Please visit us at keeperskorner.com –click the GALLERIES tab on the home page and scroll down to our GUEST GALLERY button.  There you will find new pieces  which are done by Judie Hansen–an artist/philosopher who has become a dear friend and an inspiration to all keepers.  We hope you enjoy viewing Judie’s work just as KEEPERSKORNER has enjoyed bringing it to you.  Prices on Judie’s work and puchasing options are presently available by using our CONTACT US tab where we can give you the information you are seeking.

The work of other new artists will be up in our GuestGallery over the next few weeks.  We have so many wonderful pieces that we are looking forward to sharing with you.  Also, should you have an interest in having your art pieces join our Guest Gallery please use our CONTACT US tab on KEEPERSKORNER so that we may make arrangements to view your work and possibly add it to our GUEST GALLERY.  This is a free service offered to multiples and abuse survivors.  We hope you will take advantage of this offer to get your work displayed.

Also, the POETRY SECTION of our GUEST GALLERY has several new poems that have only just been added.  These are poems written by our cyber friends that keepers find either inspirational or profound in some way.  Many of the authors live in multiplicity like keepers do.  Some are abuse survivors with true poetic talent.  We invite you to read each poem and get to know our cyber friends a little better.  Just double click each framed piece containing a poem and it will enlarge so it can be read quite easily.

Again, we would love to add poetry done by other multiples or abuse survivors to our GUEST GALLERY.  If you would like to submit some of your work to the gallery, please use the CONTACT US button on our home page so we can discuss this further with you.

We at KEEPERSKORNER are very excited to have our site growing once again.  We invite you to visit and see what our guest artists have to offer.  We also invite you to join our gallery by submitting some of your own work.

We look forward to hearing from you,

peace and blessings,

keepers

Just the other night Beth was sitting on the phone talking with a young friend of hers.  The conversation was about girl things and Beth was having fun sharing with someone her own age.  After Beth hung up the phone, she went to John Michael and told him that she was ready to go back to her art work.  It was as simple as that.  Beth’s artistic block had been broken though none of us are sure exactly how.  But it felt so good to watch Beth get to work on a new piece the next morning.

Somewhere along the way, Veronica (our alter who does things like dancing and other physical activities) had established a new yoga routine for keepers that seems to be working well.  She has us starting our day with a simple beginner’s routine.  Then, in late afternoon we work a little with our power yoga and late in the evening we work with our ashtanga yoga.  I know that sounds like a lot but each session last maybe half an hour at the most.  Anyway, being back to our daily routine of threading yoga throughout our waking hours has felt wonderful and brought new energy to our system.

Our waterfalls are running from morning til night again.  This keeps the mood of our studio feeling very serene and safe.  Our aromatherapy is being used again.  Since it is spring, we are using the rose scent mixed with honeysuckle while we work.  The smell is wonderful and draws keepers away from any odors that may be triggering for us.

Keepers are also back to eating on a regular basis.  We had lost our appetite for a while and just could not maintain regular eating while we were feeling so bad.  But it is good to feel strong and able again from having a regular healthy diet in our lives.

Only as keepers have returned to our routine that enables us to thrive have we come to realize how very important it is to be committed to the routine that has proven itself to work for us.  When keepers are going downhill like we have been these last couple of months–we manage to shut our eyes to how much our daily routine helps all keepers to thrive.  Unfortunately, this time, we let go of our routine enough that we found it very difficult to reestablish but we are glad we finally got there.

Keepers healing journey has been a very long and difficult one.  We have gone through so many ups and so many downs that we lost count long ago.  We have fallen down time and time again when keepers decide to just stay down and not even try any more.  For a while, at least.  We have lived a life that has been chock full of the worst of times.  These last few years, though, keepers have also come to experience the best of times.

Whatever happens from here, keepers know one thing.  By maintaining the routine we have found that works for us we can handle whatever life brings our way.  We know that our road will have the worst of times again but we know, too, how to get through those times and continue to find ourselves thriving in spite of them.

Keepers have learned one great lesson these last couple of months.  Our thriving is an internal phenomenon that depends solely on keepers.  It is influenced by outside events.  That is certainly true.  But the thriving is something that happens inside of us and therefore something keepers control no matter what the outside world throws at us.

Thriving is something that keepers can give up every now and then for whatever reason.  But thriving is not something anyone can ever take away from keepers because we will always find our way back to what works for our system.

The easel awaits Beth.

peace and blessings,

keepers

This morning, keepers wrote and put up a blog entitled DEPENDABILITY which expressed our frustrations over some things happening here at KEEPERSKORNER.  As soon as we hit the PUBLISH key, we began walking around waiting for the emails and phone calls where others are saying to us “How dare you feel frustrated with this or with that!!!” In truth, we were thankful that keepers had a meeting this afternoon and would not be in our studio.  We had taken our shower and put on makeup and fixed our hair so that we would be ready to walk out the door when our John Michael showed up on his lunch hour to take us to said meeting.  However, less than two minutes before he got home–a phone call came telling me that the meeting had been canceled and would be rescheduled later in the week.  So John and keepers had a quick lunch.  Then, he headed back to work and keepers took off our dress and slipped into shorts so that we would be cooler this afternoon.  It was nobody’s fault that this meeting was put off but added to everything else keepers are dealing with, the cancellation of today raised our frustration levels even higher.

After John left for work again, I was sitting here thinking about no one would understand why keepers are feeling so frustrated right now.  After all, the things we talk about in our DEPENDABILITY blog are just common courtesies that keepers would appreciate but seldom receive.  Much of our frustration is coming from difficulties that keepers have already learned to live with so I began looking inside and questioning why these things are upsetting keepers so much right now.

Whether it is with ourselves or with others, keepers always find that it is very important to look beyond the facts that are presented and see what the real truth is that has been hidden deep away.  So, after letting go of our meeting for today, we began looking really hard for the facts that are not on the surface in our lives right now.

1.)  The niece who contacted keepers a couple of weeks ago–just before she was going into treatment for her own addiction–never made it to the appointed drug rehab program.  In fact, she seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.  Her own father has no idea where she is at this point.  A truth that keepers know is breaking our brother’s heart.  In many ways, it is breaking keepers hearts as well.  We do not know this young woman well.  She lives on the other side of the country from keepers and getting together has been a seldom thing with us. We have only met her once in our lives but she is our niece and we have followed her life story as she has grown up.  We can empathize with what she is going through simply because we know how difficult it is to be a young girl or a young woman in this family.  Our niece reached out to us and was very kind in the words she wrote to keepers.  We could sense her fear and her feelings of aloneness and, yes, even her feelings of vulnerability.  On top of that, we know the good heart of this one brother who is her father.  He has fought his own addictive demons and struggles every day to stay sober.  I know that only because of the family we come from and the intense addictive behaviors we all have.  He has grown very weary from worrying about his daughter and from raising her young son at a time when our brother is no longer young or an endless font of energy.

At this point, keepers are very worried about this brother because he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  We are very worried about our niece because she really is such a sweet young woman who holds so much promise but can not break an addiction that began for her when she was all of 16.  We feel so frustrated because we care so much and can do so little.  That sense of being helpless always drives keepers crazy because we know that every problem has a solution but we have no wisdom to come up with the answer for these two people who mean so much to keepers.  For us, this is making life feel very ironic.  We receive emails and comments often about how keepers have helped this abuse survivor or another multiple.  Yet, keepers are constantly faced with the truth that we have no power to help those in our own family.

Second, things are very bad with our brother who now has such a serious alcohol problem.  (Not the same brother as the one above).  He is our younger brother, as well, though and keepers love him very much.  It has been two years since we brought him into our home and tried to help only to face the truth that our efforts (both financially and emotionally) were completely wasted.  I am told that this brother’s health is extremely bad in today which makes sense because he drinks to the point of being comatose with great frequency.  He has lost his law license.  He has had his home foreclosed on.  He has attempted su*cide on the side of the road.  He has been in psychiatric hospitals.  He has spent much time in ICU with physical life and death issues.  He has truly depleted his support system by continually making no effort to begin his own healing.

As recently as two weeks ago, this brother was living in an Oxford House for recovering alcoholics.  He had a job but keepers have no idea what he was doing.  Then, one evening our sister called to find out if we knew where our brother was.  He had walked out on the home he was living in and abandoned his job leaving behind bonus checks and his pay check.

It seems that this brother got a cabin on one of the rivers in our state and has spent the last two weeks in a totally drunken state.  I am told that he has even sold his car for cash so that he would have more money for booze.  We know that he must be severely malnourished because he never eats anything while he is drinking.  Needless to say, things are getting worse each and every day in this situation.  Things are so bad that our other brother (the father of our niece) is convinced that this brother is acting out a su*cide plan that will come to an end soon.

The truth about our alcoholic brother is that this is the worst addictive situation keepers have ever seen. ( We have been involved in many of these situations so our words are saying a lot. )  Our brother has no desire at all to stop drinking or to be in real recovery.  For some reason, this is the path our brother wants to be on and any attempts to help or even show caring are futile at best.  So, keepers have begun waiting for that fateful phone call that will tell us our brother is gone from this earth.

Keepers are living with underlying frustration running constantly.  The police have told us that the person writing the Munchkin comments is a severely disturbed human being.  So much so that we have been instructed to send those comments to spam in order to prevent putting John and keepers through any more. Everyone tells us that the person writing those is not our daughter which keepers believe for the most part.  But, we know too that there is a one in a million chance that it is our daughter who is so severely disturbed.  We feel frustrated because this person will not call us or even email us in a way that we  can respond so we are completely helpless to ease the suffering of whoever is writing.

Keepers are frustrated because we love our niece yet can do nothing at all but pray for her.  Keepers are frustrated because we feel desperate to help our alcoholic brother yet are powerless to do anything positive or constructive in his situation.

So, it was probably much easier for keepers to begin today feeling frustrated over the things going wrong with KEEPERSKORNER than to sit back and look at the reality of our frustration.  Munchkin and our niece and our brother are all people who are deeply entrenched in keepers hearts and feeling powerless is so frustrating for our system.

So that is keepers situation.  We l0ve each of these people deeply yet can do nothing to help. To us, it only makes sense to focus on the little frustrations because our big deep down frustrations feel way too overwhelming to even think about.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers grew up in a world where nothing was ever predictable and counting on anything was, indeed, foolish for us to do. We could think things were safe and, in a split second, our world would turn upside down and anything good would suddenly turn very bad.  Most children woke up most days knowing he/she would eat breakfast–board the school bus–learn math and science and history and English before reboarding the school bus for his/her ride home.  This was never the case for keepers–in spite of the fact that our mother was a teacher and knew the importance of education.  Summers and weekends were even more unpredictable and unsettling for keepers.

Because of our background, keepers came into adulthood wanting so much to have things we could count on.  It hurts keepers very much when someone claims to be our friend but consistently fails to return phone calls.  It cuts us to the quick when someone makes a promise to us and then disregards that promise without even calling to let us know that promise is going to be broken.  It destroys our self esteem to spend a day cooking a dinner only to have our guests just simply not show up.  These types of things take keepers back in time to when life was completely unpredictable for us and brings out emotions that are better of left buried inside our system.

In today, these things are just a fact of life–not only for keepers but for everyone we encounter in our lives.  People do not see the importance of returning a phone call.  Nor do they put value on their own promises.  Instead, the promises made mean nothing any more.  In fact, as keepers have come to understand that things like work ethics have long been lost out there in the world.

The truth is that the world is never going to change and working with keepers sensitivities is too much to ask of anyone.  So, the best thing keepers can do is change ourselves to a point where we can be okay with the phone calls that do not get returned or the promises that never seem to be kept or the dinners that go to waste because our guest chose to not show up and not call.  Keepers need to find a point where we can maintain some self-esteem and be happy in spite of the fact that this is an inconsiderate world where things like predictability no longer exist.  Not and easy task for us to take on but a very necessary one for keepers to master.

Life here at KEEPERSKORNER has been one long lesson in keepers learning to live with unpredictability.  We wake up each morning not knowing what work we will be able to get done because we never have any idea what phone calls will be returned or when our updates will be done or if the U.S. will finally deliver that package that was mailed to us weeks ago.  We never know if our spiritual director will show up for our 2:00 appointment or if she chose to stay late at her luncheon that day.  We never know if this will be the day when art work is dropped off for us to mat and frame.  We never know when someone is going to call and tell us that they need their work done today but the items needed to do the work have yet to arrive.  We never know if this will be the day when keepers get blind sighted by someone who is angry with us for feeling frustrated.  We never know if this will be the day when we finally hear something about our former therapist.  We never know if this will be the day when if this will be the day when our external children attack again in comments that the police and others tell us to simply delete without even opening or reading.

Because of keepers background unpredictability is very hard for us to handle.  So many things hurt keepers so badly even though we have no right to feel that pain.  Still, that unpredictability is an integral part of our doing KEEPERSKORNER so it is something we are learning to deal with by showing grace and dignity in the face of our own great frustration and hurt.

I think that anyone keepers have promised to call will tell you that they can count on that call coming in when promised.  I think that anyone who is expecting a package from KEEPERSKORNER will tell you that package arrives with haste and predictability.  I think that anyone who has a promise from us here at KEEPERSKORNER will find that the promise is kept and that we see through whatever we say we will do.

Now, I know that some people are going to tell me that keepers are full of ourselves for saying what I say in the above paragraph.  But, I do not think that is true at all.  i think that keepers know the hurt of unreturned phone calls and broken promises and being last on someone’s priority list.  We live with these hurts each and every day just as we did as little children.  We work hard to make ourselves predictable and dependable because we do not ever want to cause others the kind of hurt that keepers constantly live with.

I know, too, that people say that keepers are selfish for feeling frustrated.  I apologize for feeling that way because keepers know we have no right to feel it.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Whenever a new blog goes up here at KEEPERSKORNER–it has been written as a collaboration of older keepers who have learned to work well together. Mostly, that is what our blog friends know of us. We have wanted it that way because it has given us a sense of safety in putting our thoughts and feelings out there into cyberspace.

But, here in our studio, keeper’s lives are much more complicated than the words which appear here every day. The life we live is full of little children who have been very badly hurt and damaged in ways that will probably never heal. Yes, these are our internal littles who sometimes get lost in our own personal system of alters.

Our youngest member of our system is an infant girl who–to this day–remains nameless. We believe that it was her all others came to help survive. After all, she was born female in a family that could only accept sons. Our core personality as therapists have labeled her. Then, we have our little one who has always been called THE NOBODY GIRL. Her name came from the fact that no one even saw her as a human being and left her abandoned most of the time. Nobody was who she was so her name suits her quite well. We have our 4 year old alter who began tending to her dying Nana before she ever started school and followed that path for the next eight years. We have our LITTLE DEBBIE, who is strong and angry with clenched fists that turn her little knuckles white. We have MEL, who is not quite 6 and speaks only through sign language without ever muttering a sound. She has never heard the phone ring or even realized that television has sound accompanying the pictures. We have Sara and Christine who are twin sisters (age 7). They are our alters who always try to be perfect in every way to keep things like criticism and ridicule at bay. We also have PATRICK AND TERRENCE (also 7 years old) who are our internal clowns and practical joke players. These two boy alters are also our yeoman who keep the system afloat when we are in danger of going under for the third time. We have a multitude of other alters under the age of 11 but it would take forever to tell you about each of them so we simply say that each one exists and is very much a part of who keepers are.

Our little alters do much better in today than they have ever done before. Partly, because they know big keepers care about them. Also, partly, because our John Michael cares deeply about them too. But the truth is that our internal littles still carry an awful lot of painful truths and agonizing times inside of them. Even in today, our littles remain open to trusting overmuch which constantly leaves them vulnerable to new hurts each and every day.

More deeply than any big keeper, our littles carry the hurt that comes from our past and from things like the way our external children treat us. This is an area where even big keepers can do so little to help. We know our internal littles never wanted anything more than to be loved and to be given a chance to find happiness. We fully believe that keepers parents knew full well about keepers so their harm to our littles can only be seen as fully intentional. Our external children had personal relationships with our little alters and even called them by name. So, the hurt they have caused keepers seems just as intentional as what our mom and dad caused us. So, even in today–it is not an easy world for little keepers to survive in.

It took big keepers years and years to understand that our little alters were not freaks or monsters or even demons in any way. They are just little boys and girls who happened to be born into a family that can only hate them. But it is not their faults in any way and, when given the chance, they prove to bigs what good little boys and girls they are. In fact, it was only when bigs came to see that we would not be alive today if our littles had not come to join our system along the way.

For so long, keepers grieved the fact that we had such an awful and painful childhood. Still, we fought to just let it go. After all, that time has passed in our lives. There is no sense in wanting what we were never meant to have. So, we tried hard to bury our little alters away and pretend that we were okay with what life held for us. But not for one second did this work for anyone in our system.

A few years ago, a very wise friend told me that it was time for keepers to give our littles their happy childhood. At first we balked at this advice–claiming the body was too old and that it was much too late to have the things or do those things that would have made us happy so many years ago.

But somewhere along the way, something did change in keepers that made us able to back off on our demands and expectations of our little alters. We gave them a home that is soothing and safe for them. We filled every nook and cranny of KEEPERSKORNER with smells that delight our littles and running waterfalls to soothe their aching hearts. We began letting our John Michael take our littles on outings to the zoo or to Grant’s Farm or even to our local amusement park. They now have stuffed animals to cuddle with and bedtime stories that they love. They get to have snow cones in summer and chocolate cake in winter. They have birthday parties with only John Michael in attendance but they get to play and sing and laugh like they never ever have before.

More and more, our little keepers have smiles on their faces and think a little less about the hurts they have endured. Some mornings, they even wake up early because they are so excited about what they get to do that day. Instead of cowering in fear all the time–they now have moments when they dance freely to the music playing on our cd player. And, yes, our littles now go to bed exhausted at night and sleep until the morning light beams in our window to wake them up.

I can not say that our little keepers have healed from all that has happened. I do not even know if that would ever be possible. But I can tell that each one is now having his or her happy childhood and enjoying it so very much. In fact, there are even moments in today where our internal littles forget all about the hurt and just have fun being the little children that they were meant to be.

You see, it is really true that IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO HAVE OUR HAPPY CHILDHOOD.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers grew up in the midst of the Viet Nam War.  In fact, we were in our first and only full year of college when Kent State happened.  Many of our friends who fought in Viet Nam came home having lost a limb or having given part of their sanity to the efforts over there but most of our friends came home in body bags.  Unfortunately, not one of them had reached the age of 21 when they went to war over there.  Still, each one of the men or boys who left home to fight in Viet Nam was a true hero in every sense of the word.  Even though it is now many years later keepers are thinking of our lost hero friends this Memorial Day just as we always have.

But Memorial Day also causes keepers to pause and think about all the unsung heroes in this world–the people who take on huge tasks and change the world a little bit by showing kindness and compassion to others.  Good therapists who work well with MPD/DID are unsung heroes on this earth.  They go above and beyond the call of duty and do so much to make the path easier for those who suffer with the issues of living in multiplicity.  The neighbor who reaches out a friendly hand to someone down the street who happens to be homebound is also an unsung hero–giving from her heart and letting that person know  he/she really does matter to someone is an unsung hero that few even ever know about.  The son or daughter who treats his/her aging parents with caring and respect is an unsung hero because, in today, so many sons and daughters just turn away out of anger and disgust.  The little girl who makes pretty greeting cards by hand and sends them to her lonely friends is an unsung hero because she is constantly making days brighter for others.  In other words, many of the ordinary and every day people in our lives (those we tend to take for granted) are just as much heroes as anyone else on this earth.  The problem is that they are heroes in a much quieter and much less obvious way which means they do not get the ticker tape parades or accolades that more obvious heroes get.

Many of keepers friends who went off to war in Viet Nam told us that they had found a cause that was worth dying for which many of them did.  Our son said the same to keepers when he wanted to join the service and fight in Desert Storm.  Each one of these men was a truly great man who had a found a cause they saw as worth dying for.  We thank them for their strength and courage.  We love them for the human beings we knew them as.  We let them go because the time has come.

But the other heroes of which we speak are just as much heroes and doing a great deal to change the face of America on a much smaller and less obvious plane.  These are the unsung heroes who have found causes that are worth living for.  These are the heroes who touch people’s hearts every day and so often bring a smile in the midst of unending tears. Keepers thank these unsung heroes from the bottoms of our hearts for just being the human beings that they are.

Keepers will spend tomorrow honoring those men who have been laid to rest after having lost their lives in war.  We will grieve the friends we have, personally, lost in wars.  We will also celebrate the unsung heroes who have come our way and shown us what it means to have a cause worth living for.

peace and blessings,

keepers

The nights here at KEEPERSKORNER are usually very quiet and restful. Both John and keepers fall asleep relatively quickly once we get to be around midnight. We usually go around 6 full hours while hearing nothing from nobody.We always know that Max and Owen (our two kitty cats who happen to be brothers) are off somewhere in the front of the house doing their nocturnal thing which means a good wrestling match in the living room or a well run race up and down the basement steps. Mostly, though, all we ever hear is the occasional meow when one bites the other too hard or the pittar patter of little paws as the boys (Max and Owen) try to get the better of each other in a nocturnal race through the house. Both John and keepers have adjusted to all the activity that goes on during the night with the boys. We have gotten to the point where we sleep quite well and the house seems very quiet in spite of our boys active night life.

Right now, it is 10:00 on Saturday morning here at KEEPERSKORNER. John is still asleep and keepers just woke up a few minutes ago. This is very odd because we are both usually up and at work by 6 or 7 each morning. But keepers do not have the heart to wake up our John Michael because, like us, we were kept awake most of the night by our two kitty cats.

I have no idea what was going on around here but this morning keepers really do feel like we spent the night seeing Max and Owen at their very worst–which was not a pleasant experience in any way.

Max spent most of the night perched on the windowsill in our bedroom. He was watching something taking place outside on the ground below. Now, Max loves to do this but it always worries me because I fear he will try to climb the screen and push it out thereby attaining a freedom John and keepers have worked hard to prevent for the last 3 years. So, this alone causes keepers to wake up every few minutes just to make sure Max is still contained in the house and that the screen is still in it’s proper position. But Max at our window last night was more like a dog baying at the moon in kitty cat language–if that makes any sense. He would be quiet for ten or fifteen minutes and then begin with these gut wrenching noises that would up both John and keepers.

Owen is a cat who never gets up on our bed while we are sleeping. We think this has to do with him respecting the territory our dear Shakespear had already marked when we brought the boys home for the first time. Well, anyway, Owen chose last night to begin completely disregarding his respect for long deceased Shakespeare and was up on the bed climbing all over both John and keepers. He weighs in at over 16 pounds so his walking on us from head to toe carried a weight that was quite uncomfortable. The pitter patter of his little paws as he walked the legnth of keepers also felt a little aggravating by 1:00 in the morning. You can imagine how they felt by 7 am. Owen was also head butting keepers for no apparent reason. That was bad enough but a few times he head butted the wall at the top of our bed which made keepers sit up to check and see if the poor fellow was okay. A couple of times, Owen curled up right next to me and I thought we were falling asleep together. But if my hand moved to pet him for even a second–he was up and we were going through all of this again.

Both Max and Owen are declawed in their front paws. Still, they often seem to try and sharpen those missing claws on our box springs which creates and irritating noise and makes us wonder if our boys have any real brains at all. Weel, throughout the night last night, it seemed like one or the other of our boys was trying to sharpen his claws constantly. To keepers, that sound is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Needless to say, Max and Owen were really getting on our nerves with their constant non-existent claw sharpening throughout the night.

Before long last night, my radar had honed in on the sound of our boys barreling down the hall in hot pursuit of who knows what. My radar was activated because they were continually running full speed down the hall–jumping on our bed in spite of the two sleeping bodies–wrestled for a moment–ran to the other side of the bed and jumped down with two huge thuds.

Here at KEEPERSKORNER, a good night’s sleep was had by no one. Max and Owen truly seemed to be at their worst last night and gave us no peace at all. But now that morning is here and I feel like I am walking around in some kind of drowsy stupor–Max and Owen are sound asleep in the rocker. They get to enjoy resting up for tonight!!!!!!

peace and blessings,(to everyone including Max and Owen)
keepers

Keepers have several alters inside that we consider artists or crafts people.  We have a calligrapher who was probably the first artist we discovered living among us.  Her name is Sara Christine.  Then we have Ellen who does the watercolors and Maggie who works with pastels and Beth who works with markers and colored pencils.  We also have an alter named Yashi who does Sumi art but none of her work has been put in our Galleries yet.  The point I am trying to make is that keepers have many alters in our system who are dedicated to their artwork and find great satisfaction in each piece produced on whatever level.

For all keepers to get thrown off track as artists is a pretty major thing because, usually, another artistic alter comes out and simply veers our creative flow in a different direction.  When keepers are feeling hurt or sad, this is what happens.  The flow of creativity must continue because that is how our system survives.  Even when keepers feel like we are no good at anything our creative flow is propelled forward simply because keepers feel that desperation to do that one masterpiece that will give us worth as artists.  The one feeling or sense, however, that always brings keepers art work to a halt is when our system feels threatened in a way that leaves us knowing we are being intimidated by outside forces.  This is what has been happening to keepers and our artwork these last couple of months.

Yesterday, Ellen tried very hard to paint.  She stood at the easel (her piece has already been blocked in for a while now) trying and trying to do any stroke that would signify the end of her being blocked as an artist.  Then she took down the piece she wanted to work on and tried doing an abstract where there could be much more freedom in her strokes.  That did not work either so she left the easel and went back to doing other things–feeling quite disappointed in herself and very discouraged that our artistic block has not been broken as of yet.

This is one of those times when I am glad that keepers have such an incredible stubborn streak which always propels us to keep persevering–even when we are convinced that not one of us is really getting anywhere.  Right now, that very stubborness is very critical to our system. This afternoon, it will have us back at either the easel or the drafting table (depending on which artist is out) trying to break our creative block in one or another. No success today will simply mean we try again tomorrow and the next day and the next until we reach that moment where our artistic flow is back in place and our work is once again our passion instead of our greatest challenge like it is right now.

A therapist once told keepers that as long as we are still painting or drawing our system will be okay in spite of our bad times.  Over many years, this has proven to be true.  When we are at our worst, keepers need to be in touch with our creative flow because that is what frees up our system and enables us to continue on our healing journey.that is why it is so important for this creative block to be broken and our artistic flow set free once more.

I have no idea when keepers will be actively back to work as artists but I know it can’t come soon enough for us.  We need that and we want it very badly so we will keep on trying until that point where we know we are all back on our artistic track and things are flowing freely once more for us.

peace and blessings,

keepers

It looks like things are beginning to get back to normal here at KEEPERSKORNER. People are pulling together to help us with our resource work for a fellow friend who lives in multiplicity. Our website is ready to begin moving forward, which feels very exciting for all keepers. Soon, new pieces will be up in our GUEST GALLERY as well as our other galleries. We are beginning to close in on getting the changes we need made to our site. Our toll free number (1.888.752.9070) has been quite active all along but is now bringing us new friends who live in multiplicity and just need to know someone really does care and, best of all, we at KEEPERSKORNER are experiencing the excitement of beginning again and finding ourselves on a whole level in terms of strength and unity.

Our system of alters has been feeling very bad lately. We have been on a downward spiral and could find no way to pull ourselves back into balance. In fact, something inside of us had given up on our yoga and our art work and our dream of KEEPERSKORNER. COM continuing to be of help to other multiples and other abuse survivors. The truth is that when keepers get to feeling so poorly, we completely forget how much hope there is in our lives and we fail to notice the love that surrounds us in today. Only as we begin to pull out of our own personal funk do we realize that the world we live in now is a very special place that is full of wonderful people.

Keepers know that beginning again with KEEPERSKORNER means that something will have changed for the better and and we will find even more happiness in what we do than ever before. The last couple of months have left keepers feeling like we were losing all that we had worked so hard to establish. Now, we understand why we had to go through that for so long. Keepers had to know in our hearts how very precious KEEPERSKORNER is to us and how very much it means for us to wake up each morning having a sense of being committed to something we see as worthwhile. Only by going through a period of of grieving the loss of our ministry here at KEEPERSKORNER could we refocus on how precious this is to all keepers. Now, we can get back to work with a whole new appreciation for the gift we have been given through our website.

Just yesterday, keepers would have said that our time of doing KEEPERSKORNER on the net had come to an end. Our internal dialog had turned to figuring out how we could continue KEEPERSKORNER in a different way that did not depend on cyberspace to carry the word out to the world for us. But, then, this morning we woke up to a brighter and happier world where we know that we are still on the right path by working through our website.

Keepers know that–for us– the real killer in this world is our sense of aloneness. Our sense of complete aloneness does not have to be our reality in today for the truth of it to swallow keepers up. Our feelings of aloneness can erupt from the years we spent looking into therapists eyes only to see that we had been labeled freaks by the “experts” on the human psyche. It could come from all of our memories of moments when people let us know that there is no understanding of why keepers are so sensitive to how people treat us. Or maybe it just simply comes from the constant demeaning and rejection that is ours any time we have contact with a family member. Keepers really have no idea. All we know is that the aloneness is the killer for our system.

Last night was a night when our toll free number (1.888.752.9070) was very busy. In fact, we were splitting things up between the toll free number and IMing with people who just needed a friend to chat with. The one thing everyone we spoke to had in common was the fact that each felt very alone and like no one wanted to bother with them. The more we were talking with people, the more keepers knew that giving up on KEEPERSKORNER was not even an option because, if nothing else, we could let others know that someone does really care and will hang in there with them.

This seems like a very good time to tell you what we do on our toll free line. Sometimes, therapists contact KEEPERSKORNER when said therapist is going on vacation. We are just simply asked to maintain contact with the multiple until the therapist returns. Others have clients who are given things like affirmations or letters from their therapists or something else that the multiple is supposed to read daily. KEEPERSKORNER comes into play because when we make our daily contact with that multiple, we listen as she reads the affirmations or whatever. Keepers might comment on how true the words are but little more than that is said.

In truth, keepers have learned a great deal by talking on our toll free number. We have spoken with many fellow artists which has been inspiring–to say the least–for us. We have learned a lot about horses because one of our phone friends owns a horse. We spend many hours talking about our pets. Much of those conversations focus on kitty cats but dogs do come up with their owners quite a bit as well. We have learned many things about little alters like which stories they love to hear and what each one’s favorite color is. Keepers have learned a lot about Oragami and Soduku puzzles and how little girls bedrooms are being decorated in today. We have had phone calls where someone just wanted to share good news from her life. We have had phone calls from littles who were just feeling sad or alone and needed to hear a friendly voice. We have had many discussions about this food or that food. How to make it or how it tastes are what foods are someone’s favorites.

Yes, our phone conversations sometimes go deeper than this. We have had talks about body memories. We have spoken about the struggles of living in multiplicity. Too many hours have been spent listening to someone in a system telling us how that system is getting what they deserve and how their abuse was somehow their fault. Keepers have been asked a million questions about our multiplicity and we try to answer each question honestly while keeping the conversation in a very safe mode.

More and more, keepers are hearing and experiencing what awesome human beings multiples really are. Our respect for those who live in multiplicity grows every single day. We spend a lot of time telling other multiples that we believe they deserve to be happy and to feel free. We spend much time talking about how keepers learned that our abuse was in no way our faults and that this is true for other abuse survivors as well.

Keepers have gotten to know another Nana who is much like us and we have gotten to know computer experts that have helped us so much and we have gotten to know someone who has only been diagnosed for a year and another system that is struggling half way around the world and we have learned a lot about illnesses like Fibro and Lupus and MS. Getting to understand these illnesses has helped keepers because we know people in our actual world who suffer these same afflictions and our compassion for them has grown as we have come to comprehend what they are having to endure.

Anyway, KEEPERSKORNER is actively beginning again with work on the site being done and our passion for blogging coming back and our thriving through yoga having fallen back into place. Now, all keepers have to do is get back to our easel and our art work. Someone suggested we begin by trying to do an abstract where there are no rules. We have never done this before but it sounds like a very good place for us to begin again as artists.

peace and blessings,

keepers

***DON’T GIVE UP 5 MINUTES BEFORE YOUR MIRACLE HAPPENS***

Keepers believe, very strongly, in things like miracles and even Divine Intervention. If nothing else, we know that these things are bestowed on others with intense regularity. We know that because keepers have sat on the sidelines of life and watched as others have received their own personal miracles and as Divine Intervention turned their lives around. Keepers know, too, that we have been sent some very special miracles during our time on this earth. We have a strong sense of that but not clear memories of our miracles right now. You see, when keepers are doing well and feeling strong, we are able to look at our lives and see the miracles that have come our way. But, when keepers are doing  not so well and are hurting pretty badly–our vision seems to cloud and we can sense our miracles but seeing them clearly feels way beyond our abilities. The same goes for the Divine Intervention that has occurred for us over our years on this earth.

In times like these (when hurt and frustration seems to be keepers foundation) we know that following our 5 MINUTE RULE is simply a matter of keepers having blind faith and trusting what feels so completely untrustable to us. In fact, the words DON’T GIVE UP 5 MINUTES BEFORE OUR MIRACLE HAPPENS becomes our Mantra that we repeat to ourselfs over and over again throughout any given day. Yes, the memories of keepers miracles having happened seems distant and vague–unclear in every way. But somewhere inside of us is the knowledge that God has indeed sent us many miracles over the years and the blind faith to simply know that God is still at work in our lives–giving us the constant hope that our miracle is only 5 minutes away even as I type.

Keepers last therapist was a woman who made fun of keepers for believing so strongly in both miracles and Divine Intervention. She told us our beliefs were nothing more than our magical thinking and totally unrealistic because we had never done anything to deserve things like miracles or for God to intervene on our behalf in any way. Mostly, keepers have laid this therapists words to rest because we simply know that there have always been forces much greater than keepers at work in our lives. But when doubt and discouragement overwhelm our system–we do revisit this woman’s words and wonder (for a moment or two) if she was right about us and our magical thinking.

But someone in our system is ever present to remind keepers that miracles do not have to always be these huge life transforming moments when all that is wrong becomes ok again. Nor does Divine Intervention always have to be so profound that it is easily recognizable. Sometimes, the miracles can be so small that they seem to buy us only moments of relief while we hang on for the next five minutes of our rule. The Divine Intervention can be so subtle that keepers do not even see that it is occuring. In hindsight, keepers are good at seeing these things as they occur but as we move through our difficult times, we barely notice they are being sent to us.

The God that keepers grew up knowing and believing in would never have sent us even the smallest miracle. We learned only of a wrathful God who always saw keepers as unworthy and who punished us far more than helped us. That God carried around a tally sheet where He kept track of every sin keepers had to pay for. One column was our Venial Sins that we seemed to commit continually. Another column was our Mortal Sins that were ever eating away at our soul. On Saturday afternoon, keepers would confess our sins to the priest. On Sunday morning we would hear in Church how unworthy we were and how God would get us for our sins because we could never truly be forgiven. This is the God that keepers have known most of our lives. As strange as it may sound, keepers fully believed in miracles even as we were believing in a God that others taught us would only bring us punishment and suffering on this earth. In today, keepers know that we must have been receiving both miracles and Divine Intervention throughout our childhood because we made it through our abusive years when we really should not have.

right now, keepers are going through a time when it truly feels like God has not only forgotten us but forsaken us in every way. When these feelings begin to overtake our system, there are things we do to remind ourselfs how very untrue our feelings are in that particular moment. We sit and read FOOTPRINTS time and time again so that keepers remember God is at work in our lives–even when we can not feel that Divine Presence. FOOTPRINTS always reminds keepers that God is constantly helping us carry the heavy load of our multiplicity. Then our sense of gratitude once more overtakes our feelings of despair so that keepers can continue abiding by our 5 MINUTE RULE.

After reading FOOTPRINTS, keepers turn to our WALL OF WONDERFUL here in our studio. Our wall is much more personal than a poem written on a poster so this is our last stop in making ourselves regain faith. We feel refreshed when we pause to look at the faces of all the wonderful people in our lives now. We feel reinspired because something inside of us knows that each and every beautiful face is truly a miracle that has been sent to keepers.

Keepers may be fools for falling back on blind faith when we have nothing else. After all, keepers are not superficial thinkers in any way. But keeper’s lives have always had points where our thoughts feel worthless and our feelings seem nothing more than destructive which leaves us in a position where all we have is blind faith to see us through. As strange as it may seem, keepers times of greatest growth are when we have only blind faith to get us through.

Keepers are hanging on this five minutes because our miracle may be just around the corner. After that, we will hang on the next five minutes and the next and the next and the next and the next and…………………………………………………………..because we know our miracle will come in the right form and at the right time as long as we keep on believing with all of our hearts.

peace and blessings to each of you,

magical thinker