Two of the most precious moments in keepers lives has been those singular moments when our system brought our own baby girls into this world.  They are more than 2 1/2 years apart in age so each memory of their births stands alone in our minds.  I will always remember the great joy we all felt when we first held our baby girls in our arms.  I will always remember, too, the intense fear that filled our hearts because we had been given these beautiful little girls without ever having been taught how to do right by them.   Our youngest daughter is over thirty now (with little girls of her own) but those first moments of her life are still so fresh and crisp in keepers minds.

Keepers think of this and somehow find ourselves traveling even further back in time to the moment the owner of this body was born so many years ago.  I happen to be the alter in this system who always sits back and wonders what our mother thought in that very moment when she knew she had given birth to a daughter.  Keepers have always been painfully aware that our mother only wanted sons.  This is proven to be true by the fact that this old female body was given a male name from the onset.  The name was chosen before the body was born and not changed when we turned out to be a girl because our mother could not bear the thought of our having a feminine name.  We know, too, that contempt was all our mother felt for us as we grew up.  But, still, I will always wonder what our mother felt in those first few moments after hearing of her own daughters birth.  I guess I need to hope that somewhere inside of her she smiled at the news and maybe was touched by our first cry.  I doubt it but something inside of me longs for that to be what happened in our first moments on earth.

Keepers grew up in a very male oriented family.  Our parents always presented things as their sons could do not wrong and their daughter could do no right.  Only in adulthood did we come to see that our brothers had been as badly abused as keepers were.  Only as we aged did we recognize the depth of harm our parents did to our brothers throughout their lives.  Only in retrospect can keepers tell that the male oriented family did not even respect its sons.

But, the truth of the matter is, that in spite of what they went through the boys in our family were the ones who had the better lives.  In fact, a couple of years ago–when our brother was living in our home–he would often tell the story of something wonderful our Grandfather had done.  He would always comment GRANDPA DID THIS FOR THE BOYS EVERY YEAR–I NEVER REMEMBER HIM DOING IT FOR THE GIRLS.  Our brother was remembering correctly.  The boys were always in school.  Keepers were almost never in school because we had to tend to our Nana during the days.  The boys had organized activities.  They were boy scouts and they played baseball and soccer on teams.  Keepers were in college before we ever got to play on even a softball team.  Our Grandfather always made sure the boys had nice clothes and good shoes on their feet.  Mostly, keepers wore our brothers hand me downs.  The theory was that sons reflected their father and therefore must always look their best but keepers were hardly ever out in the world so we needed very little.  In fact, keepers remember having only three new dresses before the age of 18.  One was our First Communion Dress which was made by an aunt.  Another was a pretty blue dress that was bought for us to wear when meeting our fathers extended family for the first time.  The third was a lavender dress that we could not even tell our mother someone had bought for us.

In all fairness, it is true that our family was considered the poorest of poor in spite of the fact that both of our parents always held full time jobs.  You see the money was coming in and going right back out on major amounts of alcohol and thousand dollar suits for our father.  When we were very young, there was seldom enough to eat and the sons were always fed first after the mother and father.

For the whole of keepers lives, being born a daughter was held against us in the worst of ways.  We grew up in a family that put no value at all on its female offspring.  We grew up feeling like we had done something so horrendously wrong by being born in a girls body.  Keepers grew up hating ourselves and blaming ourselves for having made the mistake of being girls.

Still, looking back, keepers have never felt moments more precious than those we have shared with our own daughters over the years.  We have felt no pride greater than that of watching our daughters as they accomplished things in their lives.  We have felt no greater joy than that of being mother to two beautiful women.  We feel that in spite of all that has gone wrong in our relationships with them.

But for keepers it all still goes so much further back–to the woman who was told she had given birth to the little girl who owns this body.  It goes back to our wondering why we were never good enough for our own mother.  It goes back to our needing to know what our mother felt the very first time she saw this face or heard our laughter.  It goes back to trying to understand how and why we were given a mother who admittedly hated us so much she could not bear to touch us.

In today, keepers are so thankful that we were born female.  We enjoy our femininity and we relish in our womanhood.  Not because of the mother we had but in spite of the mother we had.  I really wonder how our mother feels from beyond about that.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Early this afternoon, our John Michael called keepers from work.  On his lunch hour–he had gone out and done some visiting of our blog friends.  His call to us was to alert keepers that one of our dearest blog friends had put one up saying that her system was surrendering because they had no more tolerance for the pain that some family members were causing her by way of attacking her on this level and that level.  This blog friend has been enduring attacks for several months now.  Those attacks are coming at a time when this blog friend is trying to stay strong for her own adult children who are having one crisis after another right now.  Keepers went out and read this blog and I can tell you–it broke our hearts.  Partly, because keepers have spent months going through much the same thing with our so called family.  But also because we have known this blog friend for a long time now and we have seen her character and kind heart as our friendship has deepened over the last year or so.

Somehow, knowing this is happening to a dear friend made keepers sit back and look at what family really is all about.  Technically, family means those that are born on our bloodline.  The people we share common DNA with.  It also include spouses who have married into such a group of people.  So, keepers sat back and looked at what our biological family is all about.  It was not a pretty picture at all.

Keepers family consists of a brother that is so off the wall–a judge has had to take guardianship of his 54 year old life and commit him for treatment. It consists of a cousin who is a teacher but fails to acknowledge and report child abuse when it comes to her attention.  She worries more about the stress the parents are under than the damage being done to the child. It consists of a son who has extremely inappropriate behaviors with the feet of young women.  His wife knew full well of the problem and allowed it to continue in spite of the danger to her own daughter.  Then there is our daughter with chronic eating disorder issues.  She has sucked so much money out of this family for treatment and has made little real progress.  The reason for this is that she has never been open or truthful with any one of her several therapists.  Then, there is her husband who does such things as throw M&Ms on the floor for his toddler daughter to pick up and eat.  This same father to very little girls refused to spray for spiders when discovered in his home–saying that spiders were a fact of life and that his little girls had to learn that. Then, there is the other daughter who disappeared from our lives years ago.  It has been presented that this daughter contacted us some months ago through our blog.  But if it was her–she presented us with nothing more than games.  She used many different identities in contacting us but each one traced back to the same IP address.   She was full of attacks but made no attempt at finding resolution.  She used a temporary email address which left keepers unable to respond personally.

These are the people who are on keepers blood line.    Their definition of love is that keepers should let them do whatever they want.  If keepers love our brother we will take him into our home and let him drink himself to de*th within the safety of these walls.  If we love our son, we will turn a blind eye to his behaviors and accept his wife while she maligns us to everyone who will listen.  If we love our daughter, we will continue to fork out money and give up our time so that she can have the freedom to do her thing while accepting being rejected as not good enough for so many happy events.  We will think it is so cute for Daddy to throw candy on the floor for the little girls to eat and we will trust that a spider will not bite one of them.  If we love our other daughter, we will do as she demands without question or needing any personal contact.

Keepers would feel horribly guilty for refusing to deal with our family any more and for reporting things that needed to be reported.  We have felt guilty in this family for so many years.  But, the truth is, that keepers have come to know many families very similar to ours.  We have seen and experienced the phenomenon of being drug down by these people who share our common DNA.  But when all is said and done–keepers have had a choice all along–we could either chose to follow the path that our family members have chosen or we could break away and find a new and healthier path that leads to better and more loving relationships.

The word FAMILY is a very important word to all keepers.  But this thing that we call family is not a family at all.  It is more a cov*n of people who band together and protect each others sick behaviors and call that love.  It is a family where grown up convenience and fun always comes before the safety and welfare of the children.  It is a family that still perpetuates the same behaviors that caused keepers to live in multiplicity.  It is a family that attacks viciously and cruelly against those who try to stand up for the welfare of the children.  It is a family that makes absolutely no sincere attempt to heal in any way.

At this point, keepers blood family is one where we have turned to the police for protection from our relatives.  This was done because the attacks were so severe and unrelenting.  Keepers were astounded when the police did not look at keepers and say WHAT KIND OF AWFUL PERSON ARE YOU? Instead we were told that those we are dealing with are severely disturbed human beings and that we should sever all ties.

Like I said, the word FAMILY is a very important word to keepers.  But our definition of FAMILY is a group of people working together for the common goal of a better life for everyone concerned.  Our definition of FAMILY is a group of people who care about each other and speak with respect to each other and stand up together for what is right.  Our definition of family is a group of people who value each other’s opinions and uniqueness.  Our definition of FAMILY IS people who take the time to work things out and who have an understanding of what it means to bother with one another.

Keepers dream of having the family we just described.  We dream of the day when family wants us around and when working things out is a way of life.  We dream of symbolically linking arms with our loved ones and marching out into the world with love and unity binding us together.  This is a dream keepers fear will never be reality for us.

Oh, wait, it is already reality for keepers.  Our true family is with those who come through KEEPERSKORNER each and every day.  It may not be blood family but it a very good family and KEEPERSKORNER has become a wonderful place to call home.

To my friend that wrote her blog about surrendering today, I say please look around you and release yourself from the bonds of DNA and see how very many people really care about you and are here for you when you are ready to reach out.  We–all of us–are you family, too.

peace and blessings,

keepers

With Katie’s permission keepers and John would like to present a blog from a dear friend of ours, Katie….

To My 360 Family…

You could find yourself admiring others for their accomplishments today and everyday. . This could lead you to compliment friends and strangers alike, like so many here do on a daily basis. Natural competitiveness may be part of our evolutionary heritage, which may make us less likely to offer flattery. But if we can only succeed by keeping others down, we hardly deserve anything we get. We are truly evolved when we give a gift of respect and kindness by showing our appreciation to those we admire.

I do appreciate and admire each and every one of you. If I could give just a small amount of love and friendship, which I try to do often, to all of you for all you have done for me while being a member of yahoo 360, them my life would be so much more complete. Each of you in your own way are a gift from God by just being part of my life. This site is my home, and each of you are invited any time of any given day or night, to come by to have some coffee, play some music on the porch, or just have a good ole cry. By acknowledging that everyone has their own unique gifts to give the world, we know there is no threat to our sucess or survival.

When we can be confident within ourselves, we can share the gift of confidence with others. Then we become an example of a world in which everyone supports each other so that we all may reach our highest potentials as individuals and as a race. By simply showing your admiration and appreciation of others today, you uplift us all.

When we remember that like attracts like, we can feel good about ourselves when we realize we are surrounded by those we admire. Giving a compliment is a way of sharing our positive energy, and what small energy I can give is yours for the taking. We know how good we feel when receive a compliment, so we can understand the boost it gives. By expressing our appreciation, we support their efforts and encourage them to continue. Today you can help make your life and your world a better place for all of us by displaying self-confidence and support.

Today and everyday I admire and appreciate each and all of you as a whole. I am doing well. I am so short of breathe and the oxygen burns my nose, but I am getting better. I have used my spray more this week, but that is to be expected. I am done taking the steroids for now, and I thank God for that. I have the echo tomorrrow at 4, so wish me luck that there is’nt much damage to my heart. I need to keep it as healthy as I can for as long as I can.

I miss the new babies. I can hear them in the barn, but can’t see them. I had five new births over the weekend. The total live now is 13. I did walk down there Sunday, but only a walk through. They are just precious. I will take pics of them as soon as I can.

I have named one of the babies Hope after a dear precious little keepers of mine. John, please pass this on to Hope hon.

All my love, prayers and always support,

Katie

These last couple of days have been very difficult for keepers. That is because a lot has happened over the last few months. Keepers have had to deal with everything from the insane attacks from the person claiming to be munchkin to deciding that KEEPERSKORNER can do more good simply being registered and official on just the state level to some medical issues that arose and went away rather quickly. Then, there was the attack that came at us on Mother’s Day from someone we thought was a dear friend. The truth is that these last months have been a matter of keepers getting knocked down time and time again. Each and every time that we got knocked down, keepers automatically set about pulling ourselves back up and getting on with job we have to do. However, we did not take the time to process any of what was happening which was a huge mistake for us. I really think we all knew what a tremendous impact the events have had on us and we were afraid to let the processing begin so we could cope in healthy ways. Like we did as children, keepers just kept on going without stopping to feel the hurt and deal with the damage done to our system. Keepers knew, though, that sooner or later all of this would catch up with us and we would have no choice but to process all we have been avoiding dealing with in our lives. However, a couple of days ago, the time came for us to process and come to grips with all that has happened these last few months. To say that these past few days have been horrible for keepers is really minimizing all we have been going through.

Keepers have thought a lot about the two blogs we have written recently about God. We have taken a good look at the comments that came in on those two blogs as well. They provoked a lot of soul searching among our alters. The comments brought out questions that keepers have been unwilling to look at for a long time now. For the past several days, keepers have been looking–quite seriously at God’s role in all that happened to keepers as children and all that has been happening to keepers over the last few months. We have spent days putting pen to paper and expressing our feeling of abandonment by God and our hurt over what God has allowed to happen in our lives. Keepers have let God know that it truly feels like our own personal HIGHER POWER (that keepers love so much) is truly little more than just another abuser in keepers lives. We have questioned how God can ignore our prayers and just leave keepers suffering with no hope of anything changing or getting better. We have let God know of our anger and hurt but also that these feelings do not change our love for God or our commitment to our calling here at KEEPERSKORNER.

Then, last night, keepers had a very long talk with one of our friends who resides overseas and in a whole different part of the world from us. Our friend had been traveling for a few days and we had not communicated for a while. Our conversation quickly became a very deep one about God. How God could allow such horrible things to happen to innocent little children. How God could be aware of all that was happening and do nothing to bring the child to safety. Both our friend and keepers were questioning whether God was just another perpetrator in our lives and if God was getting some kind of pleasure in seeing our littles harmed so badly. The conversation ended without resolution to any of our questions. The reason for that is that no one knows why God does what God does. But keepers felt a little better for having found a common ground for sharing with this dear friend.

This morning, keepers woke up quite late in the day–which is what we do when we can not cope with life as it is. We sleep our time away and hope the problems will resolve themselves somehow. But we awoke feeling in much the same funk we have been in for days now. We struggled to get a grip on ourselves so that we could move through this day a little better than we did yesterday. It was not working at all. Then, our John Michael sent us an email that contained an article from another site. It was an article that dealt with the exact same issues keepers have been dealing with. That article gave keepers a whole new perspective and understanding which opened the door for keepers to begin feeling better.

Keepers have two brothers who have died due to both abuse and neglect. One left us shortly after his birth. His death was caused by a mother who drank throughout her pregnancy–thereby putting herself before her unborn child. The other died as an adult–after living a life riddled with serious physical difficulties that resulted from having parents who did not take care of his medical or emotional needs. Keepers have two living brothers –one still in the throws of both severe alcoholism and self destruction and the other having come of the same situation. Keepers also have one sister that we never speak of. The legacy of her abuse is in her eyes and in her voice every moment of every day. Her method of coping is to stick her nose in the air and live the YUPPIE life so that no one ever knows the pain that is inside of her.

Keepers look at our family both of origin and in today. It is, indeed, a family based on cruelty and hurt that is hurled at others instead of reaching out for help and understanding. It is a family that does not know how to care about or support each other. It is a family based on lies and addictions and betrayal more than anything else. It is a family where what matters is the size of Dad’s paycheck or the immense house one resides in or the genius of one’s brain over the kindness in one’s heart. More and more keepers know that these are the qualities that curse through our blood as it flows through this body.

In our family, keepers have always been the black sheep. Our own mother declared us idiots because we would leave home to walk to school but would dissociate along the way and never make it to our classroom. Our own brother declared us too stupid to attend college so our education was aborted at his behest. We have spent the last 36 years being degraded because our home is simple and John’s income is not up to snuff. We have been told that keepers were the ugly daughter and the stupid child and the worthless offspring. But, worst of all, keepers are made fun of by our family because we chose to do our charitable organization rather than strive to be the head of a major corporation. We have been told that keepers were the worlds worst daughters which was followed by our being told that keepers were the worlds worst mothers.

It seems ironic to keepers because we know that in today, keepers have come out of all of this somehow being the blessed ones. Through dissociation, keepers managed to live until old age set in. Through our multitude of alters, keepers managed to protect the tender heart of the little girl born into this body until we could live freely from the tenderness of her heart. Through this disorder that is so freely labeled as serious, keepers managed to keep alive our ability to love and our ability to care about others. Through all that life has been and all that people have said about us, keepers have come to nearly 60 years old with some sense of worth on this earth and some ability to do good for others. Somehow, all of this was a gift from God. We have no idea why God chose keepers to be the blessed ones in this family but we know for sure that God’s Hand has been in all that has unfolded.

In today, keepers can easily recall the abuse of our childhood. We look outward and we see the tentacles of that abuse in our siblings and even in our external children. We often stop and wonder where God was when our tiny heart and fragile body was being harmed so horribly. We wonder why God did not step in and intervene on our behalf. We look to God every day and question why our lives are full of so much hurt even now. We have such intense moments where we beg God to reveal to keepers his intent for us. We cry out to God in anger for what life has been for keepers. So often, keepers give up because we feel as if God is turning a deaf ear to all we have to say.

But the truth is that God illustrated our conversation with someone half way around the world last night. And God sent John to a site with something on it that would help keepers today. John was at work and would not have normally done this. God does not give keepers the help we think is best for us. God does give keepers the help that God knows we need. God does this because it is common knowledge that keepers are not always the best judge of what is right for us.

Keepers are often in the position of wanting to do something for KEEPERSKORNER. Much of the time, we are faced with the NO HOW AND NO WAY realities of life. But, when we simply write it out and put the words in God’s inbox (Yes, God has an inbox here at KEEPERSKORNER) a way is found and we move forward with things we never thought were even possible. As much pain as keepers carry with us and as angry at God that we get, there are those time when God take our NO WAY AND NOW HOW only to show us that a way can be found.

The fact that God chose not to protect keepers from our abusive childhood will always be a point of contention in our relationship. We will always have days when keepers wonder if God was just another perpetrator standing by and gaining pleasure out of seeing keepers harmed so badly. Keepers will always live needing to know why God handled things the way He did. Keepers will confront God with our questions time and time again in spite of knowing that we may not have that answer until we leave this earth. But what keepers know is that God can handle it and God is sending us the answers we need when we need them.

Keepers spent so many years blaming God and hating God for what He allowed in our lives. But, something changed along the way. We know that God was right there with us when our abuse occurred and when we lost two brothers and even when horrible things have happened recently. We don’t know why God did not step up and take control–thereby protecting keepers in some way. But keepers know that God had His reasons and that keepers can trust God to always do what is best for us and for our loved ones.

Keepers know full well that we can not tell anyone else how to feel about God or how to understand God in relation to their abuse. But, for us, we know that God was there and that God did what was best for keepers. We know, too, that God’s love is the only truly pristine thing there is and that God does not expect keepers to be perfect. He only asks that keepers trust His ways and live with tender hearts–which is what keepers try so hard to always do.

peace and blessings,

keepers

This painting right above these words is entitled THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC and is done by Maggie–one of keeper’s most active and more functional alters. The medium Maggie used for this piece is soft pastels, which is her favorite. She has both oil pastels and the soft ones but mostly employs the soft chalk pastels in doing her pieces. Knowing Maggie as well as I do, my suspicion is that she likes the pastels because it feels like she is letting her own inner child out to color when she is working at the easel. Besides, Maggie has not always been our neatest alter which may tell me the reason she prefers the chalk pastels over the oil. The dust from the soft pastels gets all over everything and is almost uncontrollable while working with them. So, perhaps, they are Maggie’s favorite as an expression of her rebellion against neatness and orderly pursuits. Maybe, too, the lack of control over the mess soft pastels make symbolizes Maggie’s acceptance of the chaos within her own emotions. However, cleaning up after Maggie is finished working for the day is almost always left to another alter because Maggie does not like the process of putting order back into our studio after her pastels have created dusty chaos everywhere.

Keepers art work has always been our greatest healing endeavor. I don’t know why that is but we seem to get much further while at the easel than we do sitting and talking with another person. It does not really matter whether it is Beth or Ellen or Sara Christine or Maggie working on a piece–the end result is always the same for our system. Somehow, through the process of putting our hearts and souls into a piece, relief comes to keepers and whatever is bothering us finds its way to resolution–temporarily, at least. But, the important thing is, that keepers do begin to feel better while painting and are more able to cope when our art work is an active part of our lives.

THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC was done in 2001–a time of huge transition and growth for keepers. This piece was Maggie’s first attempt in many years to even try painting in any way. I think Maggie went back to the easel after so long because she knew that our old life as mothers was dying off and it was time for a new life to begin for keepers. Since art has always been our passion, returning to the easel with more enthusiasm than ever before seemed the natural choice for keepers to make. Our artwork put life in our days as we were trying to survive the empty nest syndrome that was so painful for all of us.

I think that THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC was keepers first real look at how being a woman and being very feminine could become a positive force in our lives instead of the curse we had always experienced it as being. Keepers found ourselves looking back and seeing that most of our life had been such a waste and that we blamed that on this body being born female. We could clearly see that only bad things came out of our childhood and that being mothers was little more than a waste for us so we were grieving the loss of the life we had so much wanted to have. THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC was a very healing piece for our system and we all thank Maggie for helping us by doing it.

I do know that the maiden’s pose has special meaning to Maggie and that the length of her hair symbolizes something in Maggie’s mind and even the way the maiden is looking downward and away has special meaning to Maggie. But Mag tells me not to say any more than that because she wants each of you to see what you see in this piece much more than she wants you to see what we see. In other words, Maggie wants THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC left open to interpretation by each and every viewer.

In today, keepers are very thankful and happy to be women. We now enjoy our femininity and relish in the fact that life as women has finally become a positive thing for keepers. But I look back at when THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC was done and I know that as recently as 6 years ago, keepers hated ourselves and each other simply because we had the misfortune of having been born female. It brings tears to my eyes to stop and think of how deeply we once hated something that we now appreciate with all of our beings.

I do know that Maggie showed me THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC long before she showed it to anyone else. When I first saw it, I found a whole new different meaning in it than I find today. You see, as the years pass with any one of keepers pieces, the meaning it has to our system evolves as we grow and gain strength. So, I guess even keepers perceptions of THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC are still open to interpretations that change every single day.

THE MAIDEN’S MAGIC and other pieces done by various keepers can be seen in our galleries at KEEPERSKORNER. COM. We hope that you will visit often as we plan to put new pieces up regularly and we hope you will share your interpretations with us.

peace and blessings,

keepers

this morning, keepers received an email from our one brother that we do have a relationship with.  Of course, his words were full of family news.  He was concerned over the fact that no one has heard anything from our alcoholic brother who was in such bad shape just a few weeks ago. He was even more concerned about his own only daughter, who is in her early twenties and dealing with a major addiction of her own.   The truth is that my heart went out to the brother who authored the email that arrived in our inbox this morning.  He is such a good man with a very good heart who cares a lot about others.  Besides, keepers share his worries and empathize with his anguish over these two family members.

But the truth is that our youngest brother and keepers and everyone else may well be fully ready for this alcoholic brother and our addicted niece to get on with beginning their healing journeys.  We, as family, can push at these two people and chastise them until the cows come home.  We can enfold each of them in loving arms or we can go the tough love route and wash our hands of them.  But none of it will do any good or change the perameters of the separate situations for one very good reason.  Neither our niece who is lost out there on the streets somewhere nor our alcoholic brother are ready to begin their healing journey and as long as that holds true, there is no human behavior that has any real influence on what happens with them.

Like I have said before the one brother keepers do have a relationship with was once a severe alcoholic himself.  It was hard to go through the dramas associated with his addictions and it was so extremely painful to know that keepers had no power at all to fix things for our little brother.  That was six long years ago.  This brother found that moment when he was ready to step into a healing mode of life with a therapist on board and  AA meetings becoming a constant part of who he is.  His healing has been far from easy but he has done it one day at a time or five minutes at a time when that was all he could do.  But, the truth is that no healing did or could occur until this brother was ready within himself to seek a better life for both him and his family.

Some thirty years ago, keepers honestly thought that we were ready to do our healing and to follow our healing journey through to the end.  But a very wise person once told me that it takes a good 7 false starts before someone truly begins to walk their own healing path.  Looking back on keepers lives–7 false starts seems like a gross understatement.  Year after year, keepers were trying to get through our own addictions and deal with our multiplicity and find a healthier way of living for ourselves.  We can not count the number of times we fell flat on our faces or made huge progress only to slip backwards at one point or another.  In hindsight, it seems like keepers had 7,000 false starts in thirty years time.  We used every excuse in the book to explain away our dismal failures at healing.  But the truth was that keepers were just not ready yet to step away from our own pathology and take a chance on something new like facing the world clean and sober or learning to trust some people who had our best interest at heart.

It was less than five years ago that keepers woke up one morning fully ready to begin our healing journey.  It was a moment that had absolutely nothing to do with any other human being.  Something inside of keepers was really ready which was the key to keepers beginning to find our way in this world.  Keepers knew that this was the moment for us because, for the first time, we were embarking on our healing journey solely for ourselves.  Not for family members or friends or even therapists who were coercing us to move forward.  Our desire for healing had grown strong enough to carry us through.  In truth, we knew our healing did not depend on how many people were around us to care or support our system as we went through all we had to face.  And it mattered no whether keepers would be cut this break or that break.  Our healing had begun and we knew we were strong enough to make it through the tortures of the d*mned that we were destined to endure.  The only reason we have stayed on our healing path was because it was the right thing at the right time for keepers.

In today, keepers family is full of addicts.  Each one coping in his or her own way.  Hopefully, each one is working toward that moment of being really ready to start his/her healing journey.  Keepers care very deeply about each on of these family members.  But we have come to grips with the fact there is little we can do and the fact that we have absolutely no power to influence when and how healing begins for each of them.  We have learned to not play the games of addictions or buy into the guilt trips addicts are so good at handing out.  We have learned, too, that their moment of being ready is out there somewhere and when it comes, keepers will step forward with all the caring and support that we have within in silence for so long.  You see, when it comes to addictions–loving is far from enough to make a real difference.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers have always lived a life where many people share this one body.  In fact, we have absolutely no memory of a time when this body was occupied by only one person.  In fact, keepers trying to comprehend (on any level) what it like to have a body all to oneself is a task that feels too foreign for keepers to deal with.  Over the many years since our diagnosis keepers have come to accept our ALTERnate lifestyle as the one that is right for us.

Accepting this as our way of living does not mean that keepers have always gotten along with each other or been fair in their treatment of each other or even cared at all about each other.  In fact, I remember times when this therapist or that one would almost hound keepers about getting along better or cutting each other a break or just plain trying to care about each other.  I remember too thinking that I, as an alter, had no obligation to care about the others in here.  My rationalization was that no one else on this earth cared about the other people who share my body so there was no reason why I should be the first.  My logic was that if any of my alters had been worth caring about–someone would have cared about them a long time ago. In essence, I was very good at finding excuses to not care about anyone else in keepers system of alters.  Only years later would I come to see that many of our alters were just as expert at copping out when it came to caring about the other people who occupy this one body.

But, now, in today I know that our attitudes towards each other have changed quite drastically.  However, I have absolutely no idea when or how the changes came about in how keepers relate to each other or when it was that I began to see the real value of my alters or how it came to be that I now care very much about each one of them.  I only know that along my journey, I changed my thinking about the many people who occupy this singular body.  As my thinking toward them changed, so did my life.

The truth is that I wasted so many years literally hating the fact that I was forced to live in multiplicity.  These were the years when every alter was so desperate for independence from the others that we all seemed to be living completely separate lives.  It was the time in my life when chaos and drama reigned supreme and left me feeling like I had no control over anything.  It was also the time when our abreactions were at their worst–constantly running as an undercurrent in our system and volatile to the point of being able to erupt at any given moment. I hated my alters because I blamed them for what my life had always been.  I resented them for leaving me with so much loss time and so many moments of embarrassment where I found myself dealing with things or people I could not even remember.

But now, my life is very different and my feelings about my alters have changed so much.  I have come to realize the I owe keepers a great deal.  My little alters came into being to save my life when nothing else would have.  My teen alters came to function for me when there was no way I could remain functional.  My grown up alters even came into existence so that life would continue in one or another for this body and those who occupy it.   Now, there really was a time when I felt nothing but resentment for my alters keeping this body alive when every moment was filled with pain and anguish and emotional or physical torture.  I hated them for refusing to let this body just d*e.

But in today, I know that my alters were far wiser than I could have ever been.  They saw hope where I had grown hopeless.  They knew we were here for a reason and they kept on searching to understand that reason.

Recently someone wrote in a comment on keepers blog that she could have chosen to become cold and heartless but that she would rather not follow that path.  I think if I had been the only person in this body, I would have chosen the cold and heartless path because that was all I knew or saw in other people.  But my alters did me a great service because they protected by ability to love from being destroyed.  They kept my will to live safely tucked away where no abuse could destroy it.  My alters somehow managed to make sure that I did not follow that path of hurting others simply because I had been so badly hurt.  I can’t thank my alters enough for protecting those parts of me that people were trying so hard to destroy.

In today, the many people who share this body with me are truly my loving family.   I owe them my life.  I owe them the same love and respect that I give to anyone else.  I have learned to appreciate each one of them and I am thankful that we share such common bonds.  I can not help but be thankful that they had wisdom and strength to keep this body going when I had none to give.

If it were not for keepers, I could never do KEEPERSKORNER.  If my life was that of a singleton I would have no awareness of the strong need multiples have to just know someone cares and will be there for them.  But besides that, keepers spend over 8 hours a day running KEEPERSKORNER without other help.  Lydia does the office work.  Maggie answers phones.  I write the blogs.  We all share visiting blogs.  We do our painting and our drawings.  At the end of each day, I am thankful for their help and very grateful for what each alter puts into KEEPERSKORNER.

I know, full well, that keepers have chosen an ALTERnate lifestyle where many people will always share this one body.  It is a choice in our lives now because we have grown beyond our abreactions and our chaos and our drama.  This ALTERNATE lifestyle is what works for us and what brings joy and peace into my life in today.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Last night was a huge moment in time for John and keepers. Late in the evening we received the email we have waited 9 long months to receive. It was from Andzrej and told us that the new and improved KEEPERSKORNER was at long last live on the net. So, John and keepers took a few moments from our work and went out to visit the new KEEPERSKORNER and to use the tabs or sub tabs to explore our site. We were very impressed with how it all looked and even more impressed that our site finally had the abilities to be both keepers friendly and user friendly. We were thrilled because it felt like keepers were embracing new life that had been given to KEEPERSKORNER.

Over the last year, John has called KEEPERSKORNER keepers passion. Friends have named KEEPERSKORNER keepers calling in life. And still others have said that the site is now keepers child whom we devote all of our love and commitment. The truth is that each one of these descriptions is very true. But the one that means the most to us is that KEEPERSKORNER is our child in today.

For a year now, keepers have awaken in the morning and set about the task of taking care of KEEPERSKORNER business. We have given up many activities out there in the world so that we can have more quality time with our child that we have come to love so much. And there are many nights now when KEEPERSKORNER has us awake until close to dawn just like our external children did when they were little. When the site is not working well or things have gone astray, keepers worry and fret about it just as we did our external children. The fact it took 9 long months to come to the day when we were told our new and improved KEEPERSKORNER is now live was much like the moment of a mother hearing her child has come into the world. Keepers have a huge maternal instinct and we believe that KEEPERSKORNER was God giving us the inspiration on how to mother something other than a human child. The truth is that having KEEPERSKORNER live now has given all alters a true sense of both accomplishment and satisfaction.

Keepers minds are moving full speed ahead making mental lists of all we want to do now that the new and improved site is live. But we are trying hard to contain ourselves so that Andzrej and our John Michael time to get other things done because they have both worked so hard on accomplishing the new and improved KEEPERSKORNER going live.

Keepers are now inviting our blog friend to visit KEEPERSKORNER again and peruse the changes and let us know what you think. We hope you will enjoy the site much more than you did before.

We also invite our blog friends to use our CONTACT US tab to email your poetry or artwork that you would like to have in our GUEST GALLERY. If you want the pieces put in the GUEST GALLERY to be for sale, please include size and medium used and cost so that information will include your piece. Having a PAYPAL tab put up on our GUEST GALLERY is next on our to do list for KEEPERSKORNER.

Keepers are rather amazed because we gave up all hope for KEEPERSKORNER ever thriving again. That was just a few weeks ago. In fact, we published a blog saying that we were turning the site and the charitable organization over to God because keepers had had it and were too frustrated to go on. Somehow, turning it over to God breathed new life into both the site and our charitable endeavors. Now, just a few weeks later, have our new and improved KEEPERSKORNER and keepers spirits are so rejuvenated as we dive into new work and new progress with so much hope for the future.

Keepers are grateful that this day has come and to those who have put so much work into our getting here. We say thank you from the bottom of our hearts. And, we stand even more strongly behind our five minute rule. DON’T GIVE UP 5 MINUTES BEFORE YOUR MIRACLE HAPPENS. We will always remember how well that rule worked for us in getting KEEPERSKORNER live and brand spanking new.

Keepers have tried hard to figure out how to put a link to KEEPERSKORNER in this blog. John even sent an email from work with instructions on how to do it. But keepers can not figure it out. So, we ask that you check the sidebar and find the websites section. Click the keeperskorner name there and it will take you to our new and improved KEEPERSKORNER website.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers were hoping today would be the day when our new version of our old KEEPERSKORNER would go live.  However, it will not be today, folks.  Basically, it is ready to go but on some servers KEEPERSKORNER is having a problem with images showing up that should not be there.  These images are appearing when visitors get to our site through INTERNET EXPLORER but now when people use FIREFOX which is what John and keepers use.

Tonight–after our John Michael gets home from work–he and keepers will go out and evaluate what we want to do from here.  We need to see if the images are too obnoxious for us to go live any way and if they are whether we want to sit on going live until the images are somehow.

I am told that we may need to go live anyway because this problem has to with INTERNET EXPLORER more than anything.  People using FIREFOX will not encounter a problem at all.  So, we can only wait and see what evening brings as far as KEEPERSKORNER actually going live today or whether we will simply have to say NOT TODAY FOLKS.

peace and blessings,

keepers

This past Friday, Andzrej (webmaster for KEEPERSKORNER) sent us an email to let us know that he is finally having success in making our website not only functional but user friendly as well.  Included in the email was a link to where the work is being done.  He sent us the link so that John and keepers can watch the progress unfold in these final stages of getting the site working the way it should.  For keepers, it has been so exciting to check the link out day by day and see the progress as it shows up on the new presentation of KEEPERSKORNER.

When it comes to computers, Andzrej is pure genius.  He has proven that to us over and over again for years now. As a friend, he is also the best.  He cut KEEPERSKORNER a real break on what we pay him.  That was before he knew all of the frustration that would be entailed in his making KEEPERSKORNER functional as well as beautiful.  The last 6 months have been a matter of one hurdle after another as Andrej tried to work with what our former webmaster had done and convert it to something more user friendly.

John gets calls occassionally from Andzrej that let us know what is going on and how the work is progressing.  These calls go to John because the friendship is truly between the two of them.  Keepers are just on the sidelines feeling very thankful that Andzrej has been willing to work on KEEPERSKORNER and cares enough to not give up when the going gets tough like it has been for the last 6 months.

There are no major changes being made to KEEPERSKORNER.  Only small changes that will be barely noticed by our visitors.  Keepers really wanted to maintain the basic look of the site which has been done quite well.  However, the tabs on the home page will look slightly different and will give sub tabs to make exploring the site easier.  It will also make accessing particular information someone is seeking much more accessible.  Also, work is being done to give us more space to expand as KEEPERSKORNER grows and new pages are needed on our site.   Plus, pages like the Guest Gallery will be more the way keepers want them to be.  But the basic look of the site will not change much at all.

Keepers are going to update our Charitable Services tab as soon as the site is ready for that.  We have many things we want to add.  We are trying to come up with ways to offer new items we believe will be of help to other multiples and abuse survivors.  Our artwork is still being given away to those who request it and our toll free number (1.888.752.9070) is being manned for more hours per day than ever before.

Keepers are excited to be able to click the link and go see the progress as it is being made.  This has given us a real sense of moving forward with KEEPERSKORNER which is something that has not happened for us in a while.  We love watching as the site becomes new and fresh again.  We feel rejuvenated in our work here at KEEPERSKORNER and full of new ideas on where we want to go in our endeavors to improve the quality of life for multiples around the world.

We are told that KEEPERSKORNER with all of the changes might go live as soon as tomorrow.  We are very excited about that but afraid to hope that it will actually happen.  The saga of our troubles with KEEPERSKORNER began in October of 2006 and are only now being fully resolved.  So, this has been a 9 month trek of frustration and disappointment for everyone in our system.  It looks like this will soon be over and KEEPERSKORNER will once again being functioning easily and well.

Thank you, John Michael, for all the effort you have put into getting this done for us and the patience you have shown as keepers have given up on it ever happening time and time again.

Thank you Andzrej for sharing your computer genius with us and for persevering even when you were pulling your hair out.  By the way, the Groelsch Beer people are sending us thank you letters because their sales have gone up in your area and it seems to be directly related to your work on KEEPERSKORNER.

Also, Andzrej, this is one woman you have made very happy.  Thank you so much.

peace and blessings,

keepers