Whenever a new blog goes up here at KEEPERSKORNER–it has been written as a collaboration of older keepers who have learned to work well together. Mostly, that is what our blog friends know of us. We have wanted it that way because it has given us a sense of safety in putting our thoughts and feelings out there into cyberspace.

But, here in our studio, keeper’s lives are much more complicated than the words which appear here every day. The life we live is full of little children who have been very badly hurt and damaged in ways that will probably never heal. Yes, these are our internal littles who sometimes get lost in our own personal system of alters.

Our youngest member of our system is an infant girl who–to this day–remains nameless. We believe that it was her all others came to help survive. After all, she was born female in a family that could only accept sons. Our core personality as therapists have labeled her. Then, we have our little one who has always been called THE NOBODY GIRL. Her name came from the fact that no one even saw her as a human being and left her abandoned most of the time. Nobody was who she was so her name suits her quite well. We have our 4 year old alter who began tending to her dying Nana before she ever started school and followed that path for the next eight years. We have our LITTLE DEBBIE, who is strong and angry with clenched fists that turn her little knuckles white. We have MEL, who is not quite 6 and speaks only through sign language without ever muttering a sound. She has never heard the phone ring or even realized that television has sound accompanying the pictures. We have Sara and Christine who are twin sisters (age 7). They are our alters who always try to be perfect in every way to keep things like criticism and ridicule at bay. We also have PATRICK AND TERRENCE (also 7 years old) who are our internal clowns and practical joke players. These two boy alters are also our yeoman who keep the system afloat when we are in danger of going under for the third time. We have a multitude of other alters under the age of 11 but it would take forever to tell you about each of them so we simply say that each one exists and is very much a part of who keepers are.

Our little alters do much better in today than they have ever done before. Partly, because they know big keepers care about them. Also, partly, because our John Michael cares deeply about them too. But the truth is that our internal littles still carry an awful lot of painful truths and agonizing times inside of them. Even in today, our littles remain open to trusting overmuch which constantly leaves them vulnerable to new hurts each and every day.

More deeply than any big keeper, our littles carry the hurt that comes from our past and from things like the way our external children treat us. This is an area where even big keepers can do so little to help. We know our internal littles never wanted anything more than to be loved and to be given a chance to find happiness. We fully believe that keepers parents knew full well about keepers so their harm to our littles can only be seen as fully intentional. Our external children had personal relationships with our little alters and even called them by name. So, the hurt they have caused keepers seems just as intentional as what our mom and dad caused us. So, even in today–it is not an easy world for little keepers to survive in.

It took big keepers years and years to understand that our little alters were not freaks or monsters or even demons in any way. They are just little boys and girls who happened to be born into a family that can only hate them. But it is not their faults in any way and, when given the chance, they prove to bigs what good little boys and girls they are. In fact, it was only when bigs came to see that we would not be alive today if our littles had not come to join our system along the way.

For so long, keepers grieved the fact that we had such an awful and painful childhood. Still, we fought to just let it go. After all, that time has passed in our lives. There is no sense in wanting what we were never meant to have. So, we tried hard to bury our little alters away and pretend that we were okay with what life held for us. But not for one second did this work for anyone in our system.

A few years ago, a very wise friend told me that it was time for keepers to give our littles their happy childhood. At first we balked at this advice–claiming the body was too old and that it was much too late to have the things or do those things that would have made us happy so many years ago.

But somewhere along the way, something did change in keepers that made us able to back off on our demands and expectations of our little alters. We gave them a home that is soothing and safe for them. We filled every nook and cranny of KEEPERSKORNER with smells that delight our littles and running waterfalls to soothe their aching hearts. We began letting our John Michael take our littles on outings to the zoo or to Grant’s Farm or even to our local amusement park. They now have stuffed animals to cuddle with and bedtime stories that they love. They get to have snow cones in summer and chocolate cake in winter. They have birthday parties with only John Michael in attendance but they get to play and sing and laugh like they never ever have before.

More and more, our little keepers have smiles on their faces and think a little less about the hurts they have endured. Some mornings, they even wake up early because they are so excited about what they get to do that day. Instead of cowering in fear all the time–they now have moments when they dance freely to the music playing on our cd player. And, yes, our littles now go to bed exhausted at night and sleep until the morning light beams in our window to wake them up.

I can not say that our little keepers have healed from all that has happened. I do not even know if that would ever be possible. But I can tell that each one is now having his or her happy childhood and enjoying it so very much. In fact, there are even moments in today where our internal littles forget all about the hurt and just have fun being the little children that they were meant to be.

You see, it is really true that IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO HAVE OUR HAPPY CHILDHOOD.

peace and blessings,

keepers