Today happens to be the birthday of keepers father.  He died a little over twenty years ago  and keepers do not think of him much any more.  But, when this day rolls around each year keepers wind up having to deal with our painful memories of the man we are supposed to celebrate today.  However, this year is easier than last year was as last year was easier than the year before.

Keepers father was, indeed, an extremely angry man with a violent temper that often went toward his children.  He was quite fond of using the belt to beat all of his offspring.  He was a self-proclaimed perfectionist and accepted no less from his children.  However, he fully believed that perfection should be inborn so that he would not have to waste time teaching anything.  In the thirty some odd years that this man walked the earth as keepers father many photographs of him were taken.  Every single photo shows him with a drink in his hand.  He began his mornings with Bloody Mary’s and his lunch was always liquid in form and a case of beer he would consume each night.  I tell you all of this so that you might understand the character of the man who brought keepers into this world.

The actual abusive things he did to his children are better off left unsaid.  Largely, because keepers have already dealt with much of what he did to us and our brothers.  We do not need to revisit those memories in any way.

This blog is not intended to honor the man at all.  The world is better off without him and keepers have only begun to have a life of our own since he has left this earth.  But emotions erupt within us on his birthday.  By putting words out there in cyber space, keepers release back to the universe the unlimited shame this man piled upon us.  By sharing with our blog friends, keepers have the sense of family that this man always denied us.  By writing this blog–keepers take one more step in letting go of the harm our own father did to us.

Anniversary dates are difficult for many people.  Keepers are no different.  But, like I said, each year this particular anniversary date gets a little easier for us to bear.  Someday, it may even pass without our remembering that our father was born on this day.  Yes, it is a very slow process to fully let go of such hurt and anger that keepers carry because of this man.  But if we can continue to do a little better each year as his birthday rolls around, keepers know we are still on our own personal healing path.

peace and blessings,

keepers

John and keepers have spent a over 20 years trying to build what has turned into KEEPERSKORNER CHARITABLE ORGANIZATION. To say that it has been an easy task to accomplish would be a lie of phenomenal proportions. But I will let the details speak for themselves.

1.) In 1999, our friend Andzrej helped us set up the very first KEEPERSKORNER. We were excited to finally be on our way with fulfilling our dream of doing a charitable organization to improve the quality of life for other multiples. One day, John went out to check on the site only to find that it was completely gone. It had crashed without our noticing so we had not one sense of how long our first KEEPERSKORNER had been gone or how to get it back. Both John and keepers were devastated but we decided to continue to build anyway.

2.) We hired a webmaster to help us build our second KEEPERSKORNER. Only after we left this man were we told by other webmasters that he had given us very low end work while charging us high end prices. Again, devastation set in as we beat up on ourselves for having been so stupid as to trust this webmaster overmuch. But, like before, we decided to build again anyway.

3.) At this point, we became the victims of IDENTITY THEFT. Someone had been using our KK credit card without our permission. Someone was trying to change passwords and usernames so that they would have full control of KEEPERSKORNER. Paypal and our credit card people and others worked diligently for months to get it straghtened out. Now, for a multiple, IDENTITY THEFT feels like the worst thing that can happen and that was definetely true of keepers. But our decision was to continue building anyway.

4.)We hired another webmaster who was also an artist. She gave us the beautiful site we have today. We were with this webmaster for a little over a year and left her simply because the work was never getting done. What we did not know is that–though our site was beautiful–it was completely nonfunctional as far as growth or change. This webmaster had allowed no room for new pages to be added. Also, the site had been set up in a language uniquely her own which made it almost impossible for another webmaster to take over. In fact, as our new webmaster would work on it–he discovered that our beautiful site was crumbling at his every attempt to make it grow and change. Again, keepers felt defeated but we chose to continue to build anyway.

5.) In April, 2006 we had our first encounter with a true internet predator. At first she seemed nice but our red flags went up quickly and then others began emailing us to let us know what a predator this person was. Keepers were shocked at our stupidity and at our own willingness to disregard our personal red flags. At that point, we felt totally inept. But we did our best to expose this internet predator and began to build again.

6.) Keepers sent out a cd to a blog friend who was triggered by something on said cd. This blog friend wanted retribution in the form of keeperskorner being shut down. After much thought and soul searching, we decided to apologize for our mistake and continue building.

7.) The past five months, Andzrej (our present webmaster and friend) has been working diligently to get KEEPERSKORNER able to grow and change while maintaining the beauty of our site. This has been so stressful for both Andzrej and us. In fact, there have been times when it has stressed our friendship as well. But our commitment continues to be that we will go on building.

8.) Shortly after we began our weblog, our server crashed and we lost all of our blogs. In fact our entire site had to be reestablished which took 6 weeks. When that was done and we were live again, John and keepers went on building.

9.) Last January, keepers were preparing to testify in court against our former therapist. 5 days before our court date, our son began leaving very angry and irrational comments on our blog. He even challenged us on when we would begin blocking his comments which did not take long for us to do. Keepers did testify in court and we did continue building.

10.) Several weeks ago, we went out to check on KEEPERSKORNER only to find our site had been suspended. It turned out that a hacker had gotten in and was doing funky things. Again, both frightening and devastating for keepers but we decided to continue building anyway.

11.) A couple of weeks ago someone claiming to be our daughter appeared on our blog. We found this interesting since we were only a very short time from our former therapist being disciplined by the courts. We could not get our daughter to call us or send us a hand written letter via snail mail so we had no way to be sure it was our daughter. The final dictum of this person was “I have the power. This will be done my way.” Our joy over hearing from our daughter quickly turned into a real nightmare because we had no way to be sure who was on the other end of the computer. But we took our devastation and learned from it and continued with our building of KEEPERSKORNER.

12.) For the first time since 1999, keepers are getting nasty comments coming in from cyberspace. Things like our blog is better than tv and other even more unpleasant comments. We simply delete them and continue building.

13.) John and keepers continually deal with time issues. Often it seems that KKCO is growing so fast that we do not have the time to keep up with everything. We simply do the best we can and continue building anyway.

14.) KKCO often deals with financial constraints since this is 99% a mom and pop charity. We cut corners here and there in our personal lives and continue building.

15.) There are people that we deal with who do not see KKCO as important. They say that our site is not a professional site so it does not carry the importance of a business or a rock group. This is hurtful and frustrating but we continue to build anyway.

The purpose of this blog is to simply say that every day here at KEEPERSKORNER is about building and improving KKCO to better serve those who visit here. We work hard on it because this has always been our dream. There will always be forces out there to discourage us and to try to destroy what we have spent years building. But for as long as possible, John and keepers will remain committed to building KKCO anyway.

peace and blessings,

keepers

There are several people on this earth that keepers love dearly in spite of the fact that our relationships are in shambles and have been for a long time.    But, in spite of the problems we have encountered in these relationships, keepers still feel the deep abiding love that we have always felt for these human beings.  That has not changed and will not ever change.

But something has changed drastically and that is the very essence of keepers.  It took us ages to learn but we have figured out that there is no love in allowing others to bully us into being what they think we should be.  There is no love in keepers succumbing to threats made in order to get keepers to comply with the wishes of others.  For years and years, keepers honestly thought that contorting ourselves to please others was the way that we should show love.  However, we now know how horrible wrong we were.

What has changed in these relationships is the way keepers handle things.  These happen to be the kind of relationships based on game playing and power struggles instead of honest communication and coming to understand the truth of each other. In game playing, keepers always come out the loser–largely because we are so far into the game before we see that for what it is.  In power struggles, keepers often give in simply because the battle does not seem worth it.

But, the truth is, that keepers can not be good for our John Michael or our external children or our sibling or even our friends and neighbors if we continue to play games and get caught up in power struggles.  We can only do our best give and share our best caring when keepers feel as if we are being treated with honest fairness and a modicum of respect.  Keepers can not be accused at every turn and still find joy in the relationships that have always mattered so much to us.  Keepers can not feel threatened and still trust our loved ones.

Basically, what I am saying is that keepers will do all we can for anyone who asks us but only if we are treated fairly and met halfway.  We can not buy into the games and we will not buy into power struggles.  These things are unhealthy in relationships and bring about more harm than good.  So, we ask that we be treated with simply common courtesy and respect and yes even fairness when someone in our family is asking something of us.  If not, the only thing keepers can do is turn and walk away until such time that we are working with siblings or children who are willing to do their fair share of compromising and listening.

Today, loving is not easy for keepers.  In all honesty, it has not been easy for a very long time.  But the love we feel for special people in our lives is still thriving in our own hearts.  Even though keepers do not always see it, loving is always worth it–even when it really is not easy.

peace and blessings,

keepers

It has only been a couple of months since keepers first began our WALL OF WONDERFUL.  It has grown so much that we need to expand it to another wall here in our studio.  It feels so strange to look up at the our WALLS OF WONDERFUL because just one glimpse tells all keepers how very blessed we are in today.  So many beautiful faces smile back at us when we simply shift our eyes upward to the photographs many people have given us.  Somehow, keepers know that each set of eyes on our WALL OF WONDERFUL is truly God watching over us in this very unique way.  Each smile or grin is a symbol of our friends telling keepers that we are going to make it after all.

Our WALL OF WONDERFUL is always right here with us and reminds us how many super people we have gotten to know–not only through KEEPERSKORNER but out there in the actual world as well.  Each one of these people means more to keepers than anyone could ever know.  Each one is a person who has shown keepers that he or she believes in us and thinks we are on the right track with our lives.  Each one has shown courtesy and respect to keepers at all times.  Simple things like common courtesy means so very much to all keepers.  We have not had a lot of it in our lives  so in a way it seems strange to us–like we do not deserve the kindness that others have shown us–but I can tell you that being treated like a real human being by our friends has meant more to us than anyone could ever imagine.

New people have come in to our lives since we began our WALL OF WONDERFUL.  We are hoping that each one of them will also send us a picture that we can put right up there with everyone else.  We are hoping that our W.O.W. will continue to grow until it is so big we have to buy a new house with larger walls.

Several of our friends have told keepers that they have begun their own WALL OF WONDERFUL.  In all honesty, keepers think this is very exciting.  We know what our wall has come to mean to keepers in just a short time.  We are certain others will value their W.O.W. as much as we do ours.

Once again, keepers invite our cyber friends to email us a photograph of you so that we can add you to our WALL OF WONDERFUL.  Each one of you means so much to us and we would love seeing your smiling facing looking at us when we glance up to check and see if our cyber friends are still there.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers are writing this blog just simply to let our friends know that we are doing okay.  Not as good as usual but no as bad as times gone by either.  Keepers are pulling together and holding on in spite of our fear of what may erupt next in our lives.  Our five minute rule is well in place and keeping us keeping on no matter what happens.  For now, this is the best keepers have to offer.

The last week of keepers lives has left us in a place where we all feel like nothing makes sense and seeing past the end of our noses is way too much for anyone to ask of us right now.  That is an old and unwelcome feeling for us.  It is one that we have felt much of our lives–especially in our childhood.  So, in a very real way, keepers have been drawn back to a time and place where we can not tell what is real and what is not.

But keepers are very lucky because our mind has many nooks and crannies where our littlest of keepers can each be hidden safely away while the bigger ones try to sort things out.  This is one way our own mind always seems to protect us–by offering us many hollows in which to tuck away our most vulnerable parts when the world becomes too dangerous for them.  Thank heavens for that.

For big keepers, this is a time for us to figure out who is really who and what is really happening.  We have a huge pile of pieces to a puzzle but no way to put them together into something we can understand.  It feels way too hard for us to even try and vision the picture these pieces will someday make.  It is better for us to just allow these disjoined pieces to remain just that.  At least, for now.

For today, keepers have given ourselfs full permission to just simply do okay and not push ourselfs for any more than that.  We do not have to thrive every day of our lives.  We can have days like this one where keepers feel like we are lost in a maze made of reflections that is trying to show us that we are all bad underneath.

For keepers, this last week has been more painful than anyone could ever imagine.  So, this is a time of recovery for keepers and a time to let pressure on ourselves go.  We are thankful that we are doing okay because that means we are still here and still perservering in spite of what the last has held.

KEEPERS ARE DOING OKAY.

peace and blessings,

keepers

From the musical, “Man of La Mancha”, the story of Don Quixote, comes Keeper’s favorite song of all time, “The Impossible Dream”.  If you have never heard it we are sure some of the music sites have it available.  Enjoy!

The Impossible Dream

To dream … the impossible dream …
To fight … the unbeatable foe …
To bear … with unbearable sorrow …
To run … where the brave dare not go …
To right … the unrightable wrong …
To love … pure and chaste from afar …
To try … when your arms are too weary …
To reach … the unreachable star …

This is my quest, to follow that star …
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far …
To fight for the right, without question or pause …
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause …

And I know if I’ll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I’m laid to my rest …
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach … the unreachable star …

****lyrics to a song written by the late great Harry Chapin**********

It must have been a good thirty years age when keepers first heard the song that contains the above lyrics.  The truth is that keepers hardly ever sit back and think about these words.  Still, they are always in our mental archives for us to pull out and ponder when we need to remember what they mean to us.  For keepers, it is comforting to know that others experience the feeling of times when words are serving us well and times when the words can just go to hell.

Keepers have always found words to be something of a challenge for us.  We feel like each one has to be impeccable and pleasing for other to hear.  We used to have days where we try and try and try to put words on paper that expressed what was inside of us.  We would end those days with a huge pile of crumpled up attempts that seemed to mean nothing more than frustration for us.  In today, we sit at the computer and try to write a blog or an article time and time again while only serving to end each attempt by hitting our delete button.

As recently as four years ago, keepers were so bogged down with our own inadequacies and limitations that putting our words out there in any way was just too frightening for us to do.  We were victims (through and through) back then.  We handed our therapist a published article a keeper had written and stood watching as he threw is in the trash without reading a single word.  We took the devastation from this to heart and told ourselves that the words could go to hell.  Another time, Polly (our 14 year old poet) handed our youngest daughter the poem Polly had written about our daughters birth.  The daughter cast the poem aside and never even noticed what the words said.  To keepers, that meant she was telling us our words could go to hell.  So many times keepers have faced moments like this.  For us, so many words that could go to hell.

Keepers actually have volume upon volume of poetry that Polly has written over the span of our lives.  It is so funny because we are much more reticent to share the poems than we are to share our artwork.  You see, keepers value Polly’s poems greatly but we are never sure whether the words will serve us well or whether the words should just go to hell.  With words, we find it just too frightening to take the chance sometimes.

In today, keepers consider ourselves not only survivors but also thrivers.  We take more chances with words than we ever have before.  We are amazed because, more often than not, the risk we take shows us our words are serving us well.  In fact, keepers have found many friendships simply by putting our own words out there and disregarding the impeccability of each word.  But, more importantly, keepers have come to understand each other by paying attention to those words that do serve us well and even by listening closely to the words that often seem like they can go to hell.

For forever, keepers will have days when our words serve us well and say just what we want them to say.  We will also have days when we just shut up because we know our words can go to hell.  Hopefully, the former will continue to bring us confidence and and enable us to go on speaking.  Possibly, though, the words that can go to hell will someday take over and keepers will return to living in silence.  I hope not but denying the possibility would be unrealistic for us.

For keepers, part of our healing has been learning to accept that nothing about us has to be perfect in any way.  We only have to be human and by knowing we are human we know mistakes are a part of our lives.  Still, that struggle for our words to be impeccable is one keepers can not give up yet.  But each and every day keepers get a little better at letting some of our words just go to hell while we work to find the words that serve us well.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers have spent the day sitting here at the computer thinking about how long and hard we have worked in order to take on doing KKCO.  Today, that thought has literally made keepers feel very sick inside.  Largely because the work we have done over the last 5 years seems to mean nothing at this point.  After all is said and done, keepers are sitting here scared to death to even put a single word on our blog.  For us, the easy thing to do would be to just walk away from blogging and never even think about doing it again.  But, the one thing all keepers know is that will not be our M.O. in today.  We will blog even when the words make no sense.  We will blog even when we are too scared to type a single letter.  We will blog even when the hurt inside of us feels too monumental for any of us to overcome.

See you all tomorrow.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Star light; Star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may;  I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight.       author unknown

Last night, keepers were outside for just a little while.  We were looking up at the sliver of a  moon we have right now.  But that sliver was surrounded by abundant stars with each one shining brightly.  In the moment, keepers looking upward was causing us to feel not only hopeful but inspired to go on as well.  I can not say what it is about the clear night sky that matters so much to us but the view of twinkling stars from within the darkness is a treasured image for all of us.

To be honest, keepers have no idea where the above STAR LIGHT, STAR BRIGHT poem first originated.  But, it is a poem that has come to be very dear to us over the years.  It reminds us of a little girl who had to be outside for a few moments on every single night that the stars were out.  That little girl always had to end her day by wishing upon a star.  Somehow, this is a memory keepers have held on to and brought into our golden years with us.

So, as our little girl keepers picked out the first star they saw, each one recited the poem and made their individual wishes upon that star.  I wish I could tell you what they wished for but even I do not know because sharing that information with even another alter in the same system might prevent the wish from coming true.  I am sure that more than one little girl on this earth ended yesterday by wishing her greatest wish upon a star.

For keepers, the world outside our door is often a cold and cruel place where we often choose not to venture into.  But on those rare nights when all the stars are twinkling brightly amidst the darkness, being out there in the world for just a moment brings each of us so much peace and so much hope that our wishes will come true.

I know that when we looked upward last night, something inside of us shifted enough to help us keep on keeping on.  Perhaps, it was our own inner little girls getting to do something as fanciful as wishing upon a star.  Or, maybe, it was big keepers remember other outside little girls who we watched sneak out each night to do their own wishing and their own hoping for dreams come true.  I do know that when this shift in keepers takes place we stand a little taller and feel a little stronger and hold on for tomorrow to see if our wish does come true.

Magical thinking from an old Grandma?  Yeah, probably, but this Grandma is little more than an antique little girl when wishing upon a star.

peace and blessings,

keepers

Keepers would like to thank our many friends and supporters who have stood by us this last week especially, you are all so special to us.  We received a great many kind comments via phone and email and would like to present this e-mail from Mini-mes as one example of the kindness you all have shown us. Thank you Mini-mes for granting us permission to share this with our blog friends.

Peace and blessings

Keepers

Dear Keepers;

I have sent you some pictures of flowers in mini-mes yard.  You might say “those are not very nice looking flowers.”  But let me explain.  The plants were very damaged by the ice and snow we had a couple of weeks ago.  I did not think they would survive.  But even though their stems were damaged. They bloomed.  They went beyond survivng, to blossoming.

They reminded me of keepers.  The weight of things happening in your world has tried to break you.  But you have shown, even by having the weblog back up today. That you went beyond surviving to blooming.

Mini-mes