our ALTERnate lifestyle June 15, 2007
Posted by kprsjohn in Uncategorized.trackback
Keepers have always lived a life where many people share this one body. In fact, we have absolutely no memory of a time when this body was occupied by only one person. In fact, keepers trying to comprehend (on any level) what it like to have a body all to oneself is a task that feels too foreign for keepers to deal with. Over the many years since our diagnosis keepers have come to accept our ALTERnate lifestyle as the one that is right for us.
Accepting this as our way of living does not mean that keepers have always gotten along with each other or been fair in their treatment of each other or even cared at all about each other. In fact, I remember times when this therapist or that one would almost hound keepers about getting along better or cutting each other a break or just plain trying to care about each other. I remember too thinking that I, as an alter, had no obligation to care about the others in here. My rationalization was that no one else on this earth cared about the other people who share my body so there was no reason why I should be the first. My logic was that if any of my alters had been worth caring about–someone would have cared about them a long time ago. In essence, I was very good at finding excuses to not care about anyone else in keepers system of alters. Only years later would I come to see that many of our alters were just as expert at copping out when it came to caring about the other people who occupy this one body.
But, now, in today I know that our attitudes towards each other have changed quite drastically. However, I have absolutely no idea when or how the changes came about in how keepers relate to each other or when it was that I began to see the real value of my alters or how it came to be that I now care very much about each one of them. I only know that along my journey, I changed my thinking about the many people who occupy this singular body. As my thinking toward them changed, so did my life.
The truth is that I wasted so many years literally hating the fact that I was forced to live in multiplicity. These were the years when every alter was so desperate for independence from the others that we all seemed to be living completely separate lives. It was the time in my life when chaos and drama reigned supreme and left me feeling like I had no control over anything. It was also the time when our abreactions were at their worst–constantly running as an undercurrent in our system and volatile to the point of being able to erupt at any given moment. I hated my alters because I blamed them for what my life had always been. I resented them for leaving me with so much loss time and so many moments of embarrassment where I found myself dealing with things or people I could not even remember.
But now, my life is very different and my feelings about my alters have changed so much. I have come to realize the I owe keepers a great deal. My little alters came into being to save my life when nothing else would have. My teen alters came to function for me when there was no way I could remain functional. My grown up alters even came into existence so that life would continue in one or another for this body and those who occupy it. Now, there really was a time when I felt nothing but resentment for my alters keeping this body alive when every moment was filled with pain and anguish and emotional or physical torture. I hated them for refusing to let this body just d*e.
But in today, I know that my alters were far wiser than I could have ever been. They saw hope where I had grown hopeless. They knew we were here for a reason and they kept on searching to understand that reason.
Recently someone wrote in a comment on keepers blog that she could have chosen to become cold and heartless but that she would rather not follow that path. I think if I had been the only person in this body, I would have chosen the cold and heartless path because that was all I knew or saw in other people. But my alters did me a great service because they protected by ability to love from being destroyed. They kept my will to live safely tucked away where no abuse could destroy it. My alters somehow managed to make sure that I did not follow that path of hurting others simply because I had been so badly hurt. I can’t thank my alters enough for protecting those parts of me that people were trying so hard to destroy.
In today, the many people who share this body with me are truly my loving family. I owe them my life. I owe them the same love and respect that I give to anyone else. I have learned to appreciate each one of them and I am thankful that we share such common bonds. I can not help but be thankful that they had wisdom and strength to keep this body going when I had none to give.
If it were not for keepers, I could never do KEEPERSKORNER. If my life was that of a singleton I would have no awareness of the strong need multiples have to just know someone cares and will be there for them. But besides that, keepers spend over 8 hours a day running KEEPERSKORNER without other help. Lydia does the office work. Maggie answers phones. I write the blogs. We all share visiting blogs. We do our painting and our drawings. At the end of each day, I am thankful for their help and very grateful for what each alter puts into KEEPERSKORNER.
I know, full well, that keepers have chosen an ALTERnate lifestyle where many people will always share this one body. It is a choice in our lives now because we have grown beyond our abreactions and our chaos and our drama. This ALTERNATE lifestyle is what works for us and what brings joy and peace into my life in today.
peace and blessings,
keepers
Your honesty is one of the things that makes this such a wonderful site. I am far from the place you’re in right now but it helps me so much to know that the place I’m in seems to be part of the process. I hope to be where you are someday.
now thats a good one alter – nate lifestyle fantastic that one stealing to use in future. We are in the position now of seeing how catastrophic things can get when we arent looking out for each other the way we should. We also get teh berating from our T about it but soemtimes in the hope this all just goes away some alters try to do it alone, Ignoring each other means facing multiplicity doesnt exist, perhaps the fact you work together is because the willingness to always hide stopped and therfor the shame started leaving with it. Im not sure just typing whilst thinking aloud.
Catch you in few days.
Joeline (hopefully with someone else in charge then i get to go back home
)
what you have written in here today has touched us.. right now we are doing our best to look after each other.. to listen to each other.. and to help each other know they are cared for and remind them daily.. sometimes we tend to forget to do that.. in the past i used to be frustrated with our inner ones also.. frustrated that they were there and would show up and i would not have knowledge what happened but others would.. it would bother me to no end until i learned to accept it.. and accept them as part of my life and learn to care for them.. now.. they are part of my family and i love each and every one of them.. without them we would not be who we are or where we are today.. they have helped me heal in many ways and stand up and face many things i would not of had to the courage to face on my own.. for that i am truly thankful..
K n all (Dreaming2Fly)
whoops.. we forgot to give yall a big big hug.. (((((((((hugs)))))))))) there you go..
Dear Meadow
We really have no idea where we are in relationship to each other but we do know we have a relationship and that is the most important part to us, we are both able to help each other in different ways and share our thoughts and feelings and that is so healthy for all of us. Try not to make comparisons, just accept that we all in in similar worlds as we journey, some have moved past some points while others have moved past different points and sometimes a situation you had another multiple did not, so remember we will share our feelings with each other, our history and hold each others hand as we move along.
Please, just know that you are not alone on your journey. You and keepers will get through all of this together.
peace and blessings,
keepers
Dear Jolene,
It seemed like forever before keepers learned that our lives were much better when we all worked together and had common goals. This is not an easy part of healing at all but it makes a world of difference in how keepers survive in today.
Hope you have a good trip. Keepers will miss our talks, We hope to hear from you soon.
keepers
Dear Kat n all,
Families are wonderful things when they are based on love and caring for each other. It does not matter whether it is family in the actual world or an internal family like yours and mine. But whenever a group of people are closely knit and live closely together–there will be times of discord and unsettled disagreements. When we love and care about our alters, we realize that this is part of life and that the best thing to do is to continue working out our issues with each other.
peace and blessings,
keepers
Dear Kat n all,
Here are some great big hugs for you guys as well. Remember that keepers are thinking of you and here if you need us.
((((((((((((((((Kat n all))))))))))))))))))))))
peace and blessings,
keepers
My precious keepers,
I love each and every one of you. All of you have a special place in my heart. I know our beloved Savior brought all of you into my life to allow me so many more people to love, as well as protect. I would put my life on the life for any of you as well as John.
All of you have a loving soul and for this I am the one blessed to have met all of you.
As you all know I have had a setback in my health, plus with all of you by my side as well as littlekeeperskorner, emily, and all the others I shall be better in no time.
I was outside earlier tonight and saw the herd grazing and all the new babies baaaaaaaing and I have new names to choose tomorrow. I will also takes some pics for all of you.
My love to you all, and God Bless my family(yes you all are now part of my family).
Katie
Dearest Katie,
Keepers have grown to love you and Kayla as well. You truly are part of our family and we are praying for you to have a quick and full recovery. But keepers have been sitting here asking ourselves what else we can do to help you during this difficult time. We can not know how to help unless you tell us so please feel free to email us and let us know what you could use during these difficult days.
Keepers look at our picture of little girl goat named KEEPERSKORNER and we feel inspired by the hope she represents for us. Each little goat born show keepers how life renews itself at every turn. What a wonderful gift that little girl goat has been to all keepers.
Please stay in touch and let us know how we can be of help.
peace and blessings,
keepers
Your little alters “came into being to save my life when nothing else would have.” Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this. Although I refer to my parts as “My Beautifuls,” I don’t always have the appreciation and compassion for them (or for myself) as I’d like. Thanks for this reminder. I’m so glad this post will be in the blog carnival against child abuse. Excellent choice!
Dear Marj
We are so happy to participate in the anniversary edition of the carnival against child abuse, and we love your calling your parts “my beautifuls”, that is just super in our opinion! Like we said it took us a long time to come to grips with the different keepers and to accept them and what they do in our system. Thank you for visiting us again.
peace and blessings
keepers
it all sounds a bit confusing but good on you for figureing out a path that worked and made you whole. as in at least together
Dear Shade
To be really honest integration was never a practical consideration for us, all we ever wanted was to function together and communicate so we all new what was happening. Too many keepers have things in their memories and abilities that we would fear losing touch with if we were integrated and besides our numbers made it impossible anyway according to every therapist who brought it up. At least the ones we considered to be somewhat intelligent and knowing about MPD/DID
peace and blessings
keepers