone else to rescue him or force him to remain in the program that was chosen for his recovery. Then, after a long talk with our John Michael, the decision was made to tell our brother he could not move back in here and that JM would be the one to place the call telling him that.

The truth is that there are 6 different people on this earth that keepers have always had trouble saying NO to. Not because we feared these people would not love keepers. We already knew that not one of them felt an ounce of caring for any keeper but we still felt like keepers needed to live up to our responsibility to them in spite of that fact. These are people that keepers have been taking care of for the whole of our lives. So much so that each one of these people fully expects keepers to twist and turn ourselves to satisfy their every whim. But each one, also, turns right back to treating keepers like garbage once he/she has gotten what is being asked of keepers.

To keepers, being big sister meant that it was up to us to always do the giving and the caring for our siblings. And, being mom meant that it was our responsibility to please and to give without ever asking for anything in return. In fact, it was only to satisfy a demand made by our youngest daughter that the door was ever opened on allowing our siblings back into our lives. Keepers knew it was the wrong thing to do. That is why our siblings had been out of our lives for the last twenty years. But–when our daughter told keepers how much it would mean to her to have her estranged aunt and uncles in attendance at her wedding–keepers opened the door on those relationships and tried our best to give her what she wanted so badly.

Actually, tonight begins a new era for all keepers. It begins the time in our lives when keepers know and understand that it really is ok to say NO to those people who only intend to use and drain us of all we have to give. We have made the decision to say NO in this one instance. Still, our John Michael loves us. Our brother still loves us. Pastor loves us. In fact, each one stands beside us in our saying NO. For keepers, this means that we can say NO and our world will still go on without missing a beat. The relationships where keepers are loved and valued are just as strong after our saying NO as they were before. Keepers only gained strength and self-esteem by saying NO in a situation where that word was most appropriate. It has taken keepers almost 60 years to learn that it really is ok to say NO when we need to. That is not a lesson keepers will ever forget.

To be honest, keepers are happiest when we are giving to those we love. There have been times when it made us happy to share with our brothers and sisters. There have been many times when it made us happy to be giving as mothers and especially as grandmothers. But even in the roles where keepers have always been caretakers there is a limit on what it is reasonable to ask of us and there is a point where our giving hearts have been completely depleted. Since none of these people have ever bothered to replenish our giving spirits, keepers finally reached the point where we have absolutely nothing more to give. Somehow, that should make keepers very sad because it means these people put no value at all on who keepers are. But instead of sadness a feeling of freedom followed our saying NO this evening. WHAT AN AMAZING THING IT IS FOR KEEPERS TO FINALLY FEEL THAT FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!

For keepers, Saturday July 21, 2007 is the day that keepers can celebrate as the day we finally knew that it really is ok to say NO. This day will always mean so much to our system because we have struggled our whole lives to get here.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers all know that it has only been a few days since we took back our power from the toxic person who has been attacking us.  We realize, too, that it has been even less time since our little keepers came back to today from having been driven back to yesteryear.  For us, that means this is a time when we need to allow everyone in our system time to recover and get back on their feet.  It is true that what we have been going through for the last 4 months has been emotional and psychological and even spiritual in some ways.  But keepers have come to know that this kind of being down and out is just as real and just as taxing as our having had pneumonia or having had a broken leg or having experienced some kind of diabetic episode.  In fact, we see that there is not one bit of difference between our having a physical ailment and our dealing with an emotional meltdown caused by outside forces.  We have learned that just as the body needs time to heal so does the mind and spirit when it has suffered deeply.  This is why keepers feel no shame in giving our system this time to recover from what has happened.

Being multiple, keepers have dealt a multitude of bad times when we, honestly, believed things would never get any better for us.  But, the truth is, keepers have gotten better at handling these awful and painful times.  We have learned how to get through such times while holding on to what progress we have made.  For example, our bad times do not last nearly as long as they once did.  Also, we always manage to maintain deep and free breathing through whatever is happening.  And this old body is more capable of handling the taxing physical cost of bad times than it has ever been before.

Over the last few years, keepers have learned that we come of our bad times having gained some new strength or ability.  We see our recovery periods as a time when the sunshine is beaming into our world and lighting up new ways in which keepers are better off than we were before the most recent catastrophe or meltdown happened.  We always find that we have discovered new knowledge about our system of alters and need to establish new ways of coping.  Figuring out all of the new and incorporating all of it into our lives is a huge part of what our recovery times are all about.

Keepers have spent a great number of years figuring out how to help our system cope better and to survive the bad time with greater ease.  One of the things we have been told time and time again is that keepers need to change our thinking and that alone will change our lives.  This has been told to us by therapists and ministers and even doctors at times.  Their basic theory is that our thoughts affect our feelings and by thinking differently our emotions would come more into what is considered appropriate for a normal human being.  For years, keepers took this as an axiom because these professionals were, surely, far more wise than keepers.  We tacked up affirmations all over our studio.  Several times a day, we would stop and read these affirmations out loud.  Inwardly, keepers take a new concept–like KEEPERS HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG–and use it as a mantra to be repeated over and over by our entire system.  Keepers have actually sat each night and made a list of what we accomplished in an individual day or taken time to tell ourselves that we deserve things like God’s love in our lives.  We have done the same repeating of the same concepts for years and years in the hopes that something about our thinking was changing even if keepers were unaware of this growth.  But no matter how hard we tried, these new tapes and new concepts never seemed to make their way into being  new ways of living for us.  Eventually, keepers had to accept the fact that CHANGE YOUR THINKING AND YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE did not work for us.

Keepers are sure that most people function from a standpoint where their thinking is what controls their emotions.  But, for us, it had turned out to be the other way around.  Keepers do have very good and functional minds but, any way we twist it or turn it, keepers are much more feeling beings than cognitive beings.  So, for us, it made sense that we need to change our feelings.  As we did that, our thinking would follow suit with our emotions.  By following this process, keepers have been able to begin changing our thinking and that has enabled us to begin, truly, changing our lives.

What I mean by this is that it does little good for keepers to read a sign that tells us KEEPERS HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.  To us, those will always be just words on a piece of paper.  For keepers to actually live from the standpoint that we have done nothing wrong–keepers have to feel that fact as a part of who we are.  We have done this by stopping every so often throughout our days and checking inside for anyone who feels guilt or shame in any way.  We share with that alter all the last few hours have held and show him/her that keepers have done no misdeeds for that period of time. If keepers have made a mistake in the last few hours, we reassure that alter that the mistake was unintentional and can be repaired.  Then, we help that alter to see the feelings of shame or guilt are coming out of yesteryear and have nothing to do with today.  Eventually, that alter begins to feel better and take on  feeling more safe and confident in today.  As one or many alters begin to feel better about being keepers, our thoughts seem to follow suit and take on a more positive perception.

One thing keepers have done over the last four months is that we can not compare ourselves to others–not even others who live in multiplicity.  We were not doing this consciously but feelings of being different had infiltrated our emotional world.  As things unfolded, keepers began to feel more and more freakish.  At some point our feelings of being outcasts overwhelmed our system.  No matter what words keepers used, we could not get our thoughts to turn away from beating up on each other for who and what keepers are.  It was only when keepers began to actually feel a sense of belonging and a sense of others understanding that our thoughts could let go of continually telling us that we were too different to ever be as good as any other person.  Indeed, the only way keepers could alter this was changing our feelings which brought our thinking back to where it should be.

In order for keepers to have control of our thinking, we need to have control of our emotions.  The only way to really control our emotions is by keepers staying safe and by turning away from those who criticize us overmuch and by letting go of those who threaten to harm us.  Sometimes, this means that keepers live in seclusion so that we can gain strength and confidence in ourselves.  Only when we feel strong enough to handle what the world throws at us do we break our seclusion.  Only when keepers feel capable enough do we walk out our front door and do the things we are meant to do.  People can tell us endlessly that keepers are strong and keepers are capable but those words make little difference until our emotions are aligned enough for us to hear them.

For the last four months, people (from our John Michael to the police and others) were telling keepers that we were safe and that no one could get into the studio to harm us.  But these words helped very little because keepers felt danger at every turn and felt threatened by an unknown attacker and even felt powerless to protect ourselves.  But slowly and surely, we changed our studio to where it actually feels safe for keepers to be here .  The police gave keepers all we needed to have that feeling of being safe.  It was only in keepers feeling safe again that we could come to believe that we were once more safe.

I guess, in a way, thought versus feelings is much like “which came first–the chicken or the egg”.  But keepers have spent years trying to change our thinking and thereby change our lives.  Not for one second did it work.  But when we strive to change our feelings, our thoughts seem to change almost automatically and keepers have success in changing our lives.

For keepers, this period of recovery is about integrating into our system the truth of focusing on our feeling when something happens and simply allowing our thoughts to follow suit.  We were aware of this before things went awry with our attacker but over the last bad period of time, we have come to know that we can handle more if we work on changing our feelings which will change our thoughts which will always lead to changing our lives.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Recently, little keepers have been suffering badly enough to be unable to stay in today. I guess big keepers were not paying enough attention because we did not see them getting sucked back into that world–where they used to live–until it was too late for bigs to prevent it from happening. Once we realized that we had lost our littles, big keepers were very upset because we know what an awful place yesteryear is for our little keepers. We knew that our littles must have felt just terrible in the today to even allow themselves to get sucked backward. But keepers also thought that there was little we could do to bring our littles back to the safety of today.

Big keepers are ashamed to say that it was not us at all who brought our little keepers back home to the safety of today. It was little alters in other systems who reached out and let little keepers know that they are wanted in today and that nothing at all in today could be as bad as things were in the places littles had chosen to return to. As keepers look back on these last several days, what we see is an amazing banding together of little alters who found the courage to reach out to little keepers and help bring them back to where they belong.

Several nights ago, three little alters in a system sent an email to our little keepers and asked that big keepers read it out loud every day until our littles came home. These beautiful sweet little alters found the courage to put part of their story in that email by telling our littles how it felt to them when they went back to yesteryear not long ago. These three littles let our little keepers know that the NOW is always so much better than what once was. And these three little alters let our little keepers know that they are a part of a family where little ones are loved and cared about. The email from these littles was so touching that it made big keepers cry but our John Michael sat down each of two nights and read this email out loud for our little keepers to hear. All keepers want to thank these three little alters in another system and tell them that they were a huge help in bringing out little keepers home to today. Thank you Abigail and Jewel and Hannah for all you did to help our little keepers.

Then, there was the little alter who had given us KNOTS ON A COUNTING ROPE. She is from a different system entirely but did such huge things that helped little keepers come back to the safety of today. I doubt if Sarah had any idea how much she was helping little keepers but we have no doubt that she did. Both through Sarah’s favorite story book and her own ways of coping she showed our little keepers that the NOW is a place where little alters are always better off. Thank you, Sarah, for helping our little keepers find the courage to come back home to big keepers and John Michael.

Over the last year, keepers have watched a unity develop among multiples all over the world. We seem to have become a community that gives each one of us what we have never had before–people who notice how we are doing and who worry when things just do not seem right and who reach out a helping hand whenever necessary. Keepers have tried to do these things consistently for our friends who live in multiplicity and our friends out there have consistently done this for keepers over the last year. But, the camaraderie that has developed and grown strong has appeared to be among adult alters while each of us were keeping our littles very safe and protected–which is a good thing because our littles deserve to feel safe in this world.

But what keepers believe now is that our little alters have been peeking out and watching what was going on in these wonderful new relationships. Keepers think that these little alters are beginning to band together in a way only they can. As much as little alters have been hurt–they are beginning to reach out to each other and help one another when the going gets tough. Our little alters share their stories with other littles–in a way that only they can. Our little alters share their infinite wisdom with other little alters when another little needs to hear their truth. Our little alters are somehow banding together and reaching out in a way keepers thought would never be possible.

In keepers world, the only one who ever accepted and loved our little alters was our John Michael. That left little keepers with a sense of aloneness that they could never break. Our littles had trusted our external children to always be their friends only to get kicked in the gut when that suited our external children. Our little keepers trusted our former therapist for 17 years and never saw that he was doing all he could to keep them sick. In fact, little keepers have always lived with a sense of isolation that only another multiple could possibly understand. These last four months have magnified our littles feelings of being rejected by the world even more.

The truth of the matter will always be that it was not big keepers who helped our littles come back to the NOW. It was not even our John Michael who could reach them and let them know that today is much better than yesterday. It was little alters in the systems of others who found the courage and strength to reach out and show true compassion to our little keepers. It was those little alters who had the ability to bring our little keepers home.

Keepers first began KEEPERSKORNER because we believed that those who live in multiplicity are the most inspirational people on earth. Through all multiples have gone through, we somehow managed to protect our loving hearts and bring them into today with us. That adult alters are kind and caring with others is a remarkable phenomenon because it means a part of us was not destroyed by our abuse. That little alters could come together are help each other through the bad times (in a way that no grown up alter could ever fully understand) has to be one of God’s greatest miracles.

Thank you little alters all over the world. Thank you so much for being you. You have so many wonderful things inside of you. Things like strength and courage and wisdom and kindness and compassion. Each and every little alter on this earth is so very precious and means so very much to keepers.

peace and blessings,

keepers

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